Need advice urgently
Dear Fatima
I’m a 22 year old girl living in US. I’m in a lot of pain right now and I’m only sharing this here because I’m given anonymity. If anyone who knows me heard this I’m sure I wouldn’t be even alive right now. I’m in love with another girl. I have no feelings of having sex or getting married to her but for some reason whenever I see her, I want to cuddle with her and have her near me all day. I am a very touchy feely person too and it’s so hard for me to resist being around her all the time I can. She is my distant cousin and I know her because she came to US to work and then moved back home now. Ever since she has moved back my heart aches for her. I swear I’m not even lying, I feel a very strong attachment for her. She listens to me, when she was here, she would cry and pray and it would pull me towards Allah. When she was in pain and I was in pain with mental health she didn’t leave my side, she stayed right there. It was the first time I ever felt understood. Now she has left the country but in the country I’m visiting for a week she is here for few days. Again I feel a strong attachment towards her. I almost wish I was blessed enough to be her very blood, her sister, her mom, something that wouldn’t let our ties break away such that I could no longer see her every year. I feel abnormally strong feelings for her emotionally. Again, it’s nothing sexual all I want to do is hug and cuddle and talk to her for hours on end like close friends or family does. I don’t know why but this is taking so much of my mental energy I don’t know what to do
Please advise me
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Dear Sister
There is nothing wrong or abnormal with the feelings you are having. It is not haram to have close sisterly relationships of love and companionship that are not sexual. As human beings we are programmed to long for human connection. It is a mechanism that Allah put inside of us to see His reflection in others. As long as you remember that, then you can have a very strong and close connection and relationship with your cousin as it is likely fulfilling a natural and healthy need for love and companionship.
I have been around many righteous Muslim scholars who have displayed a strong affinity toward certain brothers in Islam. They display this love for their companion of the same gender in physical affection; hugging, holding hands, sitting close to one another, etc. In those instances there is nothing haram happening there because the desire to be close to the companion is not driven by sexual desire nor with any intention of engaging in a sexual form of touch. It is purely a natural expression of camaraderie and true love for their brother in Islam. Some scholars explain this type of strong connection with certain people as a result of their position or relation to one another in the barzakh, in pre-existence, when all of the souls were together before life in the dunya. They say that throughout our lives we will find people that we feel inexplicably repelled by for no apparent reason, and people that we feel utterly drawn to and comfortable with. This has to do with a deeper soul connection that we may not understand but is a reality nonetheless.
The one thing that I would caution you against however is to be mindful of not getting too attached to your cousin, or anyone for that matter. The affinity towards her, the wanting to be close to her, and even the physical touch are all fine, but when it crosses over into feeling a sense of attachment where you feel that you are not ok without her, then it can become unhealthy. This is not however uncommon. Most people in any type of relationship have an unhealthy attachment to someone. It is a common coping mechanism that humans use to feel not alone when they do not feel so close to Allah. It is difficult to foster a relationship with Allah when we cannot see Him and are not always aware of His presence in our lives. It is much easier to focus our neediness on people whom we can see and touch and can at least temporarily fulfill some of our needs. However, those humans are not reliable to give us what we need and desire in terms of sustainable love, connection and a sense of safety. Only Allah can provide those things truly and consistently. As you are experiencing with the physical distance between you and your cousin, you cannot rely on people to always be there for you. So it is unhealthy to depend on them to the point where you feel you cannot function without them or that you cannot get what you feel with them anywhere else. I would encourage you to make an effort to develop a closer relationship with and reliance on Allah and discover how you can find love and acceptance in your own heart. When you cultivate this within rather than relying on external sources then you are equipped to recognize the love you feel for others for what it truly is, a reflection of Allah’s Love.
The Prophet (saws) said “None of you [truly] believes until he loves for his brother [or sister] what he loves for himself”. Our scholars have indicated that it is significant that the Prophet specifically used the word hubb, which means love, and not ‘want’ or ‘desire’ for his brother or sister, but love. There is a beauty in having love for our brothers and sisters, and it is Sunnah to express this love to them. Just remember that this love that we feel for our companions and the draw that we have toward them is a result of the Love of Allah and therefore we should stay connected to this understanding to be clear that through our feelings and expressions of love for our brothers and sisters we are experiencing the Love of Allah.
With Love,
your bother in Islam
“Fatima Y”
