How to end the abuse and aggression?

I am a sister in need for help. I have suffered for 14 years, and I have not been able to fix my situation by myself.

I know I have the potential to be a good mother insha-Allah, but I have been broken so much, that in my current situation, I feel weak, helpless, and powerless most of the time.
My husband and I are different in culture and personality.
We did not know each other when we got married, it was a quick marriage, I had fears and difficulties from the beginning.
The marriage proposal came at a time when I needed help.

At university I failed many of my classes because of many reasons, my program was too difficult for me, I hated it, and we were new immigrants to Canada. I was shy and I could not ask male professors questions, I did not know how to plan my study time, and I just preferred being with Muslim friends. I stayed in my program and incurred debt.

When the opportunity to get married came to me at university, I accepted.
My husband seemed religious, and was generous masha-Allah. He paid my debt.
But, we had problems since the begining of our marriage.
My husband criticized all my friends. I gave up my friends, I stayed home, but I was alone most of the time.
There were times when I wanted to see my family, but I was anxious and shy to ask him to take me to see my family.

My husband and I had fun physically, but emotionally and mentally, we were not compatible.

I became pregnant soon after marriage, I suffered from depression during pregnancy and after birth. I felt alone most of the time, but alhamdulillah my parents and siblings helped me.
My husband helped too, but we had communication and compatibility problems.

From early marriage, my husband was quick to call me hurtful names, like ‘disobedient’ or ‘treacherous’ for small things like putting cabbage in his food many of my actions (although with good intentions) were misunderstood and misjudged .. as a result, he would hurt me by insults.

From my husband, I expected ‘wholeness’, ‘respect’, a ‘friend’, but instead, he responds to me critically when I confide in him, or disapprovingly.
These insults and this way, began to break the love and respect I had for him.

After I gave birth to my first son, I soon became pregnant with my second child.
Being a breastfeeding and pregnant mom was very difficult,
My husband used to travel, and I always wanted things to be neat, I overwhelmed myself by trying to provide a clean/neat house.. to the extent that when my toddler would mess, I would hit him.
I hit my son a lot in his childhood. He was too young to know why I hit him, there were days when I was too exhausted to stop him from messing, but when I got fed up of his misbehavior I would hit so much. I feel very hurt and sad about that.
I wish there was someone around to protect my son and help me cope and not hit him.

Over the years, there were always many ‘reasons’ why I hit my son.. less so, my daughters.

Now, my son is 14.. I have been hitting him for 14 years, and I still hit him when he does not follow the daily routine.
My son wants to play the whole day and he does not care for time limits, he would even go into his father’s office through the window to sit on hid dad’s computer and play, while his dad is away.

I am very frustrated, my husband is very argumentative, very stubborn, he is quick to insult and can also be emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, and even physically aggressive.
My husband has also hit our son many times.. as my son started to show stubborness.

I was never a jealous person, but when there are other women around me and my husband (in airports, airplanes, shops, etc), I feel anxious because he looks at them, and responds to their offers (tea, coffee, food on the airplane), while towards me he is displeased most of the time.

We are at home most of the day, As my children grow through their teens, I struggle with providing a balanced life for them. We restrict tv and the net, but shaitan comes through other ways (and refuge is sought in Allah against satan).. my children are on ‘bad’ terms most of the time: sibling rivalry, disrespect, hitting, etc.

I spend most of the days parenting my three children alone. But I have no proper parenting skills or strategies.

On most days, I feel like a failure. My son wants to play the whole day on gadgets and my husband is prohibitive, if the children use the internet or gadgets, he chastises me and insults me in front of them.

I cannot list all the ways that my husband has wronged me, even though he is generous with his money to us masha-Allah, he has also tresspassed my rights as mother in many ways.. when he is upset with me, he calls our daughters to go out of the house with him and says “lets go as far away as possible from her”. He has even physically prevented me from being ‘part’ of the children’s night/morning routine. He would not even allow me to enter the children’s bedroom before school or at night, and I am not even allowed to brush my daughter’s hair! He took my role as mother in so many ways, he even prevented me from washing our 5 year old daughter’s private parts when she was done using the toilet, and allowed himself (the male) to do it!

My husband divorced me 3 years ago over a laptop which my son wanted to play with, while my husband did not want to give it to him.. when I took the laptop from my husband’s office, he divorced me and later retracted the divorce.

Much has happened between my husband and I, and although Alhamdulillah, we have gone for many trips together and we do live with each other.. I avoid, and I do not enjoy talking to my husband. I am afraid I will get hurt, or we will fight.

When he is upset with me, over a minor issue, he leaves the room as soon as I walk in the same room. He rushes past me in the hallways, and does not look at me or speak with me.

We have a weak marriage, a lot of painful memories (of insults and mutual fights which escalated to physical in front of the children).

Although we are seeing a psychologist here, I am dissatisfied with the psychologist. He has advised my husband to sleep outside the home to get away from ‘problems’.
Now, my husband sleeps outside whenever I argued back with him.. and claims to my family that he does it in ‘fear that I will hurt him’.

His constant ‘silent treatment’ to me.. and cruelty has caused me mental torture:
Over the last two years, I began to have severe loss of control in my body, such that my hand muscles clench and tense up by themselves. My face muscles tense up and I clench my jaws so hard that it hurts. My hands move in ways out of my control and I can no longer order them to behave as they should.

This is affecting my Salah, my left hand moves around in the Salah or refuses to sit in place.
I know this is from Shaitan, but I never thought it would happen to me.

My children see this.

My husband has used many passive aggressive tactics, and has even gone to the extent of forbidding me basic things.. he does not speak to me for many days.. does not eat the food I prepare him.. puts me down.. and has caused me mental torture. Even sexually, he is overpowering, when I do not like something, he holds my hands down aggressively behind my back, calls me disobedient while he does what he wants to make his ego feel good.. even though I am left with painful bruises afterwards for many weeks in my private parts.

Lately, I began to dislike sexual activity with my husband, as it includes things which I hate (and believe to be sin). I try to avoid it, but he makes advances and expects cooperation. I yield reluctantly, as ‘an obligation’, otherwise he will get angry and punish me emotionally.

I do have anger management problems, my depression and anger became worse after marriage, as I found my husband to be cold, secretive, suspecious, and deceptive.
I do not trust my husband, whenever I let my guards down, he hurts me.
He hardly communicates anything to me, just last week, he went to Oman and he did not tell me until I found out the evening of his travel from our daughter that he was going to Oman!

Most of the time, I hate my husband because of his bad manners with me and his disrespect for me. I find him haughty and insulting. He says ‘no’ to almost everything we ask.
My son hardly speaks with his dad. He knows that his dad is difficult person to convince, so he asks me things which I can’t give him because his dad would not allow (such as a playstation).

Sometimes, I work, and when I do, I am very stressed and I expect the children to obey me if I order them to change their clothes, brusth their teeth, eat their dinner, pack their bag for school.
When they don’t, and it delays my day.. I get tired, and I become very aggressive very quickly.. I do not hit my daughters as much as I hit my son (who is tall and strong masha-Allah).. I can’t hit him with my hand anymore because it will hurt me more than him, so now, I hit with the metal spoon, wooden spoon, hanger, hand, box, anything that will cause him pain for his disobedience.

Yesterday, because I hit my son so much, today I decided instead of hitting him, I will hit myself.
I hurt myself a lot today. I have marks and bruises all over my body. I hit myself in frustration and angery and anxiety because they kept fighting and disobeying.

My children saw this.

It is heatbreaking that my children are growing up in this type of home.
I want to save my children from become aggressive angry adults who do not know how to solve problems rationally.. I do not want them to be like me.

My husband spends most of his day outside the house, and travels a lot, so I am the primary care taker of the children now. I need help with many things, but most urgently, I need help to stop hitting my children – especially my son.

I have hit him too much.. too severely.
It is painful.

I want to repent properly and never again return to hitting.
I have been trying for 14 years, but I have failed by myself.
I need professional help.

When I am angry with my son, I use the same language his dad uses with me, on him.
I call him ‘stupid’, ‘idiot’, ‘disobedient’, ‘untrustworthy’, etc. Later on, I regret it, and I realize that I am teaching my son to be like us.
I have slapped my daughter so hard once, that her nose started bleeding. I have slapped my son too many times to count, it is shameful.

I wish I could be a better stronger person.

I know Allah is testing me, but I have always solved my problems with physical hitting.. I hit my siblings when we were young, or anyone who hurt me when I was little. I do not know how to insult back, I do not know how to set limits and keep them and protect myself, I just know to inflict pain by hitting if someone does not stop hurting me.. and even with my husband, I retorted to this method when I could not handle his cruelty to me .. I throw the phone on his head, or a plate.

I just do not know how to cope with the stresses – I do not know how to make my children obey the rules of the house, so that I can keep order in the house.
I am so much better with strangers, subhanallah..
but with my children, the closest people to me, I am failing terribly.
Alhamdulillah, that at least I cook of them and they have good school marks.
I want them to read Quran everyday and get high marks in school, I demand that they use their time with Quran and schoolwork but they disobey so many of my instuctions and play excessively.. which causes me great suffering.. and I eventually, let it out on my son as hitting by the end of each day.

How do I start.. how to do I raise my children well with good akhlaq and help them achieve high marks without hitting or insulting them, insha-Allah?

I have had suicidal thoughts and I have even ‘threatened’ my husband (as he calls it) to leave with the children. But I have not. I have sworn, hundreds of times, that if I go to my parent’s home, I would never come back but I have always returned.

I have insulted my son so much, and I have hurt my son deeply (emotionally and physically), he does not forget that I always hit him. How do I let my scarred son heal and trust me again.

I want my children to heal, forget, and become better people insha-Allah. I want our life to change for the better insha-Allah. How?

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Assalamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullah, 

 

Dear sister, 

 

You have detailed a long, painful history that is filled with hurt, disconnection, and pain that multiplies over time. 

I can only imagine that you are feeling overwhelmed and stuck. It must be hard to figure out where to begin making a change in what is happening in your family. 

 

However, a change MUST happen.

And it must happen soon.

 

You have seen how the problem has started small and has grown over time, and it will continue to grow if your family’s direction does not change. 

You have seen that as the problem has gotten bigger, your body has started to show signs of stress and trauma.

You have seen that as the problem has gotten bigger, you have come to feel there is no solution except to hurt yourself.

 

These are normal reactions to trauma, but if you are not in a safe situation the trauma only gets worse, and the reactions to it continue to grow. Our bodies cannot sustain living in those feelings over the long term.

 

The only person you have control over is yourself — and from the way you describe it, you are both getting abused every day, and you are abusing others. This is not a safe situation for you or for your children.

 

I can see your remorse, and your confusion. It sounds like you were never taught how to manage difficult situations without hitting — and it sounds like you have learned that this method of solving problems isn’t working.

 

I’m not sure the context of the therapy you are receiving, or if you were able to share with the psychologist you are seeing even half of what you shared in this post. It sounds to me like the psychologist didn’t hear everything that was and is going on, and maybe his or her recommendations would be different if you were able to find the courage to share more of what you shared here with him/her. 

 

I do have to say, that as you decide if you are going to take that step and share with the psychologist what is happening, some of what you shared may obligate them to report your actions to child protective services. I’m not sure about the services in Canada, but I do know that these services differ from place to place and that sometimes they offer classes to the parents about how to parent without hitting.  There are many programs that can help you learn more about your feelings and how they are showing up in your body, that help you think about ways to talk about problems, and figure out ways to make important changes in your own life. I know it’s hard to reach out, and you showed great courage in posting. At the same time, sometimes we are called to stand for justice even if it’s against ourselves.

 

As you make changes in yourself and your situation, these changes will have an impact on those around you. 

 

I cannot say what you will decide is best for your situation, but what I can say is that one place to start figuring out the changes you have to make is reflecting on the fact that we start everything with Bismillah arRahman arRaheem. Why would Allah (swt) put this phrase at the beginning of almost every surah? Why would Allah (swt) have us repeat it in every prayer, before we eat, before we begin other activities? There is a deep lesson in reflecting on the fact that Allah (swt) chooses to call upon Himself with the names of rahmah (mercy). How can each of us choose to live from that place? How can we have rahmah with ourselves? How can we have rahmah with our family members? How does having rahmah spark love? How does having rahmah cause our houses (sakn) have peace (sukoon)? What does rahmah look like? How can we practice it in little ways each and every day?

 

I would encourage you to meditate on these questions and see if they help you figure out where you need to start.

May Allah (swt) help you have the courage to make the changes needed to shift your path away from pain and into health.

 

wa ‘alaykum salam, 

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima Z”