Stuck
Assalamu Alaikum,
I am a 23 year old girl living in the US. I have spent 7 years in and out of therapy for depression and PTSD. In the past I would self-harm a lot, and I have attempted suicide 3 times. Recently, I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer have suicidal ideations, but the depression and guilt over past sexual assault is taking its toll. I’ve come a long way but there are still issues that I can’t seem to resolve through counseling because of embarrassment. I hope you don’t mind me discussing these issues here because the anonymity makes it easier. While I was being abused (by 3 older girls over a period of 6 months when I was 12) I started to masturbate because it made me feel better about what was happening. I did not enjoy what they did, but I did enjoy what I did on my own. I think it was a way to take control. The problem is that I continued to masturbate until now, and it has become a habit that I have not been able to break. I have conflicting emotions because sexual desire isn’t really something that is discussed and I feel like I am a pervert. I don’t understand why I am this way, and why it is so hard for me to break this habit. I know that Allah is all-forgiving, but I feel like I use the excuse that I am “too far gone” or unworthy of forgiveness so that I don’t have to change. I don’t know who to turn to anymore. I know that these things can’t be solved online but I am hoping to get a little bit of direction.
Please let me know if you would like additional information, as there are details that I can share if necessary.
Thank you for your time
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Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,You have been through so much, and suffering through abuse of this intensity and duration is not only physically and emotionally traumatizing, but many fall into the depths of a spiritual crisis as well. However, despite everything you went through, you have still held on to your faith in Him and his Mercy, SubhanAllah! You are strong and brave and your faith is an asset that can be used to get through your struggles. I believe what may have started as a coping mechanism for you may have evolved into an addiction, which is very common for survivors of abuse and those dealing with PTSD. Without adequate healing from traumatic expereinces, it will be difficult to achieve a healthy sexuality that is not tinged with shame and compulsion which keep you stuck in a vicious cycle. I agree that healthy sexuality needs to be more openly discussed in our community. Our sexuality is a God given gift that help us form deep bonds and connections with our loved ones. However, if any sexual act feels out of control, bringing you harm in some way, and/or you want to stop but cannot, then it’s usually not about sex. Masturbating releases endorphins that are calming and soothing to a traumatized brain. Unless you appropriately process all of the emotions and work through the trauma that you have experienced, your brain will be persistently and subconsciously running from it and trying to find peace and consolation as much as it can, from whatever source it can find (sex, drugs, alcohol, pornography, food, social media, etc). Alhamdulillah, I am pleased to hear you have been in therapy and have come a long way especially in regards to suicide ideation, but I would seek out a therapist with whom you are completely comfortable, feel safe enough to be completely vulnerable, and definitely one that has expertise in trauma, addictions and sexual violations. Here are also some excellent resources about sex addiction and overcoming them:Some young women who have been through similar experiences also have strained relationships with their parents or caregivers which develops out of resentment for not protecting them against the sexual predators and/or not taking appropriate actions against them. If this is the case for you as well, I would seek to heal the relationships between you and your caregivers and work through any feelings of hurt, insecurity, anger, resentment, etc. (ideally with a family therapist who also specializes in trauma). Developing secure bonds with your primary caregivers and loved ones, adequately processing and working through your traumatic experiences, and finding healthy coping mechanisms that are meaningful will help you find lasting relief from painful emotions and compulsive behaviors. Finally, research shows that spirituality is a strong contributor to sobriety, so reconnect and reestablish your relationship with Allah as well. Many times, when we are ashamed we shy away from reaching out to Him. But Allah actually loves us even more when we have shortcomings. Why? Because if we were perfect, we would have no need to turn to Him and ask Him to envelop us with His Rahma. I pray He grants you the strength and patience to heal from your pain, and help you live the peaceful and meaningful life you deserve.Sincerely,Your sister in Islam“Fatima V”
Wa Alaikum As Salaam,
I am so sorry you’re going through difficult times, I must say, you are very strong. I pray Allah swt continues to give you strength through this and future trials.
You have great insight to what’s going on with you, and with your introspection I do believe you will over come this. After all that you have gone through, your actions are a small way you are fighting for control, which is ok. I understand the fikh behind masturbation, and I also understand the different opinions on how addiction can occur with masturbating, however I think in your situation it is important to look at the whole picture.
As you have been asserting control over your body, we can work towards breaking the habit of masturbating and apply the control in other healthier ways. For example, running or exercising is great way to get a release of endorphins and give you that happy feeling, all the while keeping control over your health. Another way you can assert your control and getting your feelings out, try journaling. Write it all down.
I think its wonderful that you have a therapist, I highly encourage you to use that theraputic relationship to get your feelings out. Write a letter to your therapist about this, if speaking in person is difficult. It is important to continue to address the underlying issues with your therapist, while working on reducing your urge.Allah has given value to everyone, He knows your strength, you will get through this, inshaAllah.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima X”
Anonymous
Salaam my sister
First I just wanted to say you are so so BRAVE and STRONG for going through the abuse you went through with those girls and for fighting through substance abuse both of those things can be extremely difficult to cope with Alhamdillah that you are staying as positive as you can be and that you still have a beautiful soul.
In regards to some coping strategies for stress and managing mental health something that worked well for me was making a calendar and each day had a specific ‘Me Activity” for example:
September 24,2018 : Clean out email
September 25,2018 : Write a list of things you love about your self
September 26,2018: Donate your time / or items you no longer use
This helped me mange my stress because it ensured i had time to myself daily with a specific task to just relax my mind ( Sister you would be surprised how refreshing it is to just clean out your email 😛 ). I found that setting aside time for myself with designated actives no matter what they were, studying, reading , watching a show, taking a walk ect. Having designated you time gives you a chance to clearly think about whats going on , how you feel , and just to clear any anxiety you have at that moment. Insha’Allah something like this could work for you to Sister.
I’m happy that you’re moving forward to discuss the masturbation with your therapist i think that’ll be a beneficial session insha’allah.
Please continue to keep your head up , stay positive and motivated to push forward and deal with your situations at hand .
Love your sister in Islam.
Nada Elessawy
Asalamu Alaikum,
First and foremost, thank you for being brave enough to talk about this. In our community, we tend to stifle all discussions concerning sexuality and sexual health for a variety of reasons, despite the importance of ensuring that we are all educated and understand how to approach certain situations. We do not mind you telling us about your struggles, and if you feel the need to write about anything else that may be impacting you, please do so, no matter what the topic might be. We are here to listen to you and support you. Talking to us here about your struggles, even with anonymity is not easy, but I really do think that it will benefit you. Not only did this post compel you to write your truth and face it, it has allowed others(as well as professionals) who share your background to give you constructive advice.
I really do understand why you feel hesitant to talk about this topic in person during your counselling sessions. We have been taught that topics of a sexual nature should be swept under the rug and forgotten, but that is not a healthy manner to go about broaching this topic. I want you to know that you are not to blame for being abused and assaulted. It does not decrease your worth either. I am honestly so proud of how far you have come, and how you keep moving forward, trying to improve yourself. I am genuinely happy that you have been capable to get to the point where you no longer want to commit suicide, that is something that took a lot of effort and will power. You have come a long way, and I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to look back and commend yourself for having done that.
With that kind of will power comes an enormous potential to change habits that you do not like. I know that this is much easier said than done, but it is possible. It will take a lot of effort and commitment, but I think you can do it. You’ve mentioned that you turned to masturbation at first to have a sense of control. I think finding something else that gives you control could help you by not only allowing you to stop a habit that you dislike, but by also allowing you to find a healthy alternative to immerse yourself in. There are several ways that you could find a new form of empowerment. You could try to identify your passions, and do something with them during your free time. Be creative with your passions and find ways to experiment with them in ways you never thought was possible. If you don’t know what you love to do, that is perfectly fine. Make it your goal to find something that you love, something that you could spend hours on end doing and feeling happy while doing so. Ask people you know what hobbies they have, and if you’re close enough to them, try to join them as they do it for a while. You could also search for events near you, they could even be seemingly mundane such as a book exchange event or pottery classes, and try things that are feasible for you.
Aside from finding something you are passionate about, you can also try to look for things that can calm you down. And, again, these can be extremely mundane things. You could find that when things are overwhelming, you might just need to pull back and relax with a drink. Or you could be an animal lover that might find comfort in visiting or even volunteering at animal shelters and interacting with the animals you find there.
The fact that you have mentioned allah on your post is an indication to me that you are not as disconnected from him as you may think you are. Knowing that he is all-forgiving is a driving force in of itself. I asked a sheikh to take a look at your post, and this was his reply to me: “Along with exercise, adding some zikr of Allah on a daily basis along with salawat upon the messenger salla Allah alaih wa sallam. Making dua that Allah helps her take control. She should know that Allah loves her and the causes leading to this behavior are beyond her control. She should not feel guilty about the past rather look to the future. Know that Allah will always be there for her whether she is winning the battle or losing.” So I really do want you to know that Allah has not abandoned nor forsaken you, he is there for you, and maintaining a connection with him will be a source of benefit for you.
I want you to know that it’s okay to feel lost even when you know that Allah is there for you. This does not make you any less of a believer. With mental health, it is important to check in with professionals, in the same way that this applies to physical health. Therefore, I think it’s important to continue going to therapy, as you have already been doing. I also think slowly bringing up heavier and harder topics at your own pace will allow you to not only properly communicate your situation to your conselor, but will also give you a sense of control. I think the ability to talk about topics that have been hurting us is a sign that you are in a better place. It means that you’ve progressed enough to be able to allow others to understand what you’ve gone through. And I really do think that this post shows that you have the capability to do that.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam.
HA18
Salaam sister,
There is obviously not an easy solution, but I wanted to comment just to say a few things. InshAllah they are helpful 🙂
First, you are incredibly brave and loved by Allah for coming out of such an evil situation with those girls and having the desire in your heart to improve. I hear you when you say you think you don’t deserve it. I cannot tell you how many times I myself have felt that way and that I have heard that same sentiment from others. But, and you may not realize this now, even having this feeling of wanting to be forgiven is a gift from Allah. There are many who may have had painful experiences and think out of arrogance that they are worthy to do whatever sin they want because Allah has let them down. The fact that you feel this fear of being “unworthy of forgiveness” only means that there is a great deal of negative emotions inside of you and those emotions are so crippling that they are preventing you from believing that the Allah who is a representation of purity, goodness, and mercy will not forgive you. Maybe you think you are too “dirty” for that light. Look inside yourself and try to identify this cocktail of negative emotions. You may feel great shame and fear of not being worthy of forgiveness and trapped that this horrific part of your past will always be with you. You may fear that this situation may prevent you from finding someone to to intimately care for in the future. You may feel a very strong anger that you were put through such an unfair/oppressive situation when surely you did not deserve it and that you are trapped with this anger forever. You may also feel lonely because there probably aren’t too many people around you who could relate to these strong and painful emotions. These are very tough chains to break through, they chain us in our past, present, and future, but I want you to know that they are breakable. There are many who have broken them already live their future freely. I want you to know that you are already on a successful course to break them because Allah swt, in his love for you, has not let you wander blindly. Keep praying and asking for strength from Allah and forgiveness and see how Allah continues to guide you to the best.
In addition to the one posted in the comment above, there are other posts on this site where folks discuss their struggles with masturbation. I think you have come a very long way in your understanding and processing of this trauma where you recognize the feeling of control that you get from it. There are two resources I’d like to recommend for your consideration. One is Purify Your Gaze and the other is Like a Garment. These are both Islamic programs in the US that can help guide all of us to healthy sexuality. Purify Your Gaze deals with pornography addiction and Like a Garment deals with a healthy sexual relationship in marriage. These may not be exactly related to what you went through, but I think as you are working with your therapist you can discuss with her/him the benefits of maybe joining these groups if you’d like.
Please continue to post comments on this site with any additional details you feel comfortable sharing that you feel like you want to get out of your system. We are hear reading them and listening <3
Anonymous
Salaam my sweet sister,
You are so brave for continuing to seek ways to live a a full life, apart from your past experiences. May Allah truly grant you peace and freedom, so you can freely live the beautiful life you have ahead!
I sincerely believe Allah wants us to have compassion for ourselves. Remember, we are his most beautiful creation. I have found that once I can truly have compassion for myself, it naturally helps release some of the stress and pressure I find within myself and it becomes a bit easier for me to engage in activities and thoughts that benefit my well being.
I believe most if not everything He wants us to do/not do ultimately is purely for our own well being. He also knows we aren’t perfect and doesn’t expect us to be. As you mentioned, Allah repeatedly reminds us He is oft-forgiving. He is Greater than all of us so when we are sincere, His Mercy and Forgiveness are Greater than any of us or anything we can do. He knows everything. He knows what you’ve been through, how much you love Him and how much He loves you. Continue to ask Him to make things easier for you. Show mercy and kindness to yourself as a reminder of His immense Mercy.
Do you think it might help if you engage in other activities, like volunteering? What else do you enjoy doing that allows you to simply live life, apart from your past?
I know I can’t relate to what you’ve been through and I don’t know what to say. I just want you to know that I truly care about you, sweet sister, and sincerely pray you will inshaAllah find peace and happiness in your life ahead!
Your loving sister in Islam
P.S. You may also find the comments from other posts on this site beneficial, such as http://www.stonestobridges.org/2014/09/04/the-little-girl-who-survives/
Anonymous
Salam All,
Jazakum Allah Kheir for all of your thoughtful responses. I was genuinely taken aback by the insight that you show even through an online forum, and without knowing much about me. This is very comforting because it tells me that people that have been through similar things share common struggles even if the circumstances are not identical. May Allah give us all strength, and the belief that, whatever our struggle, it is not more than we can bear.
I think my biggest concern right now is that whenever I get the least bit stressed or under pressure, I immediately revert to the unhealthy loop of negative thoughts that leads to behaviors I know are against my beliefs. This cognitive dissonance furthers the distress and the cycle continues. I am currently in medical school, so the stress is not something I can really avoid. I tried to practice my coping strategies in order to have a routine to fall back on when needed, but so far have not had success maintaining them.
These include going to the gym to swim or run, going to the masjid to pray, calling my sister, and just in general the ‘opposite to emotional action’ approach. The thing is, sometimes I just feel so empty and my body just falls limp that it is hard for me to take the first step to do these things. I know I need to push myself and just do it, but it never ends up being that simple. If anyone has suggestions for this please share.
I have also found it incredibly difficult to focus and retain information while studying, which has lead to academic difficulty. I actually failed my first year courses and had to repeat the year. That obviously leads to more stress and self doubt, which again perpetuates the cycle.
Just in the last few days, we had an exam that I was really worried about. In the weeks before I wasn’t able to study as much as I needed to. After the exam, I was sure that I failed so my train of thought went: If I failed this test I might get kicked out of school and I will be in debt with no alternative career –> my dreams are not possible because I am not committed –> this is a punishment from Allah, how could I expect to do well while sinning? –> I know I can’t change and this emptiness in me will not go away –> I need to die in order to escape this –> I am a terrible Muslim for even considering suicide, I can’t die but I can’t escape either and then I am just stuck again. I haven’t gotten the results yet, but I am scared what I could do if it went bad.
From a biologic perspective I was interested in the comments mentioning how masturbation can be an addiction because the endorphins and dopamine released stimulate the reward center. I was actually briefly dependent on opiates when I had access to them for about a year. So I agree, the addictive tendency is there and I probably use it to cope. Alhamdillah I never got completely addicted to drugs, but I still have cravings occasionally. But this is where I am conflicted. I think medication for depression has helped me in the past. I still remember the first time I started taking them and within a week I really felt that “fog lifting”. I haven’t consistently taken them though because my parents did not approve which made it a constant conflict that I decided to just avoid. I think that in addition to therapy it may be helpful to start meds again, but I am scared of abusing them or taking more than prescribed.
As for my family- As Fatima V said, I think I do carry some resentment especially towards my mother. I know it’s my fault for hiding what was happening, but I still wonder, when I came home from school bleeding, why she never noticed. I used to get sick with nerves every morning before school, but my parents assumed it was just morning sickness that I would grow out of. The girls that abused me threatened to do the same to my little sister who went to the same school if I told anyone- so sometimes I hated that I had a sister. I feel horrible for these thoughts because I love my family and would never want to hurt them. I’m not sure I would be able to tell them what happened or how I feel and I don’t see how it would benefit them all these years later.
Thank you all for taking the time to listen, I already feel a bit better just writing this and getting it off my chest. I am going to look into the resources mentioned inshallah. I also think I will be able to discuss the masturbation issue with my therapist at our next session- sharing here helped damper the embarrassment, and it was also reassuring to realize this doesn’t make me a sick or twisted person.
I will try to continue to update the post as well with progress inshallah.
Nada Elessawy
Asalamu Alaikum,
I am genuinely touched that our words had an impact. From your second response, I can see that you’ve really narrowed down and pinpointed what areas you have difficulties with. Doing that not only helps you visualize, if even a little, what goals you can set for yourself, but it will also greatly benefit your talks with your therapist!
I honestly do understand how school can be overwhelming and extremely stressful. But I want you to remember that you got accepted into that program. While many others have been rejected from your pool of applicants, your school saw your accomplishments and decided that they wanted to have you. That you had the potential to do great things and get through medical school. If someone who hasn’t even met you can say that they think of you as someone who is worthy and exceptional, then I think it says a lot about you and your abilities.
Admitting the fact that you sometimes hated having a sister is amazing on your part, and again I’m really thankful that you shared that with us. I think, given your situation, that feeling was most likely a product of the pressures that you were feeling, the desperation you were going through, and the need to protect her. I don’t think you having these thoughts means that you hate her, nor that you are a terrible person. I think it just means that you felt so backed into a corner, that that was one of the only responses that you could have.
Also I’m so so so happy that you’ve decided to talk about masturbation with your therapist. But what I’m even more proud about is that you are able to recognize that you’re not a twisted person. It takes a lot of effort to be able to realize that when you’ve gone through something so traumatic, so I really do think that you should celebrate your ability to be able to properly evaluate who you are. Because it really does indicate how far you’ve come, and that you’re in the process of healing. At least, that’s the way I see it.
Thank you so much for updating us, and please do so again if you ever feel the need to!
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam