Please help
“I need help dealing with my mother and her toxicity but just don’t know how.”
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The sister also submitted the following post, which one of our “Fatima” counselors will be providing a response to soon. This information below is being provided since the sister has given additional context regarding her post above. Please provide your supportive comments below.
Dear Fatima, I’m a teenage girl who occasionally wants to leave home. I live with my mom and her boyfriend and I swear she makes me feel unwanted, pathetic and like she hates me. It’s hard because I love her to death and don’t want anything to happen to her but I feel she doesn’t feel the same. She kinda treats me like trash. Yeah, sometimes I mess up but when I do she acts the world is ending and I caused it. When I do end up doing well she tells me it needs to be like this all the time. I wish sometimes she could be in my place and know how I feel and know how much work we get in school. She makes me feel like a waste of space. Please, this is a cry for help.
Nada Elessawy
Asalamu Alaikum,
Before getting into my response, I think it’s important for you to know that I do not know your mom, so everything that I am about to say is based off of my projection of who she is. So while it might my input may not be completely accurate, I do hope that there are at least bits and pieces of it that may be useful to you.
There are multiple possibilities behind your mother’s actions, but I’d like to believe that it is due to a lack of communication, and some awkwardness on her part. There are many forms of parenting, and some are less effective than others. However, in my eyes when a person attempts to parent and correct their child’s behavior, it is an indication of them caring and loving their child. For instance, her harsh reaction each time you make a mistake might be her way of making sure that you understand that that behavior is harmful, and should be stopped. There are definitely better alternatives to the way that she communicates that to you, but this might be her attempt at shaping you into a greater person. The same thing applies, in this scenario, to when you do something good and she just tells you that it should be this way all the time; that this is her version of reinforcing positive behavior.
There might be days when she might come off as more harsh than others, and I think that’s due to some stresses that she is encountering in her own life, so I also think sitting down with her and asking her about her day while also talking about yours will really help. In general when it comes to relationships, constant and open communication is crucial. Take some time to just sit and talk about things. It doesn’t even have to be something important, it can even be super silly. Make it a routine to have breakfast and chat over random things. It might take a while for her to open up, but I think displaying an effort of trying to get closer to her will have a positive impact on your relationship. You can even make it a habit to hug and kiss her if you’re comfortable doing that. Let her know just how much she means to you and how you love her, I think she’d be happy hearing that.
While this might be hard, I’d also like it if you can talk to her, at a time when she seems to be in an approachable mood, about how negatively her behavior is affecting you, and provide her with some alternatives. It’s very important that she understands this, and if telling her once doesn’t get the message across, try more than once, especially at a time when she hasn’t scolded you, so that she doesn’t assume that it is a spur-of-the-moment reaction.
It is also healthy for you to vent out your frustrations to other people, as you have just done now. Keeping these emotions locked in is not healthy for you, so if it is not reasonable for you to speak with a counselor about this, talk to an extremely close friend that you trust and just let everything out to them. Just venting to them is a much needed mode of release. If you don’t have someone that you’d be comfortable sharing this to, continue to update us here, or you can even keep a journal and just write what comes to mind.
Loving your mom, even when you feel that she is treating you badly, is absolutely amazing. It shows me just how loyal and caring of a person you are. I want you to know that your cry for help has been heard. It is not easy to communicate something so intimate, and I’m proud of you for doing that. From what little you have told me about yourself, I can see that you are a lovely person. Making mistakes is natural, and I believe that they are an opportunity to learn more about yourself and those around you. They are an important experience, and making them does not mean that you are a bad person. It just means that you are learning and growing. I really do wish the best for you.
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam
Nada Elessawy