Lost

Dear Fatima, Assalamu alaykum. I feel like I’m losing all hope. I tried clinging on to the last of it as best as I could. But someone made me realize there really is no hope for me. They confirmed what I’ve been thinking of myself lately, because of my actions; I’m evil, deceitful and a hypocrite. Every inch of me, my very existence makes me want to vomit. I can’t describe with words how much I’m disgusted by myself. I betrayed the trust of the people I love most in this world, my parents. My little sister was suffering so much emotionally and mentally I felt responsible for helping her. Especially since I was the only one at home she trusted. And for some reason, I was completely blindsided and ended up helping her escape. I honestly thought I didn’t have right to stop her from leaving, as I could’ve never understood how much she was suffering. She didn’t get along with the family at all, but I tried so hard to make her understand its just a test from Allah. And I stopped her from leaving before but this time, idk what happened, it’s like I was fed up with it all as well. I just couldn’t comprehend why my siblings and family treated her the way they did. She honestly felt like she was a burden to the family, but I kept telling her that she wasn’t and that although their actions might be wrong, that they love her. But I felt even guilty saying that, because I could see how sad she was, because of the way they treated her. She hasn’t been the easiest child, always getting in trouble at school and at home. And I would get annoyed at her as well when she wouldn’t listen. But she also cried to me almost every day. And I got the parent’s role for her. And lately sha started talking about some of the physical abuse she had endured at home, and I never knew what to say to that. I absolutely love and adore my family, and I’m so grateful for my parents. But at the same time, how could I sit there and tell her they have the right to treat her like that?? But she just to say that it was the mental abuse that got to her the most, because it hurt her when her own family said mean things to her. She felt unworthy. And in the end she was fed up and decided to tell the child protective services about it, … [I was torn, but I let her do it. I had no idea of the allegations until I was interviewed. I was worried she would get in trouble if I didn’t support her, so I said the things were true even though they weren’t.] (Details removed to protect poster’s privacy) … I hate myself, I wish I could disappear. Words can’t describe how much I regret it. At the time it felt right, I felt obligated to do so, in order to protect my sister. But now I see how wrong I’ve been. There’s so much I should’ve done, and I get a headache just thinking about it. Now I feel like my prayers are worth nothing, only evil people could’ve been able to do what I did. And I thought I was good, I thought I had the right intentions. But turns out I’m just an idiot who deserves to suffer. It has come to a point where I don’t see the point of living as my family has suffered so much from this. And I can only blame myself for it. My sister is [age removed to protect privacy], but I’m … older and I should’ve known better. I never wanted to hurt them, all I wanted was to help. But the fact that I was able to say these horrible things about my family is killing me inside. Idk who I am anymore. I can’t stop thinking that I’ll burn in jahannam for eternity for what I’ve done, and I feel like I deserve it. I deserve worse. I’ve been making dua for my parents and siblings since I learned how to pray, and I never wished for any harm to come on to them, but I was the cause of their pain. I can’t live with that. I can’t stand myself. There’s no way Allah accepts my dua and prayers. No way I deserve anything good in life. Everything good I’ve done is just wasted on this horrible act of mine. I love them so much, and I can’t live without them. Idk what to do, I’m so lost I see absolutely no hope for myself.

Assalamu ‘alaykum,

Thank you for writing back and including more details than you did before. It helps me understand the depth of your feelings. Since I am only talking to you anonymously over the internet and cannot know all of your situation, I cannot help you figure out what you feel about each part, or whether what you did was right or wrong. I think going to a therapist where you can tell the whole story and have them sit with you while you figure out the best plan will be most to your benefit.

What I can say, is that the situation definitely sounds confusing. You watched your sister cry every day and had stopped her from running away, you knew she and your parents had conflicts. I don’t know if you ever saw anything between them that made you uncomfortable or worried for her but it seems like you were worried for her for a while. I’m not sure if you ever talked to your parents about your worries, and what their response was.

Yet, I can say that when your sister said that she was being abused, there seems to be a part of you that believed her. I don’t know if there was also a part of you that didn’t believe it, or of you only started doubting her once you heard the things she told the investigators.

I can totally understand being faced with the situation and feeling caught and confused… do I say one thing and protect my sister or do I say another thing and protect my parents?

What a horrible, confusing situation to be in. 

In those situations we have to make the best decision we can, and since it’s clear that you aren’t proud of the decision you made. If you can find a therapist, or another trusted adult to stand with you to help you feel strong enough, I think you know what you can do in this situation to help you feel better… but I am sure it’s also scary. 

My advice, knowing that I don’t have all the facts, is that if you go back to those investigators, and fix your statement, stick to the truth – exactly what you know to be fact – no more no less. I don’t know what they will decide, and consulting with a therapist who can listen to all the facts will help you figure out if there might consequences for supporting allegations you weren’t sure were true, and help you decide if you need to consult with a lawyer too. 

Unfortunately, the only way to find your way through, is to find your way through. I know it feels overwhelming and suicide might feel like an easier way to stop the pain. Yet taking that road won’t help your parents or your sister, and will only make the situation for them worse.

Stay strong, get help. I will be making du’a for you.

Wa ‘alaykum salaam,

Sincerely

Your sister in Islam

“Fatima Z”