Family

Dear Fatima,

Assalmu a’laykum. I’m 19 year old girl. I’m in a very difficult situation where I feel guilt and self hatred 24/7. I have hurt my closest and dearest people, trying to help another close and dear person to me. I hate myself for it, can’t stand even looking in the mirror. Cause I hurt the people I love and trust the most in this world, my parents, and my siblings. Wallahi I thought what I was doing was right, or that I didn’t have the right to stop that person from doing what they did. This person is also a family member, but they did something in order to better their own situation, but at the expense of the family’s. And this person made me feel responsible and needed for them for almost all my life. And I didn’t know how to deal with that much burden on mu shoulders. But I tried to help them through everything. And at one point they needed help with something that ended up being maybe the worst thing that happened to my parents and siblings. And now I hate myself and cannot forgive myself for helping them. But I was stuck in between them, it was like I was standing in the middle of to opposing sides, and it hurt me to see all of them suffer. And I wasn’t thinking clearly when I was helping them, I really wasn’t, it was a stressful period with the exams and stuff and I didn’t get to process the whole thing through properly, and that’s why I agreed to helping them with it. And I asked Allah to guide me and help me make the right choice, so I thought I was doing the right thing. My intention was NEVER to hurt anyone, but it happened. And now I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could sacrifice everything I own just so that they wouldn’t have to go through this terrible pain. If it wasn’t for suicide being Haram, I would have done it long time ago. But now I’m suffering everyday for what I did. I never ever intended for this to happen, and didn’t know it would happen. I’ve started to think I’m just an evil person who breaks everything I love, who doesn’t deserve Allah’s love or forgiveness. I’ve lost all hope. The worst thing is I can’t tell my parents or siblings that I helped this person. I will loose them forever, they’ll never forgive me and I can’t burden them with more. I hate myself, but I don’t want to lose them, they are everything that I have and I love them more than anything in this world. I’m so lost, idk what to do, pls help me.

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Assalamu ‘alaykum, 

It is clear that you are holding onto a lot of regret and sadness from a decision that you thought was a good one but turned out to be something that hurt your family quite deeply. That is a very difficult position to be in – to know that you hurt those close to you and those you love. Their ongoing pain is a reminder of the choice you made that you now regret. 

I’m not sure if the people in your family know about your role in what happened. If they don’t, I would encourage you to find a trusted, wise person to help you figure out if you should talk to your family about it all, and to ask for your family’s forgiveness. That could go a long way in how you feel about things, but only if it’s safe for you to do so. 

If a conversation is not possible, or if you are not up to it just yet, it sounds like you might need some time to think about how you can forgive yourself. 

Often, though it’s hard, when we take the time to look back and why we made the decisions we did, and fully think about both our thoughts and our feelings that pushed us to make the decisions we did, we learn quite a bit. We learn about ourselves, we learn about others, we learn about which situations make our hearts and minds clouded or clear. Looking back is critical to help us figure out how to not find ourselves back in the place we find ourselves in today…. but we need to do it with compassion rather than self-hatred or other-hatred. 

You see, when we look back and do so with kindness we learn, we grow, and we are able to forgive ourselves, and be better in the future. If we look back with self-hatred, we abuse ourselves, punish ourselves, and get ourselves locked in our mistakes… always hurting and not able to move forward. If we look back with other-hatred, we also lock ourselves in the past — a past defined by the other’s oppression of us. Neither self-hatred, or other-hatred frees us of the past nor helps us grow. Yes, for sure, hold yourself accountable, but also don’t get locked into that cycle of hatred. 

Something in your post opened the window for self-compassion… you said: ” I asked Allah to guide me and help me make the right choice, so I thought I was doing the right thing. My intention was NEVER to hurt anyone, but it happened” 

So maybe it was an honestly made mistake? A horrible and regrettable mistake perhaps, but a mistake nonetheless. 

Ask yourself, what do I need to learn? and how can I be a better me in the future? to whom do I need to apologize? and of whom do I need to be careful of in the future?

May Allah shower your path with light so it’s clear which way you need to journey.

Wa ‘alaykum salam, 

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima Z”