Lonely

I am 18 and Male.

I was in love with this girl and she loved me back, it was getting haram so i told her we should cut things off and be ‘friends’. It was okay for about 2 weeks but then my depression got the better of me and i needed to talk to her since she was my only friend. She said stop being needy and got angry at me and stopped our friendship. I dont know how to stop loving her and to stop thinking about her, she understood me but now she is gone and the things she said when she left were really harsh. I want to move on from this situation but i dont know how, I need someone to read this please.

Dear brother,

It shows great strength that you are reaching out for help in this way. I encourage you to recognize this strength that you have and focus on and enhance it insha’allah. You also demonstrated great strength in making the difficult choice to tell her to cut off the intimacy and just be friends. This is certainly not an easy thing to do and takes good character, self-awareness, and resolve to be able to follow through with your conscience in that way. These are achievements to be positively acknowledged and celebrated. Building off of those strengths, I encourage you to continue in this way and to reach further into your capacity for inner strength to work on refining your character even further. Thankfully, we are in the month of Ramadan which is a perfect time to focus on this endeavor and to turn both inward to our own self reflection and turn to Allah as the source of strength. A large part of this month is about controlling our passions and the yearnings within our self. These yearnings are a natural part of being human and are part of our condition and the work we are here to do in this life. The work for us to do is defined by a process of self reflection and deliberate action to discipline our selves and thus refine our character. This process, although sometimes difficult, yields a greater sense of true self satisfaction than that of the kind which comes from following our yearnings and desires. Thus, every effort that you make toward attempting to master your self and refine your character will pay off ten fold by cultivating a deeper sense of satisfaction through increased internal peace and resolve in being a self regulating organism that can have more control of your inner state. When we give up our happiness and peace to the control of others and external circumstances we are subjecting ourselves to constant turmoil and a sense of feeling lost and out of control. That sense of loneliness that you are feeling is partially a result of this giving up your peace and happiness to another. When we turn toward external sources of fulfillment that we cannot control we often find ourselves in a state of disappointment and loneliness because those people are not always there when we need them or how we need them and we can’t change who they are, where they are and what they do. Therefore, in order to have a sustainable resource for feeling happy, at peace, not-alone, and loved, we need to cultivate an internal mechanism for tapping into the source of those things. That means spending more time within our self, in our own heart and reaching out to and trying to turn to and connect with Allah. Allah is the source of love and companionship. You feel those things reflected in your relationship with this girl, but she is not the source of those feelings. You have essentially become deluded into believing that you need her to not feel alone. Certainly it is easier to feel love and companionship within the presence of another, and in this intimate way. But those moments are fleeting and are not sustainable, as you have found. Thus, I would encourage you to use these blessed days in this holy month to turn inward and to focus on building and enhancing the inner strength that you clearly have and have demonstrated already. Surely prayer, fasting and reading Qur’an are ways of doing this. And I would suggest that in addition to those things, or perhaps infused within them, you should make an effort to spend time getting to know your own heart. Allow yourself to feel and understand the emotions you are having and then bring those feelings into your turning to Allah. There is no shame in having feelings for a girl, it is natural. And there is no shame in having slipped in your behavior, it is expected. Use this circumstance to bring you closer to your own heart and to Allah by allowing the pain you currently feel to exist and be seen by you and given to Allah to heal and to comfort. This is the cure for loneliness.

Sending strength and perseverance

Your brother in Islam, 

“Fatima Y”

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Salaams Dear Brother,

I am sorry you are going through this very difficult time. You made a very brave decision to keep a halal relationship with this girl. I think you should know, it is a very difficult thing to do, and that is a huge step you took. Hats off to you. I can imagine her decision can be very hurtful, and I know moving passed love can also be very trying. I do believe that Allah only tries us with things we can overcome. 

لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).

Here are some things you can focus on:

1. Exercise. Running, yoga, dancing are all things that can help. When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body. Endorphins act as analgesics, which means they diminish the perception of pain.
2. Perhaps you can use this Blessed month to focus on your relationship with Allah. Pray, meditate, dhikr, talk to Allah. Call on him to help you. I know it may not seem like it’ll help but overtime it will be your sanctuary. It’ll give you ease and help you deal with pressures by taking a step back and seeing the larger picture. Meditation stimulates the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus, thus releasing endorphins. Meditation also increases production of serotonin, dopamine and melatonin, all related to positive moods, happiness and relaxation.
3. Talk to a professional therapist or a good well trusted friend in person. I know it may not seem like this is something that you would need a professional therapist for but talking to people can help give clarity to your thoughts. They too can offer some advice that you are not able to see.
4. Paint and write your thoughts and emotions. These are both great ways to release energy and can help you understand and control your emotions. After you write down your thoughts, go back and read them out loud. This will help you better understand what you are going through.
5. Get involved in helping your community. Join food drives, run or walk in a marathon, join a senior assistance program, or volunteer at a shelter. This can help you increase self-confidence, combat depression, and helps you stay physically healthy.

I am certain you will find someone when the time is right. And if this is the person for you then inshaAllah it will work out when the time is right. Trust in Allah and He will provide for you what is best.

“Oh Allah, when I lose my hope and plans, help me remember that your Love for me is greater than my disappointments, and Your plans for me are better than my dreams” – Imam Ali (RA)

I hope this helps. Sending you lots of warm love,

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.” -Khalil Gibran

Your sister in Islam

“Fatima X”