Difficult Times

Salam, I am a 19 year old female. For the majority of my life my siblings and I have endured physical abuse at the hands of our mother. My mum always preaches the fact the islam places great value on a mother, and that heaven lies at her feet, which I completely agree with. But she goes so far as to say that God permits mothers to kill their children if they wish to do so. I don’t know if this is correct but I do know that my beloved God would never permit so much pain to inflicted on his slaves.

I have had my fair share of beatings but as i’ve gotten older i’ve learn’t what triggers my mum, and I try to avoid these triggers. My siblings however, are younger (7,12,16 and 17) and they fight as children do. I love my mum and I know that she really doesn’t want to hit us. I just can’t bear it when she hits them. They are just children and they should be taught how to do things with love and compassion. Every time she hits them I start panicking and I need to everything in my power to stop it, which is sometimes limiting. I get caught in the crossfire most if not all times. I remember one day she pressed a knife onto me and threatened to kill me if I got in the way again. This has happened a couple of times. My mum can’t control her anger, when she is in this state I look into her eyes and I can’t recognise her, its like something has taken over her. It is the youngest two that get hit the most now (7 and 12) and my mum says that this is her ‘disciplining’ them, and that she disciplined me and I turned out “well behaved”.  When I get involved she stops talking to me for days and sometimes weeks in extreme cases. I have to apologise and beg her to forgive me for days until she decides to forgive me. She is manipulative. I wish she could stop.

My parents argue a lot, and when I say a lot I mean everyday. They argue about the littlest things. It really affects you mentally. Somedays I just want to run away.

I also struggle with my body image. From a young age I have been overweight, and my mum and dad used to pick on me for it. They’d call me fat and tell me that I needed to lose weight. I was 10 years old and they’d make me feel bad for eating. At the age of 15 I was diagnosed with meningitis and at the time I was on the atkins diet (proposed by my father). My life has been a constant struggle with my weight. I lost 4 stones when I was 17 and still to this day I fear putting on all the weight. But the worst of it all is that I still see this fat, ugly repulsive me in the mirror. No matter how hard I train and how healthy I eat I still see the old me. I look in the mirror and I  break down because I hate what I see. I think its called body dysmorphic disorder or something like that.

The only way I could really deal with everything in my life was to cut myself. Its embarrassing and I’m ashamed to say I did it, but I did. I used to have thoughts of killing myself. I would lie in my bed and think about how it would be if it all just stopped. Of course I knew that suicide is wrong and that it completely goes against our religion. But these thoughts would really scare me. My relationship with Allah has really strengthened and I haven’t cut for 2 years now alhamdulilah. Running really helps me, its a great release, and I talk to Allah about everything. But yesterday something happened and I had the most intense desire to cut myself, I just wanted to slit my throat and bleed to death. It was pretty scary. I couldn’t sleep all night.

I want to cut myself but I don’t want to disappoint Allah.

Asalaamoalaikum sister,

My heart broke and is still hurting after reading your post. I cannot imagine the suffering, the pain and hurt that you and your siblings are going through. May Allah SWT have mercy on your family. Ameen. 

Since you are in UK, I don’t know what the law says about child abuse. I would not recommend confronting your mother about any of this as it has the potential of backfiring on you and the abuse could potentially get worse. But I would recommend that you talk to a close family member (i.e. an aunt or uncle or grandparents) and seek their help in addressing this concern (if this is something that you can do). It’s very sad that your mother was blessed with the gift of motherhood however she is abusing this gift. May Allah SWT guide her to the right path. Ameen. 

As far as the cutting is concerned, I can’t imagine what you are going through as that is making you internalize all this negativity and punish yourself. It’s not your fault that you are in this sad and terrible position. Have faith in Allah’s mercy that He will put things right InshAllah. Try to figure out what makes you calm (something positive not cutting) like reciting the Quran, praying, etc. and use that when you feel overwhelmed and have the urges to cut. It’s because you feel that you don’t have any control over the situation and your life, that’s perhaps why you assert control by cutting. 

You are so resilient and strong to post about the difficult times. Believe in that! 

My prayers are with you. 

Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “AH”

Dear One who is enduring difficult times:

Allah is the Merciful, the Compassionate, the Just. Harming ourselves or others is outside of Allah’s commandment in the Qur’an to encourage the good and forbid the evil. 

Many of the symptoms you are describing are common among people who are experiencing trauma. They can be overwhelming and sometimes feel like they will never end. It took so much strength for you to reach out. It was a brave thing to do.

From a few things you’ve said, it seems like you are in the UK.

I’m not familiar with the system there, but I imagine that they have a system similar to the Child Protective Services we have here in the U.S. Since you have been threatened with a knife, I would encourage you to seek help from a school counselor, and they would likely put you in touch with those services. It might be an uncomfortable or even scary process to talk to someone about the pain you’ve been experiencing. The ultimate goal is that you and your siblings get into a safe situation because we can only heal once we are safe. 

I will pray that you are given people who will guide you with loving compassion to get your family the help it needs.

Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “FM”