I really don’t know

I really don’t know

I’m a female in my 20s and I don’t know how to explain that I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. My relationship with my family isn’t what is used to be. I’ve changed and become distant with so many people. I feel so lonely. I feel extremely insecure. I got led on by a guy and it’s changed my life. I used to be this happy girl that was always having fun, nice and playful. But after I got led on it opened this door of sadness. I really think I am depressed because nothing and I mean nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I am still friends with the guy that led me on, it wasn’t entirely his fault and I forgave him for it even though he never admitted to it nor apologized for it. But the pain and the memory is still very much there. I’m all over the place. Basically the guy I like led me on and my group of friend ended up fake and after the guy leading me on I became blunt and fought with everyone which is ruining my relationship with my family. My mom and sisters think I need a psychiatrist and I personally think I do too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I feel so low. And I don’t know how to help myself. Nothing is going for me. My life is falling apart and I’m watching it fall apart and I don’t know what to do. I’ve made constant duas for things to get better but nothing seems to change I’m beginning to lose hope in everything. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy one day.

As Salaam Alaikum, Dear Sister, 
I am so sorry you are going through such difficult times. I first want to commend you on taking the step to seek help. It is difficult to see through our problems sometimes and a professional therapist can really help make the connections manageable for you. I would highly recommend finding a therapist (beit a psychiatrist, psychologist, LPC or LSW) one that you are comfortable with that can understands your needs. 
Sometimes it may seem that Allah swt it not hearing our duas and that nothing seems to be changing, but while we are walking in the fog it can be difficult to see those little changes that do occur. Keep making those duas for guidance, really talk to Allah, not just in dua form, but create a personal deep relationship with your Rabb. When you’re depressed, it often feels like nothing in the world can make you feel better. Depression is a devious disorder, because the symptoms it creates can discourage you from completing the very actions or seeking the help that would begin your recovery. Lack of energy, low self-esteem and dwindling excitement are some of the symptoms that make it hard to get out of a depressed state. 
Here are a few things that you can do that may help in addition to talking to a professional therapist:
  1. Pray, like I mentioned before pray like you’ve never prayed before. And by this I mean create a path to Allah that may not be different from what you are used to. Talk to Allah in ways that you would talk to your best friend. 
  2. Exercise: When you’re depressed your energy levels can drop drastically, but the last thing you want to do when feeling down is to keep yourself from getting up. It’s a physiological fact that activity fights depression. Get your heart rate up 20 minutes a day, five days a week, and you will feel better emotionally. Exercising increases the neuro-plasticity of your brain and releases neurochemicals called endorphins, which help to elevate your mood. Even just getting out of the house for a walk, riding your bike around the block, or a trip to the gym is a medically proven method of improving the way you feel.
  3. Meditation/Yoga: Like exercise, yoga or meditating can also release those feel goof chemicals in your brain. It helps us live in the moment, which gives us time to react when dealing with difficulties. 
  4. Extend your friend circle, it seems this guy has really hurt you, maybe it is time to cut him loose from your friends circle and make friends with people who only bring you up. No one deserves to be treated poorly, and if he is making you feel less than the wonderful self you are, then let him go. No need to ghost him, be cordial when you do see him, but otherwise seek new people who you can be yourself around. 
  5. Try new things and do things you once liked to do: A good way to make new friends is to join new groups like a paint night at your local rec center, or volunteer work at a residential home for the elderly, these are great places to meet new people. Also, go back to something you used to enjoy doing. 
  6. Lastly, don’t be so hard yourself. Feeling embarrassed or self-hating over your depression will only increase your symptoms and discourage you from seeking help. Your critical thoughts toward yourself will try to keep you down any way they can, including by attacking you for feeling down. It’s important to take your side and have compassion for yourself at those difficult times. 
I really do believe you will be able to come out of this stronger inshaAllah. Take the time to invest in yourself. It is ok to do that. Don’t lose hope, because you are not alone. Allah says in Surah Ghafir, Ayat 60, “And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.” Additionally in a hadith the Prophet Salalahu Alaihi wa Alihi said “I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’” -(Sahih Bukhari)
Your family seems to really understand you are going through a difficult time, use that support and inshaAllah you will come out stronger. May Allah swt guide you. Ameen. 
Lastly, if you believe you are in danger, if you are considering harming yourself, please seek immediate help. Here are some very helpful resources:
1-800-DON’T-CUT – More info on self-injury
1-800-273-TALK – A 24-hour crisis hotline if you’re about to self-harm or are in an emergency situation.
1-800-SUICIDE – Hotline for people contemplating suicide.
1-800-334-HELP – Self Injury Foundation’s 24-hour national crisis line.

1-877-332-7333 – Real Help For Teens’ help line.

Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “X”

4 thoughts on “I really don’t know”

  1. anonymous

    Asalaamu alaykum Sister,

    First things first, change your surroundings by starting a new job, DIY project, kickboxing class (great groupon deals), or delve into any other interests you have, because then our minds get shocked into being active and our emotions are begging us to wallow, but in order to wallow, we need to be inactive.

    Now, you said that you are a happy-go-lucky girl, but this unfortunate event has caused you to become different. I can understand that you feel used, taken for granted, and deeply hurt, and naturally these feelings can cause a person to react either by shutting down or acting out, but this is just a phase in your life. This does not define you, my sweet sister. You have not become different from your happy-go-lucky self. If a person gets injured, they will scream and cry, but that is just a result of the injury, not of who they are. It is what you do with this injury that will mold you into the future you. The future you will be stronger and realize that your heartbreak cannot actually make your heart or spirit break, because it is beating with the noor of Allah, and He resides in it. He is your Protector. You just have to recognize this fact. The future you will be more confident and out of a line of prospective partners, you will choose a husband that cherishes you and is devoted to you. The future you will be wiser and will teach your son and daughter how to be kind in relationships (spousal, friend, etc.)

    Everything happens according to Allah swt’s design. This didn’t happen to you for no reason. He tests those whom He loves. I already know that you are a forgiving and kind person who loves their family. I don’t know many who would forgive someone that caused them pain and then didn’t apologize or even acknowledge. Allah swt wants you to have a partner who is deserving of you. Maybe according to your current standards, he was a good prospect, but what if Allah swt has a higher standard for you? Allah swt has pre-programmed you to conquer this “bug” in your life. Time to get an updated iOS and reset 😉

    I don’t know about the current situation with your family, whether you have shared this problem with them. If not, you could find a way to explain to them what is happening with you, even if it is indirectly like through a trusted third person or a letter. If you are feeling embarrassed or afraid of them chastising you, then explain to them that you need their listening ear, love, and shoulder to cry on right now. Your family is always on your side and they want to help, my dear sister. Most importantly, beseech Allah swt for His guidance by delving into the Quran. Inshallah, He will lead you. Every tear of yours is precious to Him, every word of yours will reach him.

    Sending tons of hugs and dua your way,

    Your sister-in-hearbreak

  2. Yousuf

    Dear Sister in Islam,

    I understand what you are going through. Cut off from this guy. It does not matter whose fault it was. Having any contact with him will remind will back bad memories. Look for a few good girls who can be your friend. Pray Tahajjud, read a page of the Quran every morning after Fajr prayer. Keep up your five daily prayers and be patient. Allah does not burden us with more than we can bear. Talk to Allah but never say, ” Allah, why is this happening to me ? “.
    Allah allowed it to happen to you for a reason. This is how our patience is tested. Allah will reward you greatly for your patience , insha Allah.
    The Quran always says, ” With difficulty , comes ease “. So that means that good times may be just right around the corner.
    This is life and people get sad sometimes. But the sadness is not forever. Being sad for a long time is a sign that we don’t have hope in Allah. So my message is , ” Never loose hope in Allah “. Loosing hope in Allah is a kind of disbelief. Even saying that Allah will never forgive me, is a sign of disbelief because Allah is ” Ghafoor and Raheem” ie ” The most forgiving , the most merciful “. So be strong sister.

  3. Anonymous

    Salaam sweet sis,

    Heartbreak can be such a difficult thing. There is so much pain involved when you lose what you thought could have been with that one person who mattered so much. These feelings of pain and sadness, and sometimes even anger, end up impacting so many areas of our lives, like in this case determining whether your friends are true friends, and also the impact it has on your family life, especially because it’s probably also sad for them to see your hurting so much too.

    It’s important to acknowledge to yourself that it’s only natural for a situation like this to cause some pain and sadness. There might even be some brief grieving necessary for what you thought was a possibility with this guy.

    It’s important to allow yourself to feel and process these emotions. Fatima’s response on the post, and Huda’s comment, both present great ways to process your emotions, such as journaling and talking to Allah. It’s ok to cry and inshaAllah you can find a comforting shoulder to cry on as well, and if not, know that Allah is the best one to cry to. I often find when I journal to Allah about my struggles and pain, often times, by the end of my ranting, I find so much peace and clarity and really end up loving Allah on a whole other level.

    As you allow yourself to feel and process these emotions, you will begin to find yourself healing and inshaAllah this will open the door for you to begin finding some light and hope.

    Most importantly remember, it’s often these struggles in our lives that can be a turning point for us, an opportunity to remove some of the veils in our lives. Then we can see more of the light Allah has placed within each of us. When we begin to see that light within ourselves, it allows us to see Allah’s light in the world more clearly so we can live up to our potential in our deen and duniya inshaAllah! You find the beautiful diamond in what you thought was a solid dark rock, inshaAllah!

    With lots of love and prayers,
    Your sister in Islam

    PS Please post again or reply to this thread to let us know how you’re doing 🙂

  4. Huda

    Salaam sister!

    I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you are feeling really heartbroken from this guy who led you on and it appears as though you are also feeling betrayed. It wasn’t super clear to me from your post, but I think you are also feeling betrayed from you friends. If it were me, I would also be feeling really angry too and wanting to fight. I think these are valid emotions you are feeling from a situation that isn’t entirely your fault and may not entirely be your friends fault either.

    Heartbreak and those feelings of anger and betrayal are not easy to handle on your own. It’s good that your family is suggesting the therapist and it sounds like they’d be supportive of you as you go see one. I definitely think you should work with them and try to set up something. If you have health insurance you can work with the health insurance to see what kind of therapist is in your network. This will end up being cheaper for you. It’s worth looking into with your family.

    In the meantime, I think Journaling can really help you too. These are complicated emotions and especially if they are new to us, it’s hard to recognize what is going on. You’re only in your 20s and this is the time in our lives which we experience these challenging relationship situations. Journaling about it will help you identify your feelings and be honest with yourself. Fatima suggests getting close to Allah… You can write your journal entries as if you’re speaking to and complaining to Allah. Work on keeping your intentions good and He swt will light a path for you, I promise.

    I really like fatima’s response and think if you incorporate exercise it will help you feel with these difficult feelings too.

    Sending lots of love and duas your way!