Uncontrollable feelings
Dear Fatima
im a 20 year old girl. I have started to have feelings for my cousin but she doesn’t know and neither does my family. I know these feelings of immense attachment are a test from Allah and I have to control them but it’s led to a deteriorating relationship between me and her. When I ask her to come over she tells me that she doesn’t have to come over and spend nights to be my friend. With other people I don’t have such feelings that I need to spend time with them. However without her spending weekends with me I feel incomplete, upset and be in a bad mood. I don’t know how to get out of these feelings, it is definitely not normal, it is not something I feel is in my control and I have no clue how to handle it. I know I can’t tell my cousin or family directly about this because they may never talk to me again. I have made much duaa but im very lost.
What can I do? 🙁
Assalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmathulah wa Barakatuh,
Dearest Sister, if you feel that speaking honestly about your feelings will cause your cousin and your family to disconnect with you then I would look for another support system that will help you process your feelings, understand them, and be supportive of you. Perhaps you can connect with other friends or family members that you can trust. It can be easy to feel lost and incomplete when you are not connected to people who are loving and supportive. What is it about her that draws you to her? Perhaps you can find those same attributes in others that are willing to spend time with you.
If you are alone unless you are with your cousin it will certain intensify your feelings and need for her. Engaging in activities that you are passionate about or investing in a greater cause is a good way to feel more complete as well. I would look into social activities, or other volunteer or service activities that will help you find meaning and connection with others. And of course a deeper spiritual connection with Al Wadud, The Loving, whether by praying tahajjud, or working in His name will also help you feel more complete.
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “V”
Salaam sister ,
You are a brave person to admit to having such feelings and knowing that it’s not allowed in Islam. Many people live their lives in denial. It takes a lot of guts, I commend you for this.
It must be a real struggle for you to interact with your cousin when you’re having such feelings about her. I cannot imagine what you are going through however you are correct to say that this is indeed a test from God. He knows that you are strong and will InshAllah pass this test. The fight with your nafs is what you have to focus on and ask Allah SWT for His help and guidance.
Like another sister said in her comment, keep yourself busy with activities in order to distract yourself. I know it’s difficult to find and make new friends but it is doable. Try something that you have always wanted to do but never got a chance to do before. It could be an art class, a book club…check out your local library to see the kinds of classes they’re offering. Keep yourself busy.
I will praying for you and keep holding onto your faith. May Allah SWT help you..ameen.
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima U”
Note from admin: Salaam! You might find the following “Fatima” responses and wonderful peer supportive comments beneficial:
The Olive Tree
Asalamoalaikum Sister in Islam,
Thankyou for posting your question on this website. I hope that all the feedback that you are getting from these people is helping you.
I think that you should try to stay away from this cousin since you are getting feeling about her ( I am thinking these are homosexual feelings. Forgive me if I am wrong ). Make other friends who you think are following the teachings of Islam. This will keep you on the right path, in sha Allah.
If you are in College, then devote your time to your studies and also keep the company of
good people.
Best regards,
Brother “Y”
HA18
Salaam sweetheart,
Feeling a great deal of love for someone is not bad. It is not just you, but a lot of people grow immensely attached to someone for various reasons but the feelings are not always reciprocated in the same way. I couldn’t tell from your post if this is a romantic attachment, but people have strong, almost obsessive, attachments to people they love romantically as well.
I think it is great that you are capable of having great love for someone, BUT as you can see in your own words in your post, this love is not reciprocated to the same extent, which is the absolute right of your cousin (she is doing NOTHING wrong), and it is causing you great emotional harm. Therefore, you are loving in an unnatural and unhealthy way for yourself.
You are not alone in feeling this. We all have moments of feeling alone, reciprocated, and unloved. It is also clear that you level of love is inappropriate for this situation. It is too much.
Assuming (if my assumption is wrong, I apologize) you are the same person who has posted the other similar questions, it means that you have been battling this issue for over a year and a half. Throughout your questions, it is becoming clear that you are understanding that she wants her boundaries and has not wanted a closer relationship with you for some time. It is not completely clear that you are trying to respect them and those posts share a common theme of not understanding why the boundaries need to exist as you two have been such good friends previously, but it is also clear that all you feel is despair from this situation.
This is not fair to yourself (or your cousin). Your feelings are blinding you and you are stuck in pit of just wanting her to love you back. You owe it to yourself to move beyond your reaction to the emotions you are feeling. Yes, these feelings of heartbreak and loneliness you feel because of her are difficult, but they are not the only emotion you are capable of feeling. You can choose to move past this. You can choose to want to be strong enough to start a revolution in yourself to get out of this pit and say “no, I don’t want to feel like this about her anymore”. “no, I want to give my love, firstly to myself, and secondly to others who actually want it”
You cannot do this in a vacuum. You really need to develop and appreciate the relationships you have with others. Do you have other people you occasionally speak to or hang out with? It may be worth to strike up, SLOWLY, a closer relationship with them. For example, if you are in college, is there someone you can go out to lunch with occasionally? Is there a group, such as the MSA or a group related to your degree, who go on any social outings? These are opportunities you need to take to create other meaningful relationships…relationships with people who actually want it…and therefore deserve your time.
I cannot tell how much time you have spent with a therapist, but you need to find one now. It is clear that you have not been able to move past this with just this website or on your own. If you tried one therapist and it didn’t work, that happens to a lot of people, you need to try another. Sweetheart, you are young and you should not waste your beautiful emotions and potential relationships on this cousin. You really, really, really owe it to yourself and to Allah swt who has created you beautifully to treat yourself right and put yourself around people who will help you have better relationships.
InshAllah you will feel the sakeena in your heart and be able to feel love first from Allah, and be able to deal with the disappointments that all our human relationships come with. <3