The repetitive cycle of hurt
Dear Fatima,
Asalamu aleykum, I hope this message reaches you well. I have been struggling with heartbreak for nearly 5 years. Backdrop to the story I grew up in a very emotionally unstable home. My father was and is emotionally abusive. Hence, at a very tender age I began to seek love from other men. I liked a guy, but due to reasons we did not pursue it any further. I was 15 at that time obviously what do I know about marriage at that age. Few years later at 17 I am with another guy, things just don’t work out and I leave. I began to practice the Deen more and a few years later I met this amazing guy. The other 2 guys I was with I wasn’t really serious about them. Anyways guy no. 3 is amazing, he’s practicing, smart, we have the same goals I meet his family everything is great. I feel that Allah swt has showered me with a great gift because I truly repented from my past relationships. Guy no. 3 and I are together for 5 years and he finds out about the instability in my home, I mean I told him the truth at the beginning but this starts to bother him the way my family is. He leaves me for someone else. Since then I have been suffering from anxiety I do not know when the last time was where my chest didn’t feel heavy. I haven’t eaten a proper meal in several months. I go through repetitive fits of asking Allah swt to forgive me and other times I know I shouldn’t but feel resentment towards Allah swt because so many people pursued a haram relationship in my friend circle and are happily married. Is Allah punishing me because I broke up with those two other guys? How do I get married when most people know how my father is and don’t want to marry me? I really need advice.
Salaam,
I pray that Allah will ease your hardships (ameen). You have insight that at 17 you are able to recognize that because of the way you have seen your father, you seek out attention from other men. Most 17 year olds are unable to make such a connection.
One thing you have to understand about relationships is that the other person does have his/her own likes and can change over time as well. So being with someone for x-amount of years does not mean anything to some people. I know it is sad and unfortunate but that is how the world is. Another thing you have to understand that Allah SWT is wrathful but then He is also Merciful. He forgives everyone and I pray that you find peace as well InshAllah.
Marriage will happen when Allah SWT will it; not a moment later or earlier. You need to pray that Allah SWT blesses you with a life partner who will respects and loves you. Granted the community knows your father however when Allah SWT will it for you to get married then InshAllah no one or nothing can stop it from happening InshAllah. I know it must be really difficult to hold strong on to your faith but please do hold on to that. Allah SWT is the Only One who will never leave you and will always be with you no matter what.
Another recommendation is that if you are going to college, seek Counseling on the campus and try to work through your issues. You need someone to talk to and be able to process it. You have to take care of yourself because no one else will. Don’t torture yourself. Eat well and exercise. Distract yourself with either volunteer activities or some other activity which interests you.
Regards,
Your sister in Islam,
Fatima “U”
HA18
Salaam!
I wanted to start off with saying that I am sorry that you are going through this. This is really one of those really hard but necessary things in life that we have to struggle with, and especially feeling heartbreak for so many years is so tough. Like you’ve said, that kind of heartbreak leaves you with strong anxiety, effects your health, and I know what you mean when you say your chest feels heavy. If left unchecked, it can lead to other things such as getting more severe depression and your anxiety and health will also worsen.
Like Fatima said, you are very emotionally intelligent and self-aware to have come this far. Good for you, mashAllah.
At this point, there is only one thing you can do for yourself and that is to gain peace from acceptance. For starters, you need to move past this heartbreak. It sounds like this guy was something like your first love and was a very strong love for you. You have may shared more with him than you have ever with anyone else, and you may have loved him more than you’ve loved anyone else. I want to offer you these words: you absolutely will get over this with time, and you will love someone else even more than you loved him. The next time you find love, and you will definitely find love – rest assured, your love will be a love that makes you stronger and a better person. This breakup has taught you, albeit painfully, what boundaries you need to set in life and what you need from a relationship.
You ask whether Allah is punishing you. If you have truly repented, cried, felt horrible about any bad things you have done, then please know that Allah is not punishing you and has forgiven you. There are a few things at play. One is that Iblees tries to make us feel like we are unforgivable and that Allah does not love us…this continues to help us feel worse and makes us feel weak and more able to be tempted by sin. The other comes from our own self, where we do not support ourselves enough/do enough self care to get up and move past this and we are stuck in the cycle of despair and anxiety. Allah is absolutely not punishing you, but know that right now this is a natural process of moving past something painful. You will not suddenly one day feel happy and “back to normal” but it will be a journey where eventually you will feel more peace than you did before, and the pain in your heart will become less and less painful, until one day it is gone. On this journey, we need a guide and we need help. Turn to Allah consistently, say Allah, I do not know what to do, please show me the way, please guide me. Then try your best.
I also want to let you know that you are not the only person who will bring problems (in this case, the problems are in the form of your father) to a marriage. Let me assure you that your future spouse, in fact everyone in any marriage, is bringing similar problems. Whether it is an abusive father, brother, mother, sister…whether it is health problems…whether it is their own weaknesses in akhlagh that they have not yet discovered…understand that both parties will be bringing plenty of problems to the marriage. Your marriage-ability is not defined by your problems, but how you handle them. Your spouses marriage-ability is also defined by the same thing. If your last relationship ended because he could not handle that one problem…not even the problem of yourself but the problem of your father…then it is better that the relationship ended instead of you having to deal with someone unsupportive of your situation for the rest of your life. He may have had other redeeming qualities, but he was definitely not the right person for you. This was not your fault, he was unable to handle a situation that is (unfortunately) a common problem in marriage and that is dealing with in laws. There exist men who are able to handle this. But those men understand that they are not marrying your father, they are marrying you. You can demonstrate, without belittling your family, that your father will not be a hindrance or a great source of difficulty in your future marriage. You can demonstrate that you do not possess the bad qualities that he has. But your spouse also has to demonstrate compassion and a willingness to support you. This sounds maybe unattainable especially after you went through a bad experience, but know that men like that exist. If you are good and kind, Allah will send you goodness and kindness when the time is right.
Spend this time working on yourself. Learn things about your father that make you angry/upset. Learn what you don’t want in your future husband and then learn what you do. Learn how to set boundaries with men. Also, learn that you are loveable and enough for yourself.
Like Fatima said, I highly recommend you work with a counselor or a life coach to get your through this.
Wishing you lots of luck, sending you lots of duas, and praying for a great love in your future.
The Olive Tree
Asalamoalaikum,
Thankyou for posting your question on this website. Fatima “V” has already given you good advice.
Do not feel resentment towards Allah swt. Other people in your friends circle pursued a haram relationship and seem to be happily married. You do not know for sure if they are happily married. Only Allah swt knows for sure. Even if we assume that they are happily married, that does not mean that Allah swt will not test them with trials and tribulations ( fitna ).
If you are patient with your hardships, Allah swt will bless you, inshaAllah. The people who Allah swt loves the most are tested the most. The prophets were heavily tested.
Always say , “Alhamdulillah” in every situation, good or bad. I pray that Allah makes things easy for you, Ameen.
The Quran says, ” With difficulty, comes ease “.
Sincere regards.
from,
The Olive Tree