Confusing attractions
Dear Fatima,
Assalammualaikum,
I’m Dee, 24 yo guy from Malaysia, borned as a Muslim, doing my best everyday to be a better Muslim.
Although being brought up in an Islam environment, with parents that are encouraging to embrace the way of life Islam brings, I have a problem with attractions towards others. No matter how I try to shut it down, I couldn’t help to be attracted to the same gender. It’s frustrating because I’m fully aware that Islam doesn’t promote homosexuality.
I have accepted for quite sometime that this might be a test from Allah s.w.t but I still living with a constant fear of myself losing to syaiton’s temptation in the form of nafs’ as I fully aware if that happens, I have everything to lose.
And matter got worse few months back when I started work at a company, where I’m attracted to one guy and it’s killing me softly. However, he taught me a lot about Islam, practices of Quran and Sunnah. I’ve never told him about my condition, and I probably won’t. However because of knowing him, I’ve been able to control my nafs’ and any sinful desires, I always wonder whether this is Allah’s plan all along, to test me and at the same time help me.
Although the attraction is still there, I have come to peace with it. My concern right now is, I have become clingy to him, I want him to be by my side all the time. My question would be, should I end this friendship as it’s slowly crushing me and honestly, I couldn’t bare it anymore.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
Assalammualaikum,
Love,
Dee
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Assalaamu Alaikum Dee,
May Allah reward you for working so hard to please Him. May Allah make the path to Jannah easy for you, Ameen. I am happy to hear that you have come to a certain level of acceptance when it comes to your attraction, and are, at the present moment, at peace with it.
I am concerned, however, about your living in constant fear and the potential for losing everything. I cannot imagine what a huge weight that would be on your shoulders and on your heart. I would encourage you to expand your network of support. Seek out others who are supportive of you decisions, goals, and who you are no matter what. Living alone in fear is not a good place for anybody. It is no wonder that your would feel “clingy” when you found a good influence. Any human being, no matter who they are attracted to, will feel clingy to the closest positive force in their life if their heart is void of authentic relationships and unconditional love. Once you expand your support network and find friends and family who can offer you unconditional love, I think you will be in a better place to make the decision about what is right for you, and whether or not to continue a relationship with your friend at work. Above all, make dua’a to our Merciful Creator to give us all the strength to continue please Him, and to forgive our shortcomings when we falter. Ameen!
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima V”
Anonymous
Dear Dee,
I sympathize with your dilemma and at the same time, I admire your struggle and strength to please Allah (swt). It’s not easy to control your desires and all desires, if acted upon at the wrong time, are sinful even if it’s with a male / female relationship.
Having said this, I wouldn’t end your friendship with this person for one simple reason, because he is a positive influence on you. You can’t run away from your problems, the best way to solve them is to face them. You must face your issue, your homo sexual desires, and constantly work to control them which is what you are doing. This will always be with you, just like someone with a drinking problem … they have to control themselves for the rest of their lives. By facing it with a friend who teaches you about Quran and sunnah is Allah’s way of helping you inshAllah. At the same time, I agree with the others, expand your circle of friends and divert your interests as well. Take up a hobby or the study of Arabic or something that will help keep you occupied. Throughout all this, constantly pray to Allah (swt) and seek his guidance, inshAllah he will help you in ways you can’t even begin to imagine!
Olive Tree
As salam oalaikum brother Dee,
You said that you started working at a company a few months ago. That means that you have a regular income. This would be a great time for you to get married to a nice muslim woman. This will help you to fight the feeling that you have for the same gender as yourself, insha Allah.
Sincerely,
Your brother
HA18
Salaam Dee,
You are a very strong person mashAllah to be able to go through these challenges. It sounds like Allah is also taking care of you and loves you greatly, alhamdillilah. Your friend sounds like a really great friend. This friendship sounds like one of those great friendships where even if someone was heterosexual, they would greatly love and appreciate their friend. I think since you are concerned about having some homosexual tendencies that this love and appreciation could lead you to something that it sounds like you do not want to do. At the same time, this is more challenging because your friendship with him as been beneficial to you.
I think if you were able to find more friends and expand your network a little bit, then your friendship with this friend will be less of a challenge for you. The difficulty right now is that you feel attraction to him, which is understandable since he sounds like such a great person, and it’s causing you to be clingy. I think you should continue your friendship, but right now, while you are feeling vulnerable, try to limit it a little bit. As you make more and different friends, you will be able to have the strength to view him more as a friend because that is what you want to do. When someone is a good person and will not harm us, you do not need to get rid of them as a friend.
Here are some ways you can limit it:
1. set up rules to how long in one day you will talk to him (maybe you normally talk an hour a day, try to limit it to 30 min or 15 min)
2. journal about what you like and don’t like in him, and compare it to what you like and don’t like in others. I think this may help you see him in a more realistic light. he sounds like a wonderful friend, but we all do have flaws.
3. journal about the type of loving relationship you want.
4. try to find friends at your local mosque, or join a club in a topic that interests you
If you see that you cannot limit it or this is becoming too difficult for you and is leading you to harm yourself in anyway, then I would cut off the friendship. At that point, that is the right decision for you to make.
Dee, I make dua that inshAllah, you will find a beautiful and fulfilling love in your heart and that Allah blesses you with more than you can ever imagine.
Pure Light
As salaamu alaikum Dee,
I pray Allah truly blesses and elevate you for the strength you have found and use for yourself and peace of mind. I know how loneliness can make any situation more intense. Our concern becomes the thing that fills our mind all the time. But, when I realized that I was causing myself more stress avoiding people, I mean not looking at all the other things I have to share and offer to humanity as a whole, and what growth and experiences I may get from others. I realize my emotional self was powerful and I can intensify or soothe it by my thoughts. Making life more about a bigger picture. I’m not saying it will change your feeling about who you are attracted to but you may find a balance in how intense it gets for you over time. Overall we are created as loving beings and can have love for every body, no matter what gender. Keep peace in your heart and be gentle with yourself. Your compassion appears to be amazing. May Allah guide and protect you, us/ Amin
Your Sister