Don’t have any friends
Dear Fatima,
I’m a 19 year old girl. I want to make Allah my best friend so this Ramadan and even now i’m really striving to keep myself close to Him. However, I cannot stop thinking about how crazy my life is right now with zero friends.
First of all, my friends group that I have had since early childhood has now split up and I’m stuck in the middle with no partner in crime. Ya Allah, I wish I could at least call my sister my best friend but I can’t. There is 8 of us in total. 4 on one side that are really close and 4 on another side that are really close. I’m on the same side as my sister but I’m literally just part of a package. My sister has become super tight with one of the girls in the group and neither of them can stand me being around anymore. They act so fake around me and it hurts. Fatima, Allah says he doesn’t burden a soul with more than what it can bear but what if I honestly and truly can’t bear this, Allah keeps his word right, so then why am I stuck in such a situation? To be honest, this has been going on for years now so i should be used to it, people keep changing and I just have no control but for sure I can say that I will always be the one left with no one.
Those were all friends at the mosque. Now for college friends. I have only 2 “friends”. One of them never spends time with me because she is very tight with her high school friend. Usually when I ask her to hang out with me, I get either no response or a clear “no”. She tells me that we are friends but for me, a friend has to be there and spend time with you. It doesn’t mean that she can’t hang out with other friends but I should get time with her equally as well. The second friend I have is also friends with my first friend so technically we are a group of three. However, she always has excuses so we don’t hang out much. When we do, i’m always the one bringing her gifts, giving her rides, and going to her house. She never ever does any of that in return for me :'(
Finally, I’m really concerned about my relationship with someone in my family. She is close to my age and she knows about everything i’m going through as written in the second and third paragraph but Fatima, she does not talk to me on weekdays and I get extremely lonely. I have started crying myself to sleep. I feel empty and I don’t know what to do
Please help me everyone, I really need all of your duaas and support. I need a savior so I never go near ending my own life for this.
Salaam,
I can relate to your feelings of loneliness. You are at a crucial point in your age where you are stepping out of teen years and getting into adulthood. I get that you are wanting good company in the form of friends. We humans are social creatures and do not thrive in solitude. However I think you might be assessing and re-evaluating what it means to be friends with someone. You are attempting to identify what is important and necessary to becoming someone’s friend and make that relationship last a long time. But that is okay and it is quite normal at your age. You are in the process of developing your identity and personality. Yes, this time is definitely confusing, overwhelming and sometimes lonely but it is normal.
You have to understand one thing, people change ALL the time. Friendships change. Friends change. WE change! You are experiencing a change as well. What my recommendation would be to find an activity that you have always wanted to do. For instance, an Art class, pottery, painting, cooking, etc. There you will meet like-minded people who are of your age as well.
I can also understand how you would be feeling lonely even with 8 siblings. As for your college friends, having two is better than having no friends at all. Sometimes our thoughts get the best of us. You have to learn to manage your thoughts and emotions. I would highly recommend that you seek professional help and since you are in college, there would be a counseling center where you can get the help you need. If you are struggling with wanting to hurt yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800-273-8255.
As a Muslim we believe that Allah SWT does not make mistakes, so you should not think that He created you as a mistake and is putting you through this for no reason. I know it is hard to accept and hold on to this sometimes. But know this that once this phase passes, and it WILL pass… you will be a stronger person. Therefore, please do not think about ending your life over this. You have your whole life ahead of you and who knows you might turn out to be someone important who contributes to a major change in this world. So don’t give up hope.
Take care,
Your sister in Islam,
Fatima “U”
qalb healer_25
Sister,
I know it must feel so painful and alone when left out. These feelings can be magnified during high school and college. Large groups of friends are very susceptible to being divided/ leaving one or more people out. Chances are someone might feel the way in your group. During high school and college, there can often be feelings of loneliness. But these friends may also show you loyal friends. One piece of advice I can offer, is to make friends outside of the group and find people that like you for you. The fatima above suggested partaking in your interest, which is a great idea. You can become occupied and busy that way, as well as meeting new people. At college, there are so many clubs, sports, and activities. Don’t be afraid to take risks and try something new, because it could lead to so much. But sometimes, we as people can get stuck on trying to find as many friends as possible. When instead, we should simply focus on getting to know ourselves and rejuvenate. Maybe try going out to eat by yourself, or start reading that book you have always wanted to read. Maintain a balance of solitude in no company as well as enjoying yourself with some friends. It can be beneficial to have a couple of close friends rather than a large group of distant friends. I wish you all the best, and I hope Allah will guide you towards people that will make you happy and a better person.
Sr. Amina
What you are experiencing is very common at your age for so many. So first off…know that your are NOT ALONE and that so many young adults experience this lonliness. I say this from my own experiences as a teenager who didn’t quite fit in and longed for a best friend. Your story is one of deep pain and the feeling is as if this time will never pass. But believe me…it will pass and you will persevere! It’s very easy for me to tell you to focus on Allah and pray and of course you should do that first. However, I know that doesn’t completely take away the problem, especially if you are working on a connection with your creator. At your age people are still developing a relationship with Allah. We are social creatures and want to be loved and accepted. But I will tell you that loving yourself and doing things for yourself will help immensely. Instead of going above and beyond for the two friends you have…go above and beyond for yourself. Find a hobby that makes you happy, go to the spa, help the needy, volunteer at the homeless shelter or habitat for humanity. Doing good for ones that you expect NOTHING in return from will help immensely. It’s natural to expect love and reciprocation from your friends and family, but doing things for strangers in need will help you feel better about yourself and it’s a pure feeling of delight when you know you made a difference with no strings attached. Go through the drive tru at a fast food restaurant and pay it forward by paying for the car behind you. I know you may be thinking how will this help with you making friends or you emptiness and lonliness. But believe me…it does help! It helped me so much. When I started giving to ones in need or did something for people without any expectation it boosted my love for myself. I started to feel confident. And I know you will too! The only way to find a friend who will love you and accept you, is to love and accept yourself first. Once people see your confidence and love for yourself, they will naturally gravitate towards you, inshallah! Another tip is to go to a movie alone….if you like then….I use to hate that because I was embarrassed but now I do it all the time because it boosts your confidence and helps one love their alone time. Go to the beach alone and look at the ocean and revel in the beauty around you. Doing things alone and working on loving that time helps you love yourself. Once you have that, friends will come inshallah. Beauty is confidence and love for oneself. I now have lots of friends and a few relationships that have lasted over 15 years Alhumdulillah! But it only came with trying to love myself and being confident or atleast showing confidence to those around me. I know you will overcome this. My Duas are with you and you ARE a strong and beautiful person!
The Olive Tree
Dear Sister,
I understand how you feel. I agree with Fatima. Friends change, people change. You said that you do things for your friends but they do not return the favor to you. In order for you to be happy, tell yourself that whatever you do for your friends is for the sake of earning the good pleasure of Allah. When you think like this then you are not looking for a reward from your friends, you are looking for a reward from Allah. A reward from your friends does not mean a gift from your friend. If your friend calls you on the weekends and spends time with you then you can consider that to be a reward from your friend. It is
an emotional reward, not a physical reward that you are seeking.
If your friend is not responding to you in a way that you would like for them to respond then there are a few things that you can do.
Firstly, you must be patient. Have Sabr. Patience is about undergoing a hardship and still being in a pleasant mood.
Secondly, don’t look for a reward from your friends. In other words, don’t seek their approval and do not wait for them to reciprocate the favor that you did for them. Whatever that you did for them was for earning the good pleasure of Allah, so it does not matter how they respond to you because you have a higher purpose in life.
Thirdly, make new friends. Volunteer at an organization and meet new people. Helping others for the sake of Allah will make you feel good.
Fourthly, focus on your studies and spend time reading. Like this you will not have time to ponder about your friends.
Fifthly, read a few verses of the Quran everyday with the translation. This will help you to feel good in a spiritual way.
Sister, you are young and you have a lot of potential. Your whole life is ahead of you. Stay blessed.
Sincerely,
The Olive Tree