Is it spiritual rejuvenation that I’m craving?
Aa Fatima,
I’m not sure why I decided to post here.. I’ve been on this site countless of times and even leave comments from time to time. But I’ve never shared anything of my own. I’m a 23 year old hijabi who will be graduating from college this year, and soon to be married as well. I work part-time, and I volunteer when I can. My family is great, my friends circle is the same one I’ve grown up with as a kid, and I could not have asked for a better fiance, alhumdulillah.
Even with all that though, I feel empty. I can’t find it in me to get my work done on most days. I lack motivation. I struggled with depression for years before I was finally able to re-organize my life and tell myself that I was living for the happiness and ease of my parents–doing things the way they wanted me to do it. I know what it expected of me. I know that I believe in the oneness of Allah SWT and our beloved Prophet SAW. But I struggle to pray. I have full faith in all the seven articles of faith. Yet, I sometimes just don’t want to do it anymore. I love my family, but they drain me. I have close friends, but most times it feels like they don’t really care about me and just keep me around because they’re used to having me around. I don’t feel valued much anywhere in my life, except for in the immediate family’s, and family to-be’s.
What do I need? What can I do to love the blessing of life, love, family, and friends that I have? How can I re-motivate myself? Why is it such a struggle for me to find the energy to do what makes me happy. I’m just so, so tired all the time. I just want to rest.
Sincerely,
Need Clarity
Dear Need clarity,
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
Imaan has a way of constantly shifting and requires us to tend to it. That means tending to our hearts like they are gardens, where things that we’ve planted and things that creep in both try to grow.
If we are not regular about doing things to care for our imaan and help it grow, then we leave out hearts open to the weeds of hopelessness, despair, loneliness, etc., grow and start to strangle our imaan.
If you’ve struggled with depression in the past, the pathways in your brain that support negative thoughts are likely well-traveled. So it’s easy to fall back into those thoughts and get stuck there.
So if you are finding yourself feeling distant from Allah, sometimes it’s a sign you need to examine your life and your habits. Are you going through a difficulty that makes you feel vulnerable and perhaps hurt that you cannot feel the help of Allah in it? Are you keeping up with your prayers or reading about Islam so that you can feel a bigger connection to it? Are you hanging out with friends that remind you of Allah by their actions and their words? Are you spending time each day weeding out the negative thought patterns that put more distance between you and Allah?
These questions are just the tip of the iceberg as you explore the garden of your heart. Spend time getting to know it, where it’s fertile for growth and where it’s prone to weeds.
If your garden is very overgrown then it might be time to consult a landscaper (a mental health savvy Imaam or a spiritually savvy counselor) and figure out where to start and how to move forward with the lanscaping.
Wa ‘alaykum salam,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “Z”
ypkhan2000
Asalamoalaikum ( ASAK ) Sister ” Need Clarity”,
Thankyou for posting your message ” Is it spiritual rejuvenation that I am craving ? ”
I noticed that you said that you are ” living for the happiness and ease of your parents and doing things the way they want you to do it “.
I believe that the problem lies in this statement. Although it is a good thing to be kind to your parents but the purpose of your life is something else. Allah says in the Quran (paraphrasing), ” Obey Me and be kind to your parents “. Being a Muslim, the purpose of our life is to worship Allah. The word “worship” is not limited to our Salah. It encompasses everything that we do 24 hours a day. Before we do anything, we should seek the pleasure of Allah and do it to please Him. Being kind to our parents is just one of the things that we do in our life. This is not the purpose of our life.
Recently I found a nice website which has the word by word translation of the Quran in English. After Fajr salah, try to read one section ( ruku ) daily. A section is comprised of a few ayats, so it will not take much time to read. This is the website:
http://understandquran.com/resources/translations/english.html
Read a page of Tafsir Ibn Kathir daily. You can download the PDF from this website:
http://www.islamwb.com/quran/tafsir-ibn-kathir-english-translation
I also noticed that you said that your friends circle is the same that you grew up with as a kid. Keep your old friends but also make new friends. Have you been to the Turkish Center in Houston ? Nowadays they have tarawee prayers. Go there and meet new people. Every Saturday they have a ” Social Day” from 2pm to 6pm. Try to attend the social day. The address of the Turkish Center is :
9301 W.Bellfort Ave.
Houston , TX 77031
Regards,
Your brother in Islam
Shireen
Salaam,
I agree with the above sentiments. I like to remember that anything good I do for my family is a blessing for me. I also think it’s important to make time for yourself and a good conversation with a close friend always cheers me up. If you’ve struggled with depression before it’s always a good idea to talk to your doctor. May Allah fill you with peace. Ameen
Pure Light
As salaamu alaikum Need Clarity,
I so appreciate your post. I too used to do everything with my family in mind. I began to feel empty as well and worthless. But one day I decided to look at the life I was truly living. I began a commitment to journal everyday for one year. This way I would look back and see what I was actually doing in my days and maybe find my worth. I admit I haven’t read it all back yet but it made me feel good and appreciate that I feel I have been chosen by Allah (swa) to do things for others in a way only can. That my waking had a purpose even if I couldn’t see it or feel appreciated for it. I took the time to look at the creation daily. I mean really look at it./ Stop and hug a tree, smell the flowers, feel the sun on my face and hear my voice and the vibration it made inside me when I prayed to our Creator. I began to see the day as an opportunity to see something I had been looking at in a different way. A gift just for me. I even went as far as to have a hug fest with myself and tell myself “I’ll Always Love You”. I still have days where I believe I may feel depression, but I allow myself to appreciate the quite moments instead of feel sad about having them. So with that I say, smile my beloved sister. Allah loves you, I need you, Someone is waiting for you to grace them with the care only you can provide. Nelson Mandela said, “… We were born to make manifest the glory of God (Allah) that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” So shine your light sister, even if it is in the colors of the rainbow at times.
Hold tight to the rope of Allah,
Your Sister in Islam
ebaig
Salam Sister,
I’m so glad you decided to post here. Sometimes everything in life may seem perfect, but our nafs is lacking the connection to Allah that we crave naturally. Alhamdulillah you are blessed to have the opportunity to go to college, volunteer, work, and even get married. I know sometimes it may be difficult to pray 5x a day and circulate your life around doing everything perfectly. But life is seemingly balanced, and our religion helps us be balanced.
Prayer is a form of meditation according to a lot of western practices, people go as far to compare it to Yoga at times. When you pray, your mind achieves this inner peace, that we usually do not achieve due to the stress of life. Feeling distant is normal, sometimes we need to focus on ourselves, and therefore we withdraw from others. It is human nature to feel that way.
I agree that you need “you” time, focus on yourself more, you will always have your immediate family members, friends, and fiancee inshaAllah. What you need is some space and inner peace. You should respect your parents, and definitely always keep them happy. But at the same time, do not lose yourself. You have the full right to do things that make YOU happy as well. You should always live with purpose. Start by praying more, keep up with your Salah, and I promise it will make a huge difference. Speaking to Allah helps you unburden so much from your soul. You need to value yourself at the end of it all. You sound like an amazingly, well-rounded person, and I think that if a stranger like me can value you, then the people who you have been around forever surely value you. There is a book I want to recommend to you. You have probably heard about it, but it is called Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed. It is truly a treasure, and I am sure it will help you find yourself. You will be in my Duas, may Allah make it easy on you.We all feel lost at times, but Alhamdulillah it is our Iman that we always find our way back to Allah.
Your Sister in Islam
FD18
Bismillah,
I would like to add a few things:
1. Do something fun for yourself. If you have a hobby cultivate that, but if you don’t then take classes/do activities and do things until you find something you love. Everything you describe above are things you do for others, don’t forget yourself. P.S. TV doesn’t count. Doing something fun, will give you a mental break from life. I personally go to painting classes to give me that break.
2. In terms of religion, read books on the religion – like Seerah Books or Tafsir or an English version of the Quran and ponder on it.
3. Talk to Allah. When I “go to sleep”, it’s really code for I’m retiring for the night and I’m going to go talk to Allah for a while. I talk to Allah like my best friend. I speak in my own language (not out loud, but in my head to Allah). I empty out all of my fears, worries, bad things that happened that day, good things that happened that day, what my hope and dreams are, what I hope the next day will look like, etc. It’s a very good way to build that best friend relationship to Allah and feel more fulfilled.
-Be Merciful to Yourself!
HA18
Salaam sister!
I just wanted to say that you are such a fighter mA. I hear what you’re saying about all these things going on in your life, and in my (non-professional) opinion, it sounds to me like you are simply drained.
You are graduating…you work part time…you’re volunteering…AND you are getting married soon iA. Alhamdullilah, these are all obviously very wonderful things to happen in one’s life, but they are a lot of change. This is not to say you should “complain” about it because I know you are not, but I think you may just have a lot going on but your mind has not been able to keep up. You haven’t given yourself a chance to process, and this lack of processing and letting yourself react and feel all the emotions and situations that are part of you life is overwhelming. It may be easier right now to just feel numb. Feeling numb has a lot of effects. It is not surprising for you to feel distant from family and friends. What I am saying is that this feeling of distance may not be stemming from something “real” (i.e., someone is purposefully shutting you out) but is stemming from how your mind is working/coping right now.
The best thing I can say to you is to give yourself some time. You need “you” time. You need to just take a breath from time to time and go through what is happening, and how do you feel about it. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of changes in a short period of time, even though you may think this is nothing and you can handle it. With time, and with patience and focusing on yourself, you can feel yourself digesting emotions and realizing consequences of some choices that you may not have ever realized. You will feel better when you travel the garden of your heart, as Fatima so eloquently put. Try to do things such as going in sujood after prayer (even if your prayer was very low “quality”) and just thinking and talking to Allah. One of the best ways – journaling. If not every day, try to write some thoughts down as if you were writing a letter to a friend, on just how your day was, what’s been going on in life, etc. If the fiancé has proven himself worthy to listen, then sit with him and talk to him about how you’ve been feeling too.
Another thing that may help is discovering your personality type. This can give insights as to what things energize and drain you. I recommend you look for a Myers Briggs personality type indicator test online and take it.
Anonymous
Salaam sweet sister,
I’m so glad you decided to submit a post here. In certain ways, your post reminded me much of how I used to feel for years (having struggled through depression for years and even taking meds, losing my real connection with Allah, living up to everyone’s expectations, etc). Eventually I realized that there were actually deeper issues that I was in denial of. Once I came to acknowledge these things, I was able to work through them and have been living a truly fulfilling life since then alhamdulillah!!
You mentioned you’re living for the ease and happiness of your parents. Of course this is commendable, but hasn’t Allah created each of us as individuals with our own purpose in life? Until we see ourselves as distinct individuals, how can we find our true potential which Allah has intended for us? Islam, rightfully so, emphasizes respect and kindness and ihsaan (excellence) towards our parents, but from my understanding, nowhere does it say that we are supposed to live our lives FOR them.
Doesn’t the hadith say “Play with your child for seven years, then discipline him for seven years, then be his friend for seven years, then give him free rein?” Didn’t Allah give us the examples of the Prophets, like Prophet Muhammad, who ventured his own way towards Islam even though his Uncle Abu Talib (who was like his father and truly treated him like his own son) didn’t believe. Alhamdulillah, Allah gave us the example where the Prophet still truly respected and loved Abu Talik and treated him with such kindness, and alhamdulillah, Allah also gave us the example of Abu Talib, who, as a healthy parent, allowed his nephew/son to explore and venture towards his own understanding once he was an adult, even though it was completely different from his own beliefs?
I understand you and your parents may not necessarily have different beliefs in religion or otherwise, but the point is that in the healthy hadith and example that Allah gave us, he shows that he has created each of us as distinct individuals to know Allah and try and understand what special potential and life He specifically intended for each of us as individuals, as a part of society as a whole.
I pray that inshaAllah, as you begin to explore your own sense of self, identify and begin to nurture your own potential that Allah specifically and specially has placed within you, and chart your life always growing Allah’s light and potential within yourself, you will truly begin and continue finding the amazing beauty and fulfillment in the life Allah has blessed you with!!
Your sister in Islam!
PS I’m so happy to hear you have an amazing fiance because having that support from your spouse to love and respect you for the woman you are will inshaAllah help you become more of the amazing woman, inshaAllah wife, inshaAllah mother, and contribution to society that Allah has deemed for you. May Allah bless you with mawadah wa rahma (love and mercy) towards each other and make you the coolness and comfort of one another’s eye and make you and your family leaders of the Allah conscious (these are some of my favorite duas from the Quran regarding marriage) 🙂