Senior prom

I an 18 and male. Okay so senior prom is coming up, and I really am tempted to ask this muslim girl I like. I’ve known her for 3 years and I feel that we’ve developed a really good friendship.  The knly thing about asking her to prom is Im pretty sure its against Islam and my parents would probably get mad. I really like this girl a lot, not kidding at all here and a lot of my other friends are telling me I should ask her becuase our paths may never meet again after high school. I know this sounds very dramatic, but I would like some advice as I am truly unsure of what to do. Thank you

As Salaam Alaykum

I think the most important question to ask yourself is where are you in terms of your alignment with your parents’ values, the values of the culture that the prom is a part of, and Islamic values. Some of that may be very subjective and difficult to sort out, but I think it’s worth the effort to reflect on your position. 

It sounds like you are saying that you’re parents getting mad and the notion of prom being against Islam are connected. Perhaps they are in some ways, but not all. I would imagine that if you’re parents were to get mad at the idea of you going to prom, it would not necessarily be prom in and of itself that they would be against, but the other things associated with prom and the notions of what situations that it would present. In terms of Islam; as far as I know there is no specific stance on prom per se. Generally speaking in Islamic teachings and wisdom we are encouraged to be cautious when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex outside of marriage. It is mostly about guarding ourselves from falling into actions driven by lower drives and giving into to our nafs which can lead to engaging in haram things. The part of this that most likely relates to prom is the possible assumption that you would be alone with this girl and perhaps tempted to cross some of the limits set by Islam in terms of pre-marital relations. Additionally, prom is often associated with other haram behavior such as drinking. 

In addition to protecting against temptation to engage in haram behavior, the notion of being cautious in our interactions with members of the opposite sex is to protect our innocence and preserve the potential sacred connection that can be established by connecting with someone for reasons of spirituality and taqwa (consciousness of Allah). The wisdom in this is to allow one another to see each other in a more pure way and to approach intimate relationships as sacred and for the sake of Allah. As human beings we naturally have physical desire and urges that incline us toward the opposite sex for reasons other than getting closer to Allah. So by removing that temptation we can set ourselves up for more successful and healthy relationships that are grounded in longer lasting and pure intentions.

While prom is generally associated with things that could potentially be or lead to haram behavior, it is not necessary to approach it that way. It could be possible to approach the idea of taking this girl to prom from within a context that honors the values of Islam and thus your parents values as well. And hopefully your own values come into play in there in which you can understand why you would approach it this way and align yourself with such a decision. 

While culturally speaking many Islamic marriages happen without the bride and groom ever meeting or getting to know each other, this is not necessarily how Islam prescribes the pre-marital process. There is wisdom in assessing whether the two people are compatible before hand and in order to do that they must have some sort of interaction. We have learned from our Prophet, peace be upon him, that the most important quality to look for in a potential spouse is taqwa. But in addition to that we are also encouraged to pay attention to family and other compatibility as well as physical attraction. These things can be assessed by the two people interacting with each other as long as there are limits in place to sufficiently protect their innocence by guarding against temptation and indulgence. Most importantly would be to have a at least one other person present at all times throughout your interaction. So, if your intention is truly to make a connection with this girl with the idea that perhaps you may have a future together, then I think it is possible to approach it in a way that honors that intention.

Many people go to prom in groups, so it is not out of the ordinary to envision and arrange a prom evening where you are not alone with your date. And you could take other steps to protect both of you and honor the values of Islam. The important thing here would be for all people involved, including your parents, to be on board with this. Perhaps you could come up with a plan and present it to your parents as well as the girl and see what they think. The way some people may do prom doesn’t have to dictate how you do it. Islamic values are adaptable to modern life, it just takes an effort on our part to prioritize them and the courage and resolve to act on them.

Sincerely,
Your brother in Islam,
Fatima “Y”