Torturous feelings

Torturous feelings

Assalamualaykum

Dear Fatima,

I am the girl who posted last 2 years here in “Against Nature”.

For quite some times I live peacefully without having romantic feelings to the same gender… I try so hard to avoid it but it happen again. I swear I don’t expect this and I don’t intend it to happen. This is killing me… I really don’t know what to do… Please make du’a for me… I try hardest not to make mistakes that I did before. This feeling is torturous. Loving someone and knowing it is wrong and cursed.

Dear Fatima… Is it wrong if I always think about that person? I can’t help it really. I am afraid of the wrath of Allah… I love Allah… I know this is my trial. I have to deal with this… I really hope she is the last person. She is a good girl and I won’t ever tarnish this friendship because of my own flaws and defect. I will never drag her to Jahannam because of me. She deserves all the good things in life and not to be drawn in my issues.

what should I do… I really don’t have any desire for marriage. I can’t love man like I do with woman. That’s it. Enough is enough. I used to beat myself up because of that, but now I accept it as part of me. It’s a war inside and I already make peace with myself.

I am sorry I bring this up again…I need advises… and I just need to let things inside my chest out. I really don’t have anyone to talk to.. I can’t share my issue with anyone, not to friends let alone my family. No one will ever understand what I go through.  🙁

It is a fitrah to be in love. But not in my case, isn’t it?

Assalamu ‘alaykum,

Reading your post is a great reminder about how each of us has to find our own way to peace. I am glad that some of what you are struggling with feels a bit easier than when you posted before.

You also bring up another great point: Everyone has to find a place for their nurturing, a place to love and be loved, to take care of and be taken care of. Many people struggle with that because they can’t find a partner or the partner they are attracted to is off limits in some way. If you choose to live according to the principles you outlined, you will have to find a spot for the love you have to give. It might be through tutoring or volunteering or something else. However, when we find outlets to be part of meaningful social relationships the loneliness of not having the life partner we wish for becomes a bit easier to bear. But if you are only conscious of what you don’t have and that becomes the focus of your life, then each moment feels longer, heavier, and more unbearable.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t process your sadness and anger and frustration – just allow yourself to be more than your sadness, anger, and frustration.

And Allah knows best.

Sincerely, 

“Fatima Z”

4 thoughts on “Torturous feelings”

  1. HA18

    Salaam sister, this is a really tough situation for sure, and as Fatima Z said, you are allowed to feel frustration. I think in addition to finding an outlet, you should also try to look for communities of Muslims who may be going through the same thing. Besides obviously maintaining your relationship with Allah which is above everything else and continuously working on yourself, if you can find someone who can understand what you’re going through it will help deal with the emotions. It is noble and good of you to not want to get the other girl involved. Please continue to post as you have been to have an additional outlet for the struggles you’re going through. Sending you lots of love, duas, ad peace!

  2. Anonymous

    Thank you Fatima Z…
    Honestly I can’t see any way out…
    Maybe the only thing i can do is to keep on enduring…
    It become harder when I start to blame myself… that I can’t even handle things like this.
    And why some people are so strong, but not me…
    Ya Rabb make it easy for me. I really don’t know how to live like this for the rest of my life.

  3. Anonymous

    As Salaam Alaikum Dear Sister,
    I am very sorry you are going through difficult time. I think its really important to note: Allah says in the Qur’an, “And Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear” 2:286. So while this might feel like darkness that you can’t see the light through, know that Allah has your back. He will will always have your back.
    So I want to make sure you understand, the fact that you have these feelings doesn’t make you a bad person or even a bad Muslim. The urge, in and of itself, is not sinful. It is simply a desire, and desires are beyond our control, hence we are not accountable for them. It is only a problem when we act on these desires and stop controlling them. We allow our Nafs get the better of us. Perhaps you want to try and find other outlets such as volunteering your time at a local shelter or the elderly. You might also want to consider new activities such as exercising, zumba classes, or painting. Do not stop talking with your Lord. “Call upon Me, I will answer you” 40:60. I strongly advise you to seek help from a Muslim therapist in your area, someone who will understand your situation. Put your trust in Allah and continue making du’a to Him, and I pray that Allah makes your situation easy for you and blesses you in this life and the next.