Thinking so hard about it that it hurts
Dear Fatima,
I’m an 18 year old girl. I have posted before i’m still struggling with my cousin. She is 4 years older, came to the country a year ago from India. She keeps telling me to set boundaries and so we have; for the sake of damage control. I don’t text her/call when she is not here and she comes every few weekends so thats okay for me. But still, we are so distant from each other and she keeps saying we are not and I’m just taking it too personally. See the issue is, she tells me we can never ever be friends because we are in 2 different phases in our life. She says I like to talk a lot and she doesn’t. And she thinks that if I continue to hold with these damage control boundaries we can become better cousins, not friends. She keeps telling me its not my fault we don’t have such a good time together because we are different ages. Why does that have to be a barrier Fatima? i’m crying right now typing this because I don’t understand. I have had so many friends that are older than me and she just doesn’t want to accept that we can ever be anything more than cousins. I would even be fine becoming a better cousin/little sister to her; I don’t need the friend label. But what really bothers me is that, that is the very label that is the reason why we don’t laugh as much together. Whenever I hear her talking to her friends that are in India, I hear nothing but her constantly laughing with them. I rarely find that in my interactions with her and its really bothering me because I care about our relationship so much… Please Fatima, tell me what I can do, how can I make it so that even if this label of being friends doesn’t exist between us, we still have good times together and laugh more? my heart is really aching :'(
As Salaam Alaikum,
I am sorry you are going through a very difficult time. I can understand how it feels when you have put more emotions into a relationship then the other person but I think your cousin is sending you a very straightforward message: She wants boundaries. Although, I do not agree that your cousins cannot be your friends, because some of my best friends are my cousins, she currently does not see that this is possible between you. And that is ok. You cannot force her to be more present in this relationship than she wants to be. What you can do is step back. Take a look at what you really miss about the friendship and see if you can invest that time and energy in other activities.
Here are a few things you can do to help:
1. Find a therapist or counselor. Often times you can talk to your primary care doctor to get a referral or you can reach out to your school therapist and ask for help. Therapists are a great resource that can help you see things with more clarity. They can help you see what the issues are and how you can help yourself feel better about life.
2. Find other friends. You are right – age should not be a factor. Make new friends that have the same interests as you. One way you can do this is through clubs at school. If you are in college join a club of your ethnicity or the MSA – whatever it is it will help you make new friends and distract you from these negative emotions.
3. Pray. Pray to God – praying always bring clarity. In addition to salat, sit by yourself, without a device or distraction, for a few minutes. Look inside. Notice your thoughts as they come up. Get to know your mind. See how fascinating it is. This in itself is an endless source of entertainment and learning.
4. Paint, exercise, get creative – any of these things will help you redirect your negative emotions and help produce new happy endorphins that will help you see that you are a great person, with a big heart.
Do not rely on others to find your happiness – those good times you may have had can be of good memories. Now you can make new ones with new people. And maybe inshaAllah in the future when your paths are headed the same way you can become friends again.
For now give those suggestions a try. May Allah ease your pain.
Your sister in Islam,
Fatima “X”
sq
Salaams,
I wanted to take a moment to offer a few words of reflection after reading your Dear Fatima post and the responses/comments from Fatima X and HA18…
I really agree with a lot of what HA18 said, especially the fact that your worth is not defined by others. I know it feels pretty awful when you try to invest in a relationship and the other person does not want to reciprocate. That can definitely make a person feel bad about themselves. However, if I am to be honest, it doesn’t sound like your cousin is worth you feeling bad about yourself. While I can definitely agree that setting boundaries in any relationship is important, her logic as to why you two can’t be friends/close seems a bit flawed. As unfortunate as it is, sometimes in life we come across people who are toxic for us – sometimes these are friends, acquaintances, and even family members. When someone knowingly makes you feel bad, and in this case it sounds like your cousin knows you feel bad, and they still continue with their behavior, than I believe that person is not someone worth my time and energy. Just like HA18 said, sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with anything you have done, and I would say, it may even be a reflection of that person. I don’t necessarily mean a bad reflection either. Perhaps your cousin has had experiences in the past that have led her to set these boundaries, and it has nothing to do with you or your personality.
My take home would be for you to remember that nobody gets to determine your worth except yourself. This is something very difficult to remember because we all look to others for affirmation. And while it is important to have self-awareness, you need to remember that happiness is not defined by who likes you or how many people like you, but rather how you feel about yourself. I really suggest you try #4 in Fatima’s list of suggestions – painting, exercising, and being creative really help calm your inner turmoil and in turn help you feel better about yourself.
Take care my dear and I truly pray that the situation and how you are feeling towards it has improved since you posted.
🙂
HA18
Salaam sweetie! I am sorry you are feeling this way and going through this. It sounds like you really love your cousin (and people in general) and you really value your relationship with her (and probably your relationships with most everyone). It sounds like you are not getting those feelings reciprocated from her. It’s great you are respecting the boundaries she has set, but it also sounds like you are confused as to why she even wants to set boundaries with you. After all, you are probably really nice to her and you have other friends and everything is great. It sounds like the complaint she has with you is that you “talk too much” “cousins cant be friends” which sound like a pretty lame excuses.
I understand that it hurts, especially when you feel like you’ve done nothing but love and respect her. It is wonderful that you are such a loving, sensitive, and kind person. It’s also natural to expect her to understand your love and kindness and it is also very natural to expect that it should be reciprocated.
It sounds like she is clearly not on the same page as you and there are two things that could possibly be bothering you. One is that you feel like you may have done something wrong, or that there is something wrong with you, which is why she is acting in this way with you. Another thing is that you feel like you’ve done everything just fine but just do not comprehend why she doesn’t get it. It could also be a combination. Either way, it’s confusing and that hurts you.
One thing that is important to realize is how different humans are…how they maintain their friendships, how they think about others, how they think about themselves. Your cousin very clearly does not think about her friendships and you the same way you think about your friendships and her. You may find that you are great with the vast majority of everyone you meet and are confused why you are not compatible with someone who is your family and who I am assuming you’ve done nothing “wrong” too based on her excuses. But that is the thing, you are allowed to accept that you know what…the way she feels about me is NOT a reflection of myself. She just doesn’t mesh with me, and that is OK. It does not mean that I have done something to her, or said something to make her hurt that is so unforgivable that she does not want to hang out with me. It is does NOT mean I am a bad person to her or someone who is unlikable. It is simply accepting the hard truth that there are people out there who may not like me when I have done nothing to them. You could be sitting in a crowded room and there may be someone there who doesn’t like you just for the sake of how you look or sound. That is not your problem, but theirs. If your cousin wants to limit the hanging out, it’s fine. She is not the only cousin or only friend in the sea. You do not need to define YOUR happiness or self-worth based on the love you receive from her no matter how much you admire her. You can love her less and still love her. You can love her the way you love people you see once in a while.
I hope this comment helps ease your pain a little bit my dear. I can promise you that relationships will get easier with time when you learn to recognize people more and learn more about yourself. You do not need to put the pressure on yourself to have everyone like you. In fact, the higher self-respect you have for yourself, the better you will be able to handle your relationships and the status you give people.
Sending you lots of love and duas!