Respecting and obeying parents
Dear Fatima,
I’m an 18 year old girl and feel like i’m a very bad person. I’m extremely sad right now because of this. My parents yell at me for something every single day. They are never happy with me and it reflects back on me, so i’m not happy with myself. Then as a result of all this, I’m not very grateful to Allah SWT. See, my parents yell at me for every SINGLE thing. Like they find a reason to be upset with me, such that if I tell them anything afterwards they won’t be happy for me. I’m sitting here hungry for some food right now. But no, my mom is living in her own world and wants to do everything at her own time. I tell her good news, and she is still making faces. I can’t do anything to make my parents happy. If I’m enjoying with friends, they will force me to come back early because of some reason they think of such as traffic. I still listen. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Fatima, they want anything in this world, and wallahi, I try. I try to give them my best but really, I swear, they ask too much of me at times. It is unbearable to live with such high expectations. I’m losing myself, I’m losing my Allah through this. Allah is always going to be at anger with me because my parents are. How can I live, how can I sleep at night knowing this fact that Allah isn’t at peace with me because my parents are not?
Please help me Fatima, i’m in a serious crisis.
I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your parents. First I’d like to let you know you are not a bad person. Sometimes, parents place a lot of responsibility on children – they want to build character, and teach children to be a good role model. There seems to be a large communication breakdown between you and your parents. You are growing up and its often difficult for parents to come to terms with it. Its difficult to find the right balance in maintaining a parental role to make sure they are still raising a wonderful child. In these situations its really important to be patient and maintain an open communication. Below are a few tips on how you can improve your relationship with your parents, followed by a few suggestions on how you can help yourself as well.
How you can talk to your parents about issues:
1. Identify the problem. Write the issue that you and your parents can’t seem to agree on.
2. Identify the feeling. Write a word that describes how your parents’ stand on the issue makes you feel—whether hurt, sad, embarrassed, distrusted, or other.
3. Think like a parent. Imagine that you have a teenager who is facing the same issue that you named in Step 1. Assuming the role of a parent, what would be your biggest concern, and why?
4. Reassess your problems. If you find that there might be something you can work on, do it.
5. Discuss the matter with your parents and brainstorm solutions. Get your thoughts together. Before you talk to your parents, take your list from step 1 removing the ones from step 4. You’ll feel more prepared when your thoughts are in order. (You can scratch through thoughts that may be hurtful or disrespectful). Be sensible and even-tempered. Suggest to your parents that you explain your concerns or needs first. Then ask if they can give their reaction without being critical or emotional. Keep your composure . Be cool. State your side logically, without being defensive.
Building a new relationship:
You are growing up and so now you can start thinking of activities you can do with your parents that will give them more insight to who you are as an independent teenager. Try volunteering together at a shelter or help with out at your local mosque. Take time out to talk to your parents about your parents. Ask them how they are doing, something about their lives.
Building yourself:
I can imagine you feel attacked and drained by the relationship you currently have but here are a few things you can do to help stay strong and keep yourself grounded:
1. Pray. Pray to God and ask for guidance. Also develop a relationship with God. Talk to him outside of prayer. “Whoever holds on tightly to Allah (swt) has held on to the best of handholds. Such a person will never feel lost, alone or scared.”
2. Be active. exercising can release happy endorphins into your brain and will help you maintain a positive attitude. Find new activities you can be active in like helping the homeless or elderly.
3. Meditate. Meditation helps one control their emotions better. It allows us to come into the moment before reacting with just emotions. Take 15 to 30 mins out of your day to just sit in quiet and not think about anything.
Remember you parents love you and they only want the best for you. They will slip up, say things they don’t mean, be critical, and have confusing emotions, just like you. Parents may also be offended when their views are challenged, especially if you catch them at a bad time (like when they are exhausted). Sure, you can feel upset with them. But keep in mind that they are your parents. They are there for you in good times and bad. Try the things about and Insha”Allah in time you will have a stronger relationship with them.
With love,
Fatima “SD”
Anonymous
Dear sister,
I’m so very sorry to hear about your struggles with your parents. It truly breaks my heart because I actually went through something very similar with mine for many years….torn between trying to do everything I could to be the best daughter, to please them and make them happy, but nothing I did, no matter what, nothing was good enough. And then I constantly struggled because Allah says to be kind to your parents, but oftentimes, I would be so hurt and upset that I would yell back at them, and then I would feel so horrible. And then everything in my life felt like it was going bad so I thought it was because Allah was upset with me because I got upset with my parents.
Dear sweet sister, I want you to know you are an amazing person and an amazing daughter!! I know that because if you weren’t, you wouldn’t have written this post expressing how much you care about pleasing your parents and pleasing Allah. I can’t emphasize this enough…Allah has brought you here because He wants you to know He loves you. Always remember the hadith, “Actions are by their intentions”, and your intentions are so pure towards your parents.
Don’t forget, you are a human being and many times you may react in ways that you don’t want to…that is an opportunity for growth…an opportunity to apologize to your parents and to Allah, and to forgive yourself because Allah forgives those who ask for forgiveness, so if He has forgiven you, then who are you not to forgive yourself? It is also an opportunity to grow closer to Allah and find security and strength in Him. Allah put His most beloved Prophet into so much difficulty and struggles, because He wanted to teach us through his example that whenever Allah presents us with difficulty, he wants us to become more secure in Him and closer to Him and stronger within ourselves.
And of course, in addition to growing closer to Allah, many practical things are also as important in healing and growth. It will likely be very beneficial to go to a counselor, preferably Muslim. It also helps to really focus on your own personal strength and growth. Often times when we don’t receive the love and security we would hope for from our parents, we feel we need love and attention from friends, etc. However, over the years I realized, no human being will ever be able to give us the love we need, and we will always be insecure until we truly learn to love ourselves and find strength in ourselves and find all of Allah’s love within our own selves. Yes, we are social beings, so yes, have friends and hang out and have fun (in ways that make you feel good about yourself…be careful not to do anything you will feel bad about later because that is shaytaan’s way of making you feel even worse about yourself)…but the point is, you and Allah should be your BEST friend…all other friends are great, but make yourself and Allah your BEST! 🙂
So if you are your own BEST friend, then what would you want in a best friend…someone who feels good about themselves, right? Someone who takes care of their health and well being, right? Maybe someone who works out and exercises so that their seratonin levels stay high and they stay happy from inside, despite the circumstances? Maybe someone who finds fun things to do, like painting or reading exciting novels or doing a marathon or anything that sounds interesting…
Just become the BEST friend to yourself that you would want to have for yourself…and watch your life turn around!! 🙂
Anonymous
After reading FeelTheHeal’s comment, I needed to comment this. You have the right as a mature woman to live alone in your own home before you marry. You have the right to never get married, or never have children at all, and live single for the rest of your life, in whatever country you choose. This is your life. NOBODY has the right to enforce this on you, “18 years old means, in another few years inshaAllah you will be married and in your own sanctuary. As a girl, your parents home is not your permanent home- it only your home until you are married.” This is just FeelTheHeal’s opinion. You can choose a completely different path in your life. You can choose to stay single for your entire life, and live alone, in a different country, away from your parents, if you can.
Until you are not financially independent, and you are living with your parents, try to communicate your feelings with them, and look at the situations that you face from their viewpoint. I would also suggest family therapy/counseling. A professional can really help, but you have to want it. When you earn enough money to be able to live on your own, do so if you want it. Have a plan, such as of where you are moving to, what apartment you are going to rent, what job you have found there, etc., and go. As respect to your parents, you should show them your plan, and let them know that you will be safe. They may be against you moving, and be upset with you that you left, but at least they won’t worry so much, knowing that you know where you are going, and what you want to do there.
HA18
salaam sister!
it sounds like you don’t feel trusted by your parents and you don’t particularly have feelings of trust and a sense of peace with them either. I really like “fatima”s suggestion where she asks you to think like a parent and also identify how you feel about the same topic. even parents who have AMAZING relationships with their kids have these kinds of problems. It sounds like you feel, based on their feedback, like you are not a good child and so you are making judgments on what they must think of you. An example in your post could be: I am feeling hungry, my mom is making dinner late when she must know i feel hungry, therefore she is doing it on purpose, therefore she doesn’t care about me, she mustn’t care about me because i did/did not do this this this. Another one could be: i am hanging out innocently with friends and we are having a great time, my parents want me home and make up a stupid excuse, they must want me home because they think i am not innocently hanging out with my friends and they must not want me to have fun, then you feel like you are not trustworthy/your parents dont ever want you to have fun/they dont care about how i feel, etc etc. In reality, your mom could be thinking oh crap i forgot to make dinner, i am so worried about such and such (not even thinking you probably are hungry). or your parents might be thinking that when you are hanging out with your friends you are not necessarily doing anything “bad”, but that they feel like you are not respecting their authority.
Fatima’s suggestion could help you not “talk past each other” like this. Our parents (religious, conservative culture) are all like this. it is not necessarily a bad thing because on one hand it shows how much they care and at the end of the day it can keep us out of some trouble as life goes on, but it can definitely be annoying and hurtful when we are not understanding each other.
Sometimes, you will need to make excuses for them, but sometimes they will also need to make excuses for you. I think if the communication and understanding of intentions improves, it will be easier to make excuses. for example, you could make an excuse for your mom and say you know, she probably is tired/has something on her mind and so she has put off dinner, i will be more patient and maybe just eat a small snack. to show understanding, you could even ask her if she needs any help setting the table or making a salad or something easy.
another example, you could explain the hanging out situation to your parents more and make them feel more involved up front. for example, you could say, mom dad, i want to go to so and so’s house after school. she is a good girl and we plan to stay at her house and just hang out. is it ok with you if i go? How long can I stay there? then do as they say. it might be unfair for a few times, but i think when you parents see you are involving them more they will feel a greater sense that their messages and authority have been understood by you and by their logic, that you are responsible enough.
i also understand that you feel very bad that they do get upset. it sounds like it is not your intention at all to make them feel so upset and you feel like they are upset to the point where god could shun you. you feel an immense amount of guilt and it is weighing you down and ruining your happiness. because you feel this way, you may be pointing the finger back at your parents that they want you to feel this way. my dear, our parents have an unconditional love for us. the fact that you feel this way means that god will not be upset with you. you are not doing anything on purpose and your intentions are good. it’s a matter of communication and fostering greater trust in each other and your relationship. if you haven’t told them how bad you feel when they are upset, how you never mean to make them upset, and how you are concerned about Allah swt being upset with you, i think it will be good to bring it up to them.
Ask Allah swt to help you and put understanding in your heart and in their hearts for how to best treat each other. All you want is a relationship with them centered around love and peace, and so ask Allah swt to show both you and your parents the best way to do that.
making dua for you! iA your relationship improves. I promise you as time and our experiences go on, things will get better.
FeelTheHeal
Hi Sweetheart,
Whether you are from India, Pakistan, or Middle East…a common trait the older generations (our parents) carry is that of dissatisfaction. Have you ever seen Zaid Ali’s videos? They brought the common household problem into light in a very funny way but I admire that guy for showing all of us how normal it is for parents to act the way they do. Ie: maybe we are NOT the only ones whose parents just don’t “get us”.
Firstly, I’m glad you wrote in…sometimes writing things out helps a lot. Secondly, if you are 18, and you are hungry…don’t sit there waiting on your mom to feed you. Get up and put something together for yourself. Be self sufficient and you will find less reasons to feel bitter towards your parents not doing enough.
Secondly, nobody is happily frowning…the way you described your parents makes me think they have something that makes them sad and dissatisfied. Do you think THEY’RE happy where they are? Probably not. They are probably hurting a lot more than you and they take it out in several wrong ways.
18 years old means, in another few years inshaAllah you will be married and in your own sanctuary. As a girl, your parents home is not your permanent home- it only your home until you are married. So my dear little sister, keep in mind when you go in your own home and have your own kids one day how you felt when your parents were not there for you or happy for you and make sure you are EVERYTHING you needed, for your own family.
Also, take this temporary time with your parents as test from Allah. If they are difficult, pray to Allah for sabr and keep returning their behavior with love, love and more love. Maybe somewhere between their hectic and busy lives they’ve forgotten about simple joys and love. You be that light…don’t give up. Because that light is not only going to save them, it is going to save you too.
Chin up buttercup. You got this. 🙂