Struggling with envy and materialism
Dear Fatima, I have a huge problem. I have been trying my best to keep busy with things. I have been trying to keep myself busy with anything I can from writing activities to signing up for volunteering position over this winter break. But the ONLY thing that keeps crossing my mind is how many indian clothes I have. I just came back from India and we got lots of new indian clothes. But my cousins got some too and so did my sister and so did everyone else I know. And now i’m jealous of everyone who got better outfits than me.
Here is the root problem, I ALWAYS want what others have. I’m never happy with what I have, and therefore, gratitude is there in my life but its very subtle. And I don’t like living like this, its extremely tiring being envious and wishing for other people’s clothes. Its also a silly thing to be envious of because its so materialistic. I don’t want to think so much about this, its sickening.
Fatima, i’m going crazy with this problem. It is on the verge of killing me and before it does, I need you to help me. Please tell me, what can I do to solve this issue? What can I do to get myself away from these crazy thoughts and desires that have started controlling me? I need the control back but I have lost the keys, and I’m afraid they are off too far for me to reach. Please help me ASAP, i’m dying Fatima, i’m dying living like this.
As Salaam Alaikum Dear Sister,
I am so sorry you are going through some difficult times and emotions. Hasad or envy and jealousy are some of the most difficult things to control but they are certainly controllable. Envy can be like a tiny shatan (devil) on your shoulder that whisper waswas (negative words) into your ear, gnashes at your soul and can fill your life with much negativity. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can at least minimize it in your life, so that you can spend your time in a lighter and happier space.
Focusing your mind on what others have that you don’t or better than what you have can really screw with your thoughts, feelings and life. It can cause much stronger negative emotions than is really reasonable. And it gets you really stuck in the envy, intensifying it, making it stronger and more long-lasting by feeding it with more thoughts and emotional energy. You can develop an abundance mentality, and here are a few things you can do to help you do so:
1. Focus on yourself when it comes to comparing.
Comparing what you have to what others have is a good way to make yourself miserable. It feeds your nafs (ego) when you buy nice clothes or get a better job than someone else. You feel great for a while. But this mindset and the focus on comparing always winds up in you noticing someone that has more than you. That someone has even better clothes than you. And so you don’t feel so good anymore. The thing is that there is always someone with better or more than you. So you can never “win”. You just feel good for a while and then you don’t.
Try to compare yourself to yourself. Look at how you have grown and what you have achieved. Appreciate what you have done and what you have, what Allah has blessed you with. See how far you have come and what you are planning to do. This will make you make you more positive and emotionally stable since you are no longer comparing and feeling envious of what the other person has that you don’t.
2. Form a personal relationship with Allah.
When these feelings come up start talking to God. Express your emotions out loud or write them down. No need to go into prayer to have a relationship with Allah – he hears you. This will all you to bring yourself back into the moment and realize that you don’t need to compare.
3. Find new opportunities.
Whether it be at school or work, or in your social life keep your focus steadily on the opportunities, on the new chances, on what you can learn from your failures as best you can instead of confining your mind and your life.
4. Keep yourself occupied.
Find new activities that will keep you busy and away from thoughts that are associated with the duniya. Reach out to homeless shelters for volunteer opportunities, stick around the elderly or children as they bring peace and ease to ones mind.
5. Pray.
In addition to number two pray to God for guidance in controlling these emotions. “Call on Me; I will answer you” 40:60. Keeping up with your prayers will help bring ease to your mind and heart. Sitting every day, for at least 15-30 minutes, makes a huge difference in how you approach life, how personally you take things and how you interact with others. It enhances compassion, allows you to see things more clearly (including yourself) and creates a sense of calm and centeredness that is indescribable. Like exercising, prayer and meditation release happy endorphins into the brain and help center you into the moment, giving you more time to consider your reactions.
In addition to these 5 suggestions, I would also recommend you reach out to a therapist in your area. Talking to a trained professional in person can often bring a lot of peace and other insight on how to deal with your emotions.
I pray that you find peace and that your pains are eased.
With love,
Fatima “SD”
HA18
Salaam sweetie,
I wanted to just say that the advice given by “Fatima” and by “FeelTheHeal” is great advice. But I also want to just add that envy is an extremely strong emotion. i think that you recognize how powerful it is in your life and that you do not like it is there. it is also really hard to get rid of. I am not saying this to bring you down, or make you feel like it is not possible to defeat, but to make you stronger and wiser about defeating it.
for example, you may be able to control it once, but the next time it will come and you will feel it stronger and maybe even feel like giving up. this is a strong emotion, and to defeat it, it will take continuous failure before you end up on an upward slope to conquering it. So please be realistic about how you want to handle it…it’s ok to fail sometimes when jealousy comes…but as long as you have the overall mindset of wanting to defeat it.
There are also some mental exercises you could do that iA will help. for example, say you are wearing a purple dress and you absolutely love it and you tell yourself that you are looking like the bomb dot com right now. then you see your sister/friend/cousin is wearing also a purple dress. this purple dress might even have more work done on it, or for another reason you may think hers is better than yours. Immediately take the step to recognize that this is jealousy. tell yourself…this is jealousy, and i don’t deserve this ugly emotion in my beautiful heart. then, tell yourself that i love my purple dress and i think i look beautiful in it. i also love her purple dress and i think she also looks beautiful in it. there are plenty of beautiful people and beautiful dresses in the world, this is not a competition. if i think she is more beautiful than i am in her dress, then there is surely someone more beautiful than she is. i am HAPPY for her that she looks beautiful in that dress and that her dress is so beautiful, mashallah.
you may not sincerely feel all those emotions, but changing this in your heart will require repeating this mindset. eventually, with time, you will see that you know what…if my cousin has dress, or my sister has this dress, who cares, at the wedding/event/whatever there were other people who also were wearing beautiful dresses, some even more beautiful. i am happy that i look beautiful and that my cousin/sister/friend looks beautiful, too.
we feel jealous because we are AFRAID of not having the best. call it insecurity, call it low self confidence, call it whatever you want, but it is the truth about us whenever we feel jealousy. you must create the mindset that there is nothing to fear about not having the best, it is unfair to place that impossible expectation on myself/my heart, and actually, other people are allowed to deserve better things than me. that is truly loving yourself, your brother/sister, and wanting for them what you want for yourself. it is a great sense of purity and peace.
hoping iA you can achieve that. making dua for you and sending love your way!
FeelTheHeal
Hi Sweetheart,
So you wanna know a little secret? EVERYONE I have ever known, and I know a lot of people, everyone suffers from some form of jealousy. It’s an incredibly natural emotion. So don’t beat yourself up for feeling it. But let’s discuss a little on how to overcome it.
The fact that you recognize you are too jealous is a good thing. Some people don’t even notice this painful trait. I read a quote a long time ago which opened my eyes up to this problem I once suffered too, it said “if you and all those you know, threw their troubles into a pile- you would rush to pick yours back up upon seeing what the others threw”.
Yin Yang…balance…life…it will make sense to you a lot more once you are older, but for now understand this much: you and every soul on this planet is given an equal amount of happiness and equal amount of pain. You want what others have because they seem so happy? They’re not happy because of what they have…they are happy because they FOCUS on what’s their own. Your happiness is your own, your pain is your own…nobody can have what is destined for another. If they are happy about 10 things, they have also been in pain for 10 things…but pain is hidden, nobody shows it.
Stop wasting your beautiful like staring so long at what others have, that you forget to build your own life. Don’t let your heart wander. FOCUS on what you have…as soon as you sense your mind saying “oh but look what she has…”, stop your train of thought right there and say no, i’m going to keep moving forward with what I have.
You will be so much happier in life when you learn to acknowledge jealousy as a common human trait and respond to it with an intellectual thought “what is mine, is amazing because it is mine and I love it”. You’ll notice soon enough you stopped looking at others because you will be so drowned with gratitude with your own life.
Take care sweetie. Don’t waste this beautiful life and materialistic needs. Stay close to Allah, to who you are, and to who you want to become. Focus.