Just a bad person
Dear Fatima,
I don’t know how to put it more simply than saying I feel depressed. I don’t know why but I am becoming a very bitter person day by day. I have posted on here before, I was going through a lot of pain until people reached out and helped Alhamdulillah. However, with all that help I am still not a better person. Bitter, angry, anxious and far away from Allah. It is always the same routine with me. Make mistakes, repent, then do it again and become far away from Allah. What is wrong with me? Why can I not just learn from my mistakes….I can’t help but think I am just not a good person. Am I too lazy to keep up? I have so many privileges but I take everything for granted and I am never happy. Someone help me…
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
I am really happy to hear that when you posted before that people reached out to you and you felt cared for and it helped.I think that if you weren’t ever making mistakes and things were perfect, then we’d wonder if you were human. There are so many references in the hadith and Qur’an about humans being human and making mistakes. Allah (swt) knew that about us when He (swt) created us. Our challenge is not to never make a mistake, but to do our best, and when we fall short of where we’d like to be, to work hard to repent and do better next time. Each day that we are alive is an opportunity in that sense to better ourselves, to try harder.It definitely gets tiring and frustrating… but getting tired is also human. It reminds us that the only All-Powerful being is Allah. Looking at our own tiredness and reflecting on that can lead us back to being in awe of Allah. That amazement of His Power and His Mercy will help us repent again, and try again.It’s really courageous that you’ve shared what you have because though all of us struggle with what you are talking about, few us are strong enough to show people that we are struggling. You give courage to others to talk about how they are struggling, which opens the door for all of us to keep going, keep trying, to keep holding on — together.Wassalaam,Sincerely,Your Sister in Islam,“Fatima Z”
HA18
I really wanted to echo what the “FeelTheHeal” said above me. You are SO strong for realizing this about yourself. It takes a big person to be bothered by these negative emotions. It takes someone who is LOVED by Allah to have his or her eyes opened to the ego in us. Being aware of it is step 1. What a huge, important, humiliating, and humbling step it is. Please know that if you recognize your jealousy, you are actually someone who is true to yourself, to others and are humble. The fact that you recognize the bad means there is good to be compared too!
However, these emotions are super tough to deal with. Nobody denies it. Nobody enjoys feeling jealous of someone and overall they’re just negative emotions that make us feel gross. Step 1 is recognizing that you feel it, it’s an emotion, and just like everything else – it will pass. I love the suggestion above to journal. Thinking about it in our heads we can go in circles, over and over. But writing helps us get past that and we have made a product, our writing. Thank you for being brave, being human, and admitting these things to yourself. You will see how Allah will raise you up in a journey you couldn’t imagine since you are humble and turning to him.
FeelTheHeal
Hi Sweetheart,
Want to know a little secret? Every single person around you, yep- even that super confident beautiful girl you envy at times- every single person, feels like a bad person at a point in their lives. Most young people manage to ignore this feeling and learn how to ‘live with it’. You know why it’s bothering you so badly? Because somewhere you KNOW you are better than this. You have recognized feeling bad doesn’t allow you to live a good life. You don’t want to get used to this nonsense. You want to rise above it. And you’ve already accomplished step 1: recognizing how you feel.
You think you’re bitter because of others…I believe you are bitter because you don’t like this version of yourself. There is something in you saying “I am above this, I know I can be living it up.”. Stop looking around so long that you forget who matters the most in your life: you. Star a journal…and don’t write everything you are angry or envious of…write about how you want it to be. Establish big dreams, your dreams. Thing big. There will always be attractive, successful people around us…stop wasting your time staring at them and work on yourself. You are just as good as anyone else.
Love yourself. Wake up, do wa’du , read nafil and ask Allah “help me, release me from this anger”. Then look at yourself, talk positively to yourself within. Refer to yourself as beautiful, give yourself props for being you. Give yourself a chance. You have so much more to you than these feelings which et the end of the day, are fully under your control.