Insecurity will kill you
If you really knew me…you would know that I am unstable and insecure. The worst of the worst and I never wanted to be that. I show myself to be such a good person but am I really? The worst is when my insecurities get to me. I feel like I am so ugly and when I see other beautiful sisters, I get jealous. Even though I portray as if I am not. I portray myself to be so unsuperfitial but am I really? I don’t know. I don’t want to be delusional. I want to be true to myself. I feel like such a bad person…. all because of my insecurities I have become this way. Getting jealous, secretly wishing bad on people…ya Allah forgive me. I try very hard to not do it. Besides that I feel like I am being judged all the time. All eyes on me, people staring saying how weird I am or something. It makes me so anxious. I feel ugly and stupid and useless. So if you really knew me, you would know that insecurities will be the death of me.
FD18
Bismillah,
When I catch myself wishing bad for a person, I make dua for that person instead. They say that when you make a dua for someone, an angel says “and the same for you”. Ask Allah to increase that person in whatever it is that’s making you jealous and Inshahallah an angel will make dua for you too.
I also literally count my blessing and thank Allah. I list everything I am thankful for from having hair on my head and breathing to being able to see and walk. I keep listing until these feelings go away. On days where you don’t feel like a good person, do something for someone – even if it’s getting a glass of water for your parents or smiling at someone.
In terms of feeling like others are judging you, just keep repeating Hasbiha Allah – Allah is Sufficient. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what people think so long as Allah loves you and thinks well of you. Remember even Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was treated so badly and judged by his people so badly, but Allah loved and elevated him. The Prophets (AS) went through these situations. Remember you’re in good company.
Finally, you are not ugly or stupid. Allah is Al-Khaliq, Al-Bari, Al-Mussawir – The Creator, The Giver of Life and The Fashioner of Shapes. This means that Allah took out the time and energy to create you, He gave you life and wrote your story, and He carefully designed how you look. By you existing, Allah gave you dignity, self-worth, purpose and put respect in you.
Trust in Allah and know that Allah created you for a reason.
Make dua for yourself and for others and Allah WILL create a way for you.
I’m making a ton of dua and sending alot of love your way.
-Be merciful to yourself.
Hasan
“This means that Allah took out the time and energy to create you,” السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ sister, Allah is free from time and space. Just wanted to correct that mistake :).Masha Allah good advice.
HA18
We are all like that at times. It’s hard having these thoughts, knowing they are wrong, but feeling out of control about them. They eat up at us and make us unhappy. Sometimes even when we want to try to not think about it, our mood is in such a way that we can’t help it. I think you said it best – we feel ugly, jealous, and just insecure. Please know that you are not alone in feeling that way. From time to time, based on a million different things going on in our life, we have those moments. The good news is that you realize it. If Allah wanted to give up on us, we would be blind, dumb, and deaf to it. The fact that you even recognize it is a miracle, a blessing, know that you are loved by Allah and there is good in your heart. Since you do recognize it and it bothers you so much, know that you are ALREADY on a journey to becoming better. When the feelings come…pray to Allah to help you deal with these emotions. Often times we dislike the feelings we feel so much that we try to ignore it and not feel it. Your courageous first step of posting and acknowledging will be the start of your healing. You rock!
Since you do have this emotional intelligence and awareness of yourself, i recommend you read some self help books that can help you work things out in your mind in a more easy to chew logical way. I don’t have a specific book in mind, but look on website such as amazon under their self help books section and check out the bestsellers. Often those books help give us the tools to get through the emotions.