Marriage Proposal
I am almost 19 years old, and a freshman in college. A few months ago, I had a marriage proposal, and the man is still interested. I have told him many items that I am not ready for marriage, but I wonder whether I am making a mistake by not giving the opportunity a chance. I worry that I will regret not getting to know him better before making up my mind, and that what if he actually was the right person? Another issue is that he is about 10 years older than me, which makes me a little uncomfortable. Should I just let it go since I do not think that I am ready for marraige? I have already rejected him two times, so if I were to be in contact with him again, I wouldn’t want to reject his request for getting to know him better for marriage, again.
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
It’s really tough to know what the “right” thing to do is when there are so many unknowns.It sounds like the one thing that you do know is that you are not ready for marriage.If you are conflicted perhaps you could ask yourself some questions:1) What is marriage to me?2) How do I know that I am not yet ready to get married?3) How will I know when I am ready to start considering someone for marriage?4) What are my parents looking for in a spouse for me? and how do we figure out how to agree if we don’t agree on what we are looking for?It definitely takes time to get to know someone and make up your mind if you want to marry them so figuring out when you are okay to start talking might be different than when you are ready to actually get married.Throughout the process, it always helps to make a lot of du’a for guidance and clarity.Wa ‘alaykum salamSincerely,Your Sister in Islam,“Fatima FM”
HA18
salaam sweetheart,
that’s a tough situation to be in. in general, for both the ladies and gents, the marriage process is usually hard and requires a lot of self awareness and growth. mashallah its great you stopped to ask yourself this question and even though you had already rejected the offer twice, you are being open with the possibility of the third time. unfortunately we can’t offer you a “yes, go for it” or “no, stay away” solution, but the most we can do is offer tips.
For starters, marriage for anyone with anyone comes with a great deal of risk. you may pick up on some characteristics along the way, but you will never completely understand or be able to predict, or use any sort of logic to KNOW who you are marrying completely. you will never be able to feel 100% confident about your decision to say yes, or no. Unless the person is abusive physically or emotionally (bully), in which case you obviously wanna say no.
at the most basic level, it ultimately comes down to two people being able to put their egos aside and learn to love the other person for who they are. When that happens, you’re able to get through fights with understanding and compassion. you don’t necessarily need to agree with each other, but the topic of disagreement will at least not get blown out of proportion and decisions will be made with respect and compassion for each other. obviously, as we are all flawed human beings, much easier said than done 😉
a big part of your question which others alluded to is if you feel ready. do you feel like you’re at a place right now, emotionally, where you can take care of yourself and also have the energy to take care of someone else in your life too? I don’t mean physically taking care of him, like doing housework or cooking, but being able to support him emotionally and just having the energy to face the very real and difficult challenges you WILL both have. if in your life, you are dealing with a lot of other stuff and its hard to get your own life together, i would not recommend getting married. if you do not feel ready for that, your husband will not be your companion but will be your enemy.
i def sympathize with the difficulty of your decision, and how you feel unsure. I think it would help to write down what you want from your life and from that you can make some assumptions on what this guy will and won’t provide you. if you are having trouble writing down what you want from your life and from your spouse, i would advise you to reject a third time until you get older and more time passes. iA as time passes, you will discover more and more what you want. another thing you could do, is give the guy a chance but with the mindset that this is providing you with real life experience to discover who you are, what you like in a person, and how other people are. i pray that Allah will provide you with a clear answer 🙂
Anonymous
Aa my dear,
I’m only a couple years older than you and have been going through the same thing since I was your current age. The first thing I would advise is that you make istikhara. I know that you may think that there is no need to do so, since nothing is actually happening. But honestly, even just thinking about whether you want to talk to this guy or not to get to know him is something that istikhara can help with. Allah SWT will help you find the answer through istikhara. The second, if you are sure right off the bat that you don’t think you’re ready for marriage yet, then let your parents know. They can deal with any proposals that come in once you’ve told them that. However, if you are unsure of whether you are ready or not, then I would suggest that you answer the questions that “Fatima Z” gave to you, and answer them as honestly as possible to yourself. In my case, I was 17 when the first of my proposals started coming in. My parents automatically said no to all of those. I wasn’t even told about those until very recently. And I agree with them 100%; I was wayyy too young. However, as I’m in my final year of undergrad, and proposals come in, my parents talk to me about them. When I turned 20 is when my mother first asked me if I was open to marriage as a prospect now. At that point, I was. I had thought about it, I had done my istikhara and duahs, and I told her. But then I also left it up to her and my dad and Allah SWT. There have been a few families and guys that she has asked me to meet, but my parents are the ones that have done all the questioning and getting to know. I told them that once they are satisfied with someone, then to let me know, and then I’ll talk to the guy–and not before that. Until now, they haven’t found one that they have been pleased with, and I haven’t pushed to get to know anyone further. However, if this guy is of the deen, practicing, compassionate, wants to get to know you for the right reasons, is persistent as he has shown to been, than I would suggest that you see what your parents think. If they think it is a good idea to at least get to know him a bit, and if you believe that you should at least give him a chance, then it can’t hurt. Keep it only to email and nothing else. Don’t meet, don’t talk on the phone, don’t text or add him on any social media. That starts to blur barriers and then you begin to loosen up. If you can stay strict with one method of communication and just strictly ask questions that will give you info as to what he is like, what he wants in a wife, and what he sees in his life, then stick to it. Also, keep your parents in the loop about what you speak about. Keep it very open between him and them so that they know what you are comfortable with, and that if there is anything that bothers you about him, they can call it off without you having to feel pressured into continuing the conversation with him. If you only tell them that you want to get to know him without keeping them informed, they may as well form their own ideas of what you talk about and think that all is well and that you are getting along. iA all does go well and you go get along, but if it doesn’t, then it will be helpful that they know all the details. I tell you all of this from my personal experience, so I hope it helps iA. And darling, you are still young! You have time ahead of you iA, so if this doesn’t work out, Allah WT always has something better for you planned! Don’t lose hope iA. We’re all praying for you. And of course, we are all here to talk to you and give advice iA. Praying for your ease!