Asking for a Friend–please help
Dear Fatima,
Slmz
I just received this msg from a friend of mine and he wants me to toward it to a helpline. He is known around the town as being pious and Allah fearing. He doesn’t own a phone so he can not send it himself. In South Africa I am unaware of an organisation like yours although there is a great need.
“I am 18 years old and in my final year of my studies this year. My life is a mess but no one knows about it. I am actively involved in deen and efforts regarding deen. I wish to join a Darul Uloom as of next year. People think I am a good person, Even my parents and friends. No one knows about my dark secretes. I am addicted to porn and masturbation. Every time I make a firm resolve to quite but I always go back to it. It is shameful indeed. I encourage others away from sin but I am sining my self. My condition is pitiable and bad. I feal like a hypocrite. Plz HELP!”
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
Everyone has some struggle, something they hide about themselves.
We don’t know others’ struggles but are often deeply torn about our own.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling, and it’s the motivation for us to get help, change, and become a better version of ourselves.
Unfortunately many Muslims are struggling with the pull to view and masturbate to pornography, and since we don’t usually have open conversations about sex in our masaajid and families, the problem continues in silence. This makes people like you feel alone, and odd, even though you are struggling with something that is becoming more and more common.
The only resource that I know of that targets Muslims in particular is a website called “Purify your gaze” and the person who runs it offers coaching for individuals who are struggling with pornography.
There is some research that suggests that pornography addiction results in a similar brain pattern as drug addiction. So it’s not surprising that you’ve tried many times to quit on your own but have been unsuccessful. It’s tough to do on your own, just like with any other addiction.
Because of the intimate nature of the images and the masturbation, it is likely that this will impact your future romantic relationships, so it’s to your advantage to get help now and process not only what pulls you to pornography, but also how it has impacted your view of men, women, sexuality, what is erotic, etc.
Yet, do not feel that because you find yourself in this place that you cannot continue to study Islam and work on your relationship with Allah (swt). Allah (swt) knows us, knows our flaws and our strengths and accepts us as long as we are making some sort of effort to make each day a tiny bit better than the one before. There is a story that one imam used during a khutbah that always resonated with me… it was of a man who came to a famous scholar and asked his advice on how to convince himself to free his slaves. The scholar didn’t answer the question for a long time, and the man was impatient waiting for his response. Finally the scholar came to him and said I now have your response. When the man asked what took him so long to respond, the scholar replied that he didn’t have the experience of owning a slave, so he had gone out purchased a slave, allowed some time to pass so that he would become dependent on the slave, then freed the slave. He did this so that he could really understand what the man was struggling with and therefore come up with good advice for him.
I share this story not to say that we should go out and commit sin as an experiment, but that when we find ourselves in a place we regret, that we stop and look back at it as a lesson. How did we get here? What decisions could I have made differently? What does this feel like? What do I need to get out of here?
If we take note of it, then when we get to the other side, we can be of greater help to the people who are still struggling with what we have just overcome, insha’Allah.
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima Z”
thatonecatlover
Assalamu Aleikum
Every time I read a post, I almost feel like I’m looking into a mirror. Whats amazing the peer support concept on stones to bridges is that it both makes the poster receive words of support from others who have had similar hardships, while at the same time letting the reader reflect on their own self.
It is said that about 66% of men an about 41% of woman watch porn at least once a month. It is even a common joke in the US that “all men watch porn”. Porn addiction is an actual real struggle, one that for us males, a struggle we usually don’t think too much about, but can cause actual issues in our daily lives.
I, also, have had issues with this as well. However, a close friend of mine helped me make a lot of realizations, and, Alhumdullillah, I’ve been porn free for quite a long while now.
I want to share what I learned from him to you.
What Fatima said is absolutely true. Porn addiction is an absolutely real addiction, and as such can take over our mindset and our actions. However, all addictions can be broken. It’s just a matter of knowing why the addiction is bad, the getting the resolve to break it.
If you ever have time free, consider watching this short 10 minute TED talk about Pornogrophy, titled The Great Porn Experience by Gary Willson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
We already know that there isn’t any benefit from it. The fact that you have made the resolve in the past to overcome this is enough proof that you are a strong enough individual to get through your own personal struggle. Although the best way to get through any issue is through faith in Allah, I don’t want to give the same advice that you can get from anyone around you.
Ultimately, it’s simply about understanding what the addiction is, why it’s harmful and then, quitting. You’ve already done the hard part of recognizing and understanding the issue. Believe in yourself, and I’m sure you’ll pull together the strength you need to do what’s right.
Stay strong, and never give up.
– That One Cat Lover
nafiz.tafader
Salaam walekum brother,
I hope you are well. There is no one in this world who is perfect. We all have our demons and our secrets. We all have skeletons in our closets. It is the strive to get rid of those demons that determines what’s truly in our hearts and Allah knows best. We are all victim to some kind of evil. It is human nature. The fact that you are reaching out and asking for help is a great first step. It shows that you really do feel guilty about what you are doing and it is a great way to gain the support you may need to overcome this addiction.
I think you should try to keep yourself from situations where you any end up sitting on your laptop and watching porn. If you feel the urge, find an alternative. Call a friend or family member; play video games; read dua or even pray sunnah. Force your mind to push those ideas away. It is easier said than done, I understand. But you have to start somewhere. A lot of times, quitting an addiction is easier to do if done gradually instead of going “cold turkey”. I know you are still young but have you considered marriage? That may be a good option as well. Whatever your escape may be from it, you can figure it out. You have many options.
The biggest thing is that you know you’re doing something wrong. So tell yourself that you can do without it. Remember Allah in all that you do and pray for assistance and forgiveness. Allah is ever forgiving and is always there for us. Take advantage.
I wish you the best of luck and pray that Allah help guide you through this struggle. InshaAllah you will be able to conquer.
Take care 🙂
Nafiz
Anonymous
salaams brother. i’m glad you shared your story. addictions to pornography and masturbation are far more common in the Muslim community than most would assume, so i am positive there are others reading this that can learn and benefit from fatima’s response. similar to fatima, i don’t know of any specific resources available for porn/masturbation addictions in the Muslim community except for purify your gaze. however, i can share some behavioral tips that i have heard to be helpful to others who also dealt with a similar addiction.
1- fast. Allah(SWT) recommends in the Qur’an that believing men and women who are not married should fast to help curb their desire. make the intention to fast and ask Allah(SWT) to keep you pure during your fasting state. when we fast, we make an intention/effort to stay away from other desires (i.e. food, bad language, bad thoughts) that it helps curb other desires.
2- along these same lines, try to see what other desires/urges you are giving into. i once heard a lecture that said that when one gives into the temptation of food (i.e. gluttony), it becomes significantly easier for them to heed other desires. so, look at your other habits and patterns and see if you can build discipline there, and then eventually as you build your ability to be disciplined, you can exercise it in this regard.
3- retrain your mind. every time you get the urge to view porn or masturbate, say “authoobilla” and “astagh firullah”. literally, keep saying this (i.e. seeking refuge with Allah) until the urge goes away. concentrate on what you are saying to help take your mind off your desires. over time, as you get urges, your automatic reaction will be to make dhikr.
4- ask Allah for help. i’m not sure if this is something you have tried, but even if so, make consistent dua to Allah to help you. you mentioned how you feel like a hypocrite, and sometimes when you feel like you’ve disobeyed Allah you feel like you have no right to turn to Him for help. that is not at all the case. that is what shaytan wants you to think. rather, it is these times that Allah(SWT) wants you to come to Him. it is when the believer makes a mistake, repents, and comes to Allah for His guidance that Allah is the most happy. So do not despair and feel like you can’t come away from this. make dua to Allah(SWT) for guidance, to give you discipline, to keep your temptations at bay, and to keep you pure.
inshaAllah i hope these tips help. making dua for you.
Anonymous
Salaam,
first of all, i am not the one who post this but I struggle the same thing. I tried so many ways to stop. I even changed my laptop background to picture of Mecca just so I feel ashamed or guilty every time I want to surf porn. It worked at the beginning but then I relapsed. I avoid myself from seeing my laptop background so I don’t feel guilty when I surf. It is terrible and so wrong.
But I never try fasting. I should do that. I remember I am totally in control during Ramadan..Thank you for the suggestions… JAK