Struggle and Bad Everywhere
Salam everyone. I’m struggling with a hard time in my life. I’m a teenager and I feel like everything is coming out at once, every obstacle. For one thing, my parents fight every night, then they fight with me, etc. My mother shouts everyday for no reason at all, maybe a dirty dish here and there. Whenever I go to an immediate family member for aid, they tell me it’s my fault and to consider their opinions and to respect them, even though I do. I’m forced to go to my friends who have helped me so much but sometimes they don’t know the whole story because they don’t have a Muslim background. My family makes me feel depressed and horrible about myself. Several years ago, I was sexually abused for a few years, and it changed me. I still see my attacker and everytime I look at him I feel disgusted not only with him but with myself. I feel used and damaged and uncomfortable and those feelings just started to reignite in my mind. Then I also have just recently came out to my friends as a gay man. I have come to accept my homosexuality but I still fear what will happen when I come out to my family (when I’m independent at 18). I have just been going through all these struggles and I have so many bad days, and I don’t want to complain too much to my friends because I don’t want to be a negative person and I don’t want to make it seem like I’m going through worse or whatever. Thank you.
Anonymous
As Salaam Alaykum Brother,
I’m glad that you reached out because it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed. I want to reiterate as Fatima Y has already stated that, you’ve done nothing to deserve the abuse. You were a child and the family member was an adult and therefore, is responsible for his inappropriate and unlawful behavior and interactions with you. Unfortunately, the abuse has had lingering effects on you that cause you to feel what you’re feeling. It’s important to get help. I can tell that you have thought long and hard about this issue because you have raised important concerns about how sexual abuse is reported and dealt with when someone who is under the age of 18 discloses such an experience. It can be complicated but that doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t disclose. I would want you to get the help you need and also consider that the person that abused you, may actually be continuing to abuse other children.
In terms of finding help, RAINN is an excellent resource: https://www.rainn.org/
The link will also direct you to finding a counselor in your zip code and online support which might be helpful in responding to your questions and concerns.
Another resource is a book I highly recommend entitled, Why Me? by Lynn Daugherty: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2917860.Lynn_Daugherty
Summary: Adults and adolescents who were sexually abused as children find help and healing in this classic bestseller from a respected Clinical Psychologist. Now in its fourth edition, this warm and personal, beginning guide answers questions about child sexual abuse and abusers, shares stories from other victims, and provides step-by-step guidance to those seeking recovery from childhood trauma.
The feelings don’t go away unless they are dealt with appropriately. There are specialists who know how to do this effectively and can help you to heal. You are not alone and there is help but you have to be willing to reach for it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you consider healing these wounds.
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima W”
Anonymous
Note from Admin: Your post indicates that you were sexually abused by someone who you still have contact with. If this person is still a danger to you or is trusted with the care of people under the age of 18, you may consider calling your local Child Protective Services and submitting an anonymous report about what you experienced. This anonymous report would allow the proper authorities to investigate the person, and if needed, take action. It may be hard to decide whether you are ready to make such a report. So use your best judgement to do decide what is in the best interest of your safety, and the safety of other young people like you.
nafiz.tafader
Salaam walekum Brother,
I pray that this message reaches you in good health. Throughout life we are constantly tested. We are constantly challenged with obstacles that seem overwhelming and overbearing. It seems as though you are going through a time when you are being tested in multiple ways. I want you to understand that this does NOT mean that you can’t get through this. Every single day is a struggle and it may seem like a better idea to just give up and roll into a ball and hide in a room away from all the yelling and screaming and all the hurt and pain. It’s not. You have to remember to believe in yourself. Bad days are just that. They are bad days. And if there are bad days then you can be sure that there will come good days. You have to figure out a way to fight through these bad days and reach those good days.
I know it feels like it’s your fault that your parents are always arguing or yelling at you but it is not. Everyone has their own struggles and it gets very easy to vent that anger on others, oftentimes unrightfully so. You can not blame yourself for their struggles. Find something that gives you comfort when your parents are yelling. Either read a book (like the Qur’an =]) or watch videos online (islamic lectures, perhaps?). When your mom is yelling, don’t take it personally. Instead, just let her take her anger out and pray to Allah that He help her through her struggles. Continue respecting them and maybe find an Imam to speak to since you’re having trouble trying to find family to speak with.
I completely get it when you say that it’s hard to have non-Muslim friends to depend on. You are right; they don’t understand the struggles that we go through as Muslims. Once again, maybe speaking with an Imam, attending mosque and creating a circle of friends with the youth might help. 🙂
I can not begin to imagine what you went through when you were younger in regards to your sexual abuse. I am really sorry that you had to go through such a horrific experience. Is there a way to avoid seeing your abuser? That is a very serious situation and if you feel threatened or uncomfortable, figure out ways to avoid that person completely.
I don’t know how much this post will help you. Really, what I think we all want you to know is that you have fiends and we are right here. We will be here to support you and to listen to you. We all hope that you can get through these struggles and pass these tests with flying colors. Insha’Allah. Do NOT give up and do NOT feel hopeless. There is always a way. Just put your faith in Allah and He will help guide you.
Take care of yourself and insha’Allah the next time we hear from you, you can tell us you’re doing better 🙂
Salaam,
Nafiz
Anonymous
Dear brother,
It ached my heart when I read your post because I can relate to so much. I also grew up in an extremely unhealthy household, fighting and screaming all the time so I’ve been wanting to write to tell you that you really are not alone. It hurts so much growing up in such a home, all the confusion, pain and tears.
I wish I had a place to go for support when I was going through all this in my parents’ home.
I am so glad you found this site. Allah bringing you this opportunity is just one way of Him showing you that no matter what He puts you through to bring out the best in you, He is truly there carrying you through it.
I want to start by saying you are an amazing person! Allah created you as a beautiful soul so no matter what anyone ever says, always know that Allah has created you in the most excellent mould, as He says in the Quran 95:4.
As cliche as it sounds, Allah puts us in difficulty to truly bring out the best in us. Look how much our beloved Prophet and all the companions had to go through in their lives. I also like the example of the cocoon and the butterfly, where once a man saw the caterpillar struggling in his cocoon so opened it up to help, but the butterfly hadn’t fully developed and become strong enough to fly so it died. It’s only after the caterpillar struggles with sabr persevering to grow strong within himself that he breaks through his cocoon and transforms into a beautiful butterfly.
Your parents are going through their own struggles, so always remember that it has nothing to do with you, those struggles belong to them. Always remember you are your own man, and you have your entire life ahead of you, and Allah has placed you in this situation out of His wisdom and perfection, and He is always there to give you and all of us the nurturing love and support in His own ways (like this website).
I can only say this because I’m now in my 30s and finally have began to see the wisdom in all the intense struggles he put me through since I was a child alhmadulillah.
I truly believe you are so close to Allah and He loves you very much which is why He is giving you these struggles so you will reach out to Him and become closer to Him. It may seem like you’re already close to Him so why does He have to make you go through this, but believe me, keep turning to Him and no matter what, surround yourself with people who always allow you to see the Light in yourself. Always look to see how Allah is showing you His Light that He has personally placed in you.
I hope you comment back and stay connected because we truly are your friends here!
thatonecatlover
Assalamu Aleikum.
Dear ‘Struggle and Bad Everywhere’:
Every time I read a post on Stonestobridges, I feel as if this is absolutely a place that I was made to help. So much of what I have read is so relate-able, its amazing. Even in this very moment, almost everything you’ve mentioned I’ve had to struggle through not even two years ago.
All being said, I find this website so beneficial and helpful for any who is going through hardships or who has gone through hardships and simply wants to talk. For this, I thank you for coming here to speak about your issues. Remember, you’re not alone, and there’s always someone out there who can relate and wants nothing more but to sit and talk about it with one another.
During my freshman year of high school, I felt that my parents didn’t understand me at all and simply wanted to make my life hell. They would speak to me in a condescending manner and treat me as if I’m second rate, or “just a kid”. I know too well what it’s like being yelled at over something minor like an unwashed dish or forgetting to do something for whatever reason. Of course, minor things, but they feel as if everything is blown out of proportion, which would just make my already bad day worse.
To top it all off, it feels at this point that nothing makes sense, yet there are so many responsibility and expectations on you that you’re expected to comply, but at the same time not enough time to adjust to any of these. You feel as if you’re disappointing those around you, and you end up making yourself feel even more worse, on top of everything else that is going on.
Please, believe me when I say this. Everyone around you has gone through this phase in their life, and although it feels like “this is my life now” it isn’t. It absolutely is not. I guarantee you that in nearly no time at all, these struggles and hardships will be nothing more than a memory of difficulties and how you persevered through them. In just a few years, you’ll be at a point where you understand why you felt the way you did, you’ll understand why you’re tested the way you were, and most of all, you’ll understand that there are brighter days ahead, and that with hardship, there will always be ease.
My advice to you is to stay patient, with both yourself and those around you. I understand that this is extremely weak, general and a pretty cliche form of advice, and for this I apologize deeply for. There is no single word I could use to show you how serious I am about advising you in this manner, and so, I’ll try to use as many words as possible.
Understand that the people who love you, your friends, your family, they aren’t trying to belittle you. No one around you is intentionally trying to be your enemy and make you life a living hell. Unfortunately, they are having this effect on you, but no one is doing it on purpose. Sadly, the only thing we can do here is learn to cope with it. How you cope will change your attitude, your general emotions and your state of mind. We know that we can talk to those who are negative on our well being, but with that, we understand that we have no power in what anyone else does. We cant change others, we can only try to help ourselves for ourselves.
How you cope is the biggest thing here. Trying to find the best ‘thing’ to do when life gets rough, is usually the challenge. It’s usually different for every person, but ideally, you should try to find something that lets off steam in a healthy manner.
I personally recommend Video Games. I think Video Games is a solution like no other, and here why: Firstly, when we feel like “our life sucks”, video games present us with an option to go out and and play and take on the role of someone else. When you aren’t feeling like yourself, who would want to be their selves when they could be “The Chosen One who hunts and slays dragons for fun”. Although you wouldn’t play too much, it is a good escape, and you usually come out of the game a bit happier with yourselves than when you entered.
Secondly, it gives you a chance to get your mind off of your troubles. When your mind is boggled with questions on all the issues you’re facing in your life, just play a game. Who has time worrying about their hardships when you’re busy conquering the enemy teams base. Of course, too much of anything would be unhealthy, so you’d have to find a healthy balance to this, but consider it an option for coping. If you aren’t someone who interested in gaming, the same is true for books. It’s like getting lost into another world, a world shaped of your imagination, catered to your emotions so perfectly.
How you chose to cope is everything, but here, it will all come down to patience. If you lose patience, and do something you may end up later regretting, things will only start to feel worse for you. All these emotions, the troubles and hardships you’re dealing with will practically start to pile on. “The little things will become an unbearable mountain” which is a state none of us want to be in.
You coming here is enough to show that both us as well as you yourself absolutely has the strength to persevere through this. Don’t ever forget that with every hardship, there will always be ease. Things can only get better from where you are, and I guarantee you they will start to get better.
Stay strong, stay patient,
and remember, you are not alone.
-ThatOneCatLover
admin
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
I’m looking out at this rainy day and thinking… when it rains it pours!
You definitely sound like you are between a rock and a hard place and a hard place.
From what you describe, your parents appear to be struggling within their relationship with each other, and when people are dissatisfied with something in their life it’s common for them to show it in other parts of their lives. So, I’m not surprised that you find yourself at the center of arguments. It also sounds like this is something that’s not going to change unless and until they seek help for what they are experiencing. In the meantime, the question is, how do you cope and how do you keep yourself safe?
Coping and safety sound like themes for you if you are also struggling with the aftermath of sexual abuse, seeing the person who abused you on a regular basis, and trying to make your way as a gay Muslim man. Sexual abuse is not an experience that people can usually work through on their own, so I would definitely recommend you seek counseling because sexual abuse affects your sense of self, your current and future relationships, your experience of sex and sexuality, how you experience love…. everything. It takes a lot to sort it out.
I’m glad you’ve got great friends, and that you’ve reached out here instead of holding it all in.
You’ve got a long road ahead so hold onto those support systems; they are important healing tools.
Also, feel free to complete the Contact Us form at the bottom of the Stones to Bridges site to connect you with a professional in your area.
Salaams,
Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima Z”
admin
As Salaam Alaikum Dear Brother
I am so sorry you are going through so much and I greatly hope you take the advice of the other counselor and seek help as soon as possible. There are many things going on that you will not be able to see through the fog alone. Find a therapist in your area that can understand your culture and religious views and give them the entire story so that they can help you find the best method to a happier life for you. In the meantime here are a few things that you can do to help yourself remain calm during intense times.
1. When your parents are fighting, make sure you are in a safe space. If you or anyone else is in immediate danger call 911. If you are not in danger then turn to Allah. Build a relationship with your Lord. Talk to him, seeks His Love and Guidance. Meditate or just conversate with Allah.
2. Go for a run or walk – exercise is really good for you and your happiness.
3. Go somewhere tranquil where you can collect your thoughts – the musjid, library or park are all great places to be alone and come back to the moment.
I pray this helps you. Please seek some professional help in your area. Also, feel free to complete the Contact Us form at the bottom of the Stones to Bridges site to connect you with a professional in your area.
Salaams,
Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima X”