I cant go on…
Salam,
I am a female in my late teens and I am honestly done with my life. The thing is, it is no ones fault but mine and I am convinced that I am nothing but a nuisance to everyone around me. This all started in my earlier in my life, when I was 14 or so, just started high school and fresh out of Islamic middle school. I was so happy to be out of their and I was ready to “fit in” with all the kids, which where non Muslim. I didn’t really have proper guidance and i was naive. Basically, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and I got myself into deep trouble. First of all, this girl showed me these online websites where you could talk to people anonymously. I thought to myself, whats the harm in that? not realizing how many perverts and creepy people there would be. It started with normal conversations, then once I got comfortable, it went to sharing personal info, dating, doing sexual things on cam. I have done this for a few years. You don’t know how many times I have repented, tried to find a solution to my addiction. This all happened to the point where a few months ago, I got threatened. He said, if you don’t show me anything and comply to my wish then I will expose you. Yea, I did meet this guy online but turned out he shifted to a university near me. I obviously complied and he said he would not do it and I have reason to believe him. I honestly cannot believe myself. I put myself in this position and not a day goes by where I don’t think about ending it. I know it is haram and I am always trying to turn away from the thought. I have for a few years. I went to a Councillor 3 years ago because I believed it would help but i choked up and lied to her too about my issues. On top of that, I started smoking weed, which did not help. I also started cutting, which also did not help. I got out of both thankfully. But now I am stuck in the past. Regrets and paranoia weigh me down daily. Regrets of all those “boyfriends”. Paranoia of how no one will ever accept me if they new the truth. How honor killing is the only way to save my family from shame. I get thoughts in my head, “what if someone finds a nude pic?”. Then I think, no its not likely, it hasnt happened and it wont because I was careful enough. Forget that! What about Allah?? Even though I know Allah is all forgiving and merciful, how many times have I did this sin? it is uncountable! On top of that, I still have boyfriend… he is muslim, and he wants to get married to me but marriage scares me. I dont think I am capable of marrying anyone. I am a sinner and a bad servant to Allah. Even thought killing yourself is the worst thing you can do, it seems like my best option. I think of it everyday while driving to school.. what if i just turn the wheel a little? i will be dead in seconds. Besides that, there is so much rushing through my mind. I cant handle it. I went to the doctor and she confirmed I had anxiety issues and perhaps minor depression. Of course I did not tell her all of this but now I feel like I am depressed. I have been for a long time.I get such irrational fears and I feel worthless. I push everyone away. I dont trust anyone either. I was even skeptical about talking here. I have never told this to anyone. I am trying to turn my life around, I am trying. Please help me.. I am so afraid and God knows what I will do if i don’t get help…
As salaam alaykum,
I’m really glad that you reached out here and are asking for help. That is a great strength that you have to be able to do that. And it means that you have a great potential to heal and get through this because you have insight into your self.
I’m sorry to hear about all of the challenges and difficulties you’ve been facing. I know it’s especially hard to see yourself continually making choices that you are not proud of. But this is no reason to give up. We are all imperfect human beings struggling against ourselves. For all of us our biggest challenge and obstacle is our own desires and weaknesses. It is all a part of the test of this life. You are not meant to do it perfectly, nor are you expected not to slip up and make mistakes, even repeatedly. As you said, Allah is indeed The Most Merciful and He is the Accepter of Forgiveness and the Granter of Forgiveness. There is no amount of sin that you can come to Him with that He will not forgive. You can literally come to Him with sins as numerous as the little bubbles in the seafoam of all the world’s oceans and He will still have mercy on you and accept your tawbah. All you have to do is remember Him. And from what I see, you are doing that. So for sure, all is not lost. There is indeed hope for you.
Taking your life is a serious matter. It is not a solution to your problem. It is the beginning of a much bigger problem. The pain and hopelessness you are feeling now is temporary and will pass. There are brighter times ahead for you as long as you persevere through your struggle. Suicide, on the other hand, only catapults you into an existence of prolonged torment with no reprieve. So for sure it is no solution. It does not end your pain. But you do have numerous ways of relieving your pain here in this life right now.
Remember Allah more often- it sounds like you are a believer in Allah. I know that this fact makes it even harder to see yourself making bad choices, because you feel ashamed in front of Allah. But please don’t let that keep you from remembering Him. Don’t push away the consciousness of Allah. Look to Him more, remember Him more. Even in the times when you feel ashamed. He is a source of Love and Compassion and He knows how hard it is for you. He loves you and accepts you.
Find replacements for your unwanted habits- you have created a pattern where you get something from these online interactions. It fulfills some need that you have, perhaps a need for attention. The problem is that it fulfills the need in an unhealthy way which creates more problems. Try to find healthy ways of fulfilling similar needs. It may involve healthy social interactions, performance art, or journaling. Develop a new pattern of something that is good for you.
Keep yourself safe- Have plans in place to get support when you’re feeling hopeless. This could mean being around friends you feel comfortable with or calling a crisis hotline to have someone to talk to immediately. You can use the resources on this website to find a hotline to call or find a counselor to meet with. And if you’re feeling like killing yourself call 911. Also keeping yourself safe may mean not driving when you’re feeling hopeless. If you know that your mind entertains the idea of turning the wheel, then close off that possibility. Take life affirming actions that choose safety. Take the bus, ride with a friend, but take whatever precautions you must in order to keep yourself safe and choose to preserve your life.
Your life is a gift from Allah. He does not expect for you to master it or live it perfectly. He knows that it is a gift that comes with challenges and hardships. All He wants to see is that through those hardships that you are remembering Him. That’s all He asks. Just that you remember Him and make efforts to do good. That does not mean “do good” all the time. It means make effort to do good. Just try your best, that all you can do. You are not asked to be anything more than what you are with what you’ve been given. Masha’allah, you have been blessed with an awareness of Allah and you have taqwa. Otherwise you wouldn’t be struggling to get better and do better for the sake of Allah. Just continue on that path, you’re doing it. Just keep doing it.
I’ll be making dua for you and please reach out again whenever you feel the need. We are all here for you.
Sincerely,
Your brother in Islam,
Fatima Y
Anonymous
Salaam,
I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about it since then. I think others have said the important things – the fact that you are seeking help is a positive. I think professional help to help you work through all these issues would be great – it is not easy to be honest even with professionals or doctors but keep in mind that they hear these kinds of issues, and even worse, every day. It is their job to help. While hurting yourself may seem like the best option, it is a permanent solution to what is, Inshallah, a temporary problem. We have all committed sins, including major sins. Especially in our teens or in college. What hurting yourself takes away is the opportunity to repent and to make up for our mistakes. I know it seems hard to be believe, but life after your teens gets better. So much better. I have found that as life moves forward, I become closer to my religion and closer to Allah (SWT). Please let that happen for you. No matter how many times you’ve committed a sin, there is always a chance for redemption. And don’t worry what anyone else, boyfriend included, may think. This is between you and Allah. You are young – please do not worry about marriage, love, and others’ judgement. Focus on yourself and worry only about your relationship with your own self and Allah. The rest will come with time. The key is that you need to give yourself that time and not take it away prematurely. You and your happiness are in my prayers!
Anonymous
aoa
I think if your looking for answers-
you should travel and involve yourself in care of the needy/destitute/
spend time with people that are in difficult situation (like refugee camps)
something of public service if possible in a different environment // or locally if you cannot travel
do something different – and everything will all come back to you inshAllah
you are not alone –
best wishes and may god make easy for you.
Anonymous
Salam,
As a fellow Muslim girl growing up in the United States, I can understand how difficult it is staying on the straight path. I personally was unable to go to Islamic School so I went to public school throughout my education. Like you, I dealt with social pressures and this incessant need to fit in. What made it harder was the added pressure of having fellow Muslims succumb to societal pressures and then further ostracize me for not fitting in. You are not alone! We’ve all been there. We’ve all been in that situation where everyone in your class is going out for a drink and you have to make that choice. It’s a day to day ACTIVE CHOICE we make each and every day on how we want to live our lives. However, anyone can mess up, and the key is Learning from our mistakes and overcoming them. I’ve been very blessed in having a rock solid family support system. I would voice my concerns to my Mother and FATHER so they knew what obstacles I was facing. Too often our parents are stuck in some 1950s patriarchal society that makes the Father some Back-burner parental figure. Get them Involved in your life. It may be awkward in the beginning to talk about but in the end they will be more aware and therefore better equipped to help you.
You’ve made mistakes; however, don’t let them DEFINE you!! The best advice I can give you is that you should focus on Yourself! This is your time to heal and self-reflect. If you are in school inshallah, set goals to achieve your educational success. Try to find hobbies and make them into passions. Build yourself up to become a healthy, confident, young women! Finally, try to find people who will help you reach your dreams. Being friends with people that inspire you and motivate you will help you mold yourself. They will encourage your better aspects and change your way of thinking. It is not necessary they be Muslims….Muslims are people, some are good and some are bad, just like any other religion. My advice to you is to look for GOOD people.
Finally, what’s in the past is in the past. It’s time to build a better future, build a better self. Take care of yourself and your thoughts. Build strong foundations. Try to reach out to your family, you’ll be surprised in how cathartic it is for you. Reach out to your local mosque and find good people. Inshallah, you will be able to get through this and hopefully someday you could help your own children or other little girls struggling. Allah is forgiving, however, it is important that you understand that you need to move up and learn from your struggles and not continue to wallow in them. I hope these words give you some hope and direction!
Anonymous
AsSalamuAlaiqum wrbt Dear Sister,
May Allah SWT continue to bless you with the best in this world and the best in the Hereafter. Amin. Do not worry, help is on the way and Allah loves you very Dearly. You are not a number to Allah, you are one of His best creation and He loves you very much.
I have an awesome good news for you :
Allah SWT accepts the doa of the oppressed, because you are being oppressed, Allah SWT inshaaAllah will surely accept your doa. So make a very positive doa for everyone and do not think for a minute it will not be accepted. I am a witness to people who have gone through similar situation and you will see that Allah SWT will for sure remove your difficulty. How can The One who gave us soap, made it so easy to remove dirt from our hands and not give an acceptance of our doa that will remove our Hardship. Believe me Sister, He SWTwill not only answer your doa, He SWT will answer it in a way that is good for you and we just have to believe in His plan.
Example is the story of Musa AS’s mother, imagine how she must have made doa to Allah to save Musa AS, so Allah told her to breastfeed him and then put him in a basket and let him free in the river if she felt the guards were near. She did what Allah commanded (even though her heart might have had negative thoughts and emotions just like any human being) so Allah SWT brought him up in His enemy’s house and also let the mother be with her child. Allah SWT had a plan for Musa AS for a great mission and He SWT knew best how shape and enrich his (AS) life experience for that task.
Another example is of Yusuf AS, he had so many negative events, one after one another but he AS put his trust in Allah and Allah SWT gave him everything he could have ever wanted and more.
I want you to please tell yourself, what has happened in the past is the past, Allah SWT is going to inshaaAllah bring out a lot of good out of all of this. So do not worry Sister, inshaaAllah soon you will be smiling and saying Alhamdulillah Allah, Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to have this meaningful conversation (doa) with You, Thank you Allah for everything you gave me and everything you did not..
Believe me, Shaitan knows the power of doa and the Allah’s infinite mercy because he himself is a witness that despite how much of a evil person Shaitan is, Allah SWT still answered his doa, and Saitan did not even repent.
Now that you have repented and are taking steps to better your situation and making doa to Allah, Allah SWT will surely help you succeed.
I will share with you two suggestions that will help you inshaaAllah.
1) In a Muslim marriage, each can say to the other, look I have my short comings but I have made tauba to Allah SWT for them and I have no inclination towards those past events at all. We are not Allah, so we should not expose our sins to each other because to expose one’s sin is a sin itself. What has happened in the past is between me and Allah SWT.
2) Dedicate one hour in the day just for thinking – think as much as you like in that one hour and then tell yourself I am done with thinking and worrying for today, let me look to do those things that will help better my day. InshaaAllah you will see Sister, that will help you.
Prepare you mind in this way:
1) sometimes we may like something but it may not be good for us and we may not like something but it may be good for us.
If this Br, whom you would inshaaAllah like to marry, keep your heart filled with the remembrance with Allah SWT, although our spouses do help us in having a good life sometimes it can sometimes bring us pain but that is ok because that helps us become better Muslims. But the key is, all source of happiness and joy is from Allah SWT, every single thing in our life is designed to eventually leave us or fade, accept Allah SWT. If you love Allah SWT, there is no end to that love. So make doa to Allah, ‘Oh Allah, you are Al Wadud (The Most loving), you are the All Seeing, Oh Allah, you can see the emptiness that is my heart that is caused by different events, please feel that void in my Heart with your love and remembrance. Oh Allah you helped Yunus AS who was in layers after layers of darkness and in a much more constricted situation but you saved him, Oh Allah I need you, so please help me.
La Ilaha illa Anta subhanaka inni kuntu minnazzalimin – make the doa that Yunus AS made and just like Allah SWT removed all his hardship, Allah will definitely remove your hardship.
These are not bad things Sister, they are just some difficult experiences, do not worry , you are strong enough to handle them, for it is Allah’s promise that He does not burden a sole than its potential.
I want you to visualize your self that your smiling, and you are sole source of a 1,001 youth who will be inspired by your life journey and Allah will inshaaAllah help them through you.. You will be an awesome Life Coach.. Do not worry… The darkest part of the night is right before Fajr and isn’t the Fajar very near Sister 🙂
Ya ayyu halzina Amanu, istayyinu biss sawbri wasSwalah, innallaha maasswabireen..(2:153)
Oh you who believe, seek help with patients and Salah (prayer), for sure, without any doubt at all, Allah is with the patient.
Please make doa for us as we are in great need of your doa Dear Sister.
Wassalam 🙂
nafiz.tafader
Salaam walekum sister,
Thank you for expressing your feelings here. I want you to understand something. You are NOT alone. You are NOT the only sinner and there are people out there who have done way worse things than you can even imagine. The fact that you feel guilty and are seeking help is in itself a HUGE step and proves that you want to be good and leave your past behind. I know it is easier said than done but believe me when I tell you that you CAN leave it behind.
There was a time when I did a lot of bad things and it took me years to stop those things and leave it behind. I know it may seem like turning that wheel slightly to the left is the best solution but it is not. It is clear that you don’t want to upset Allah; leaving this world now in the state you’re in would do just that. But it is not too late. It never is. You can always come back and you have people in your life who will help you. You found the bad people online before; now you’ve found your supporters. Us. We will help you and cheer you on and guide you to a better you. You have to start to love yourself and that starts with Allah. Allah wants you to love yourself. We all make mistakes, sister. I’ve made a million mistakes myself that still haunt me sometimes. But you have to wake up every morning telling yourself that it is a brand new day today and that yesterday is history. Learn from it but don’t let it bring you down.
Block those websites. If you get tempted, go outside and take a walk and put your phone and laptop away. Watch tv or play games. Call a friend. Or come on here and vent! We are listening and we always will and we will you get through your frustrations. One day at a time. If you feel like all your problems are too overwhelming then tackle each problem one by one. Set goals for yourself.
Don’t be afraid to move on and don’t think for a second that the things you’ve done make you a bad person. you are a good person who just did some bad things. We all mess up. We all do bad things. We all fall. It’s how you get back up and keep fighting through it all that makes you who You are.
Your secrets are yours. They are between you and Allah. Aim to better yourself every single day. Smile more often. Make more dua. Donate a bit of money or food everyday. Your past should not determine your future. You can and will find someone (unless this guy is already it) who will appreciate you for who you’ve become, not who you were.
You are not alone. And you will be okay. InshaAllah:)
Sincerely,
NT
Anonymous
Salam,
You have no idea how much I am crying looking at these replies. Wallahi I thank you so much and May Allah bless you for taking your time to talk to me! I am in such a dark place for myself but I am getting a glimpse of light by speaking out here. I am trying to forget the past..I really am. But the man I love and hopefully will marry wont let me forget it. He keeps asking me things that I dont want him to know! digging in the wound I already have. I am so scared of judgement, you have no clue. It makes me feel like my past will haunt me forever and there is no escape! As if the pasts trauma was not bad enough. Now what concerns me is that I lied to him. I told him I only did those nasty things once in the past even though I have done it multiple times… I feel like he is on to me. I am so tired of this and I do not know what to do anymore. If I tell him the truth, I am scared of the consequences… Honestly this anxiety is killing me. You said my past is between me and Allah… that is why I am trying to hide it. But I feel horrible for not telling him. It is like I am living a lie… Sometimes I feel like just saying goodbye even though I know he is a good man and he will lead me in the right direction. But I am very scared of his anger and judgement. On top of that, I dont want him to get hurt! It isnt like I will do those things ever again. My addiction is gone. But dwelling in the past is becoming my downfall now. Someone please help me. Please tell me what should I do. I am not a bad person and I dont want to hurt anyone! But dont I deserve to love as well? Did I ruin my chances at a happy life? And will exposing myself and my shame be my only attempt in becoming accepted?
Anonymous
I hope you have seen how many of us have commented on here praying for your safety, success, happiness, and ultimate contentment. As I read this comments and then go over your post again, I can’t help but think how so many of us are pulling for you even though we have no idea who you are. Just imagine if you were to really tell those closest to you what you were going through, prepare them beforehand of the conversation that you are trying to have with them, and then actually have it. I believe that insha’Allah they would be far more willing to help you through your struggles. Maybe it won’t be your parents right off the bat, but a sibling, a cousin, a very close friend. As others have said, your past and your sins are between you and Allah SWT. He is the ultimate judge. Do istikhara, pray tahajjud, stay in sujud at night and talk to Him, and insha’Allah you will be given the answer of what to do about telling or not telling your fiance about your past. At the end of the day, it is your call, but know that if you sincerely ask for forgiveness from Allah SWT, then no one else needs to know. Focus on the future and let your current and future good deeds help to erase away the past bad ones. None of are perfect, not even any of us commenting here trying to help you. You deserve to be loved, and happy, and cherished, and honored like any other woman. If Allah SWT has concealed your sins for this long, and if you have begged for His mercy and repented, then why should anyone else be given the power to judge you for them? I pray that you find all the love, happiness, safety, companionship, and faith that is possible to endure in your immediate future iA, because I know that all of us here would hate for you to go through anymore pain. Do remember that we are all always here to help, iA.
Praying for you, my dear