Lonely

I am a female freshman college student who is turning 19 in a few short months. I was looking towards a fresh start, and I am still hoping for change, but it has been difficult to change past behaviors that I had in high school. I am very confused about who I am, and what I want to do. I have many questions regarding Islam, and I am not confident about my faith, especially when it comes to regarding women’s rights in marriage, homosexuality, the punishments for theft, fornification, adultery, and apostasy. In addition, I do not  have a healthy relationship with my parents, especially my father, who has been abusive to my mother. Before my college orientation, he got into a fight with my mother. He raised his hand on her, and he also covered her mouth a few times because he did not want to hear her speaking. He kept asking me to hold her back from nagging/complaining. He told me that if I was going to ignore him, then we would all move back to Iran, and he would live separately there from my mother and I. A few moments later, when my mother was saying something again, he came up behind her and covered her mouth. I was horrified. He then turned towards me, and yelled at me that I am always on her side. He yelled that he was not pleased with me, and would curse me to God. As you can imagine, it would make anyone crazy to have to have witnessed something like that, and have to somehow go on like nothing really happened. In addition, I am also struggling more with my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder as I have to use the bathrooms in college. Although I commute, I am at college sometimes for a long time, and I sometimes do my daily prayers there. However, I have a habit of holding myself for as long as I can before I use the bathroom. I try to avoid using it because I take so long in there, about 20, 30, or maybe even 40 minutes. Also, with public bathrooms, I have to bring a water bottle to wash myself since as a Muslim, we don’t just use toilet paper. Anyway, it has been a huge issue for me, and I think about how I want to travel the world, but how can I do that if I have a phobia of bathrooms to the point that I do my business in my pants sometimes rather than just going? A week into college, I lost some hope after the bathroom situation, and I have missed some classes and I am behind on homework assignments. On top of all of this, my mom today talked about how I will be having suitors for marriage, and how some people may make suggestions about possible suitors to her about me. She also told me how my father is my waliye nemat, my “God on earth,” because he provides for me, and how she is my mother and supports me. She told me that I must not talk behind their backs, and to keep my parents’ honor. My mother also told me to show all my positive qualities, and make them big in people’s eyes. That bothers me in a way. I wish to be completely open and honest with my spouse before marriage. As I have seen with my parents, it is a mistake to keep information hidden from a potential spouse, or the person that I am planning on getting married to. My father kept his own OCD hidden from my mom, and I have heard her say that their engagement would have ended, then, had she known about it. I think that two people who are getting married should be realistic, and realize that their spouse is a human being who has negative qualities, or qualities that not everyone may prefer, and be able to talk about these things before marriage. I would definitely tell my future-to-be spouse about my personal qualities, the good and the bad, but I don’t know if it’s right to tell him about the situation between my dad and mom (which does involve me, too), or if that would be violating my parents’ privacy, and since my mom asked me not to tell. Also, I am worried about the topic of marriage right now. I have a lot of personal baggage to sort through first, and I also do not want to sacrifice my dreams for anyone, especially at a young age. I know that all couples make some sacrifices and compromises, but there are some things that I will compromise over, and other things that I won’t. For example, if I marry as an undergrad, I will not limit my graduate school choices to go to the same graduate school as my spouse, or one that is close to his. If I get accepted into my dream school that is offering me a great  opportunity, I would go even if it is in another country, such as Europe, while he is in the US. Similary, I would also want him to follow his dreams and go to the college he most wants to go to; I wouldn’t stand in his way, either, and I would be willing to be in a long-distance relationship during that time period. I am also worried about how I am to know what I want for my future now. I presently do not want biological kids, and I am not sure whether I want to adopt or not. So, I would marry someone who feels the same way. But, what if I don’t find someone who has the same view as I do, since most people seem to want biological kids? And, what if I change my mind sometime after marriage, and decide to have kids, but my spouse doesn’t? Also, I want to travel the world and help people in need, and maybe become an anthropologist. I would be traveling to places, and live in different countries for short periods of time. Anthropologists must somehow be able to marry, but I wonder how that would work out in a marriage.

As Salaam Alaykum

Eid Mubarak. 

Thank you for sharing all that is on your mind. It’s great to hear you articulate so many things with such rich insight into your own struggles, limitations, hopes and desires. While I read all of your words and the many layers of challenges that you perceive before you, I couldn’t help but be struck with how keen your self awareness is and that even in the face of such challenges your ability to have perspective on your own situation is quite impressive and mature. Self awareness doesn’t always mean that you know yourself well and know where you are going or what you are supposed to do. More importantly self awareness is about noticing what is real for you and reflecting on that reality regardless of whether or not you are living in your ideal state. And awareness of your self, and reflection on your current state is the clear path toward growth and success in this life. So, although it may not feel like it to you right now, in essence you are on the right path and doing what you’re supposed to be doing as long as you are taking account of your self and contemplating how you can make positive changes, even if in very small increments.

Change is not always noticeable right away. You have just entered into a brand new chapter of your life which is a big step. College is much different than high school and you are at the beginning of a new journey. As the journey unfolds, your experiences and perspectives will slowly shift and without realizing it, many changes inside yourself will occur that you won’t be aware of until much later down the road. At the same time, you take yourself with you wherever you go. So even though you are in a new environment, it is still a continuation of where you are, slowly working through the same struggles and facing the challenges that you are so familiar with by now. Those challenges are your tests that are given to you to wrestle with in order to learn how to master your self. Look at this new chapter as the next level in your efforts of mastery. You have passed one stage, you managed to successfully graduate high school, get into a university and begin your studies. These are all great succeses that you acheived by managing and balancing all of the challenges that you had all along the way. Take some breaths and give yourself some time to settle in to this new stage. Don’t expect it to all come at once.

All of the answers you are looking for regarding Islam, marriage, your future and your parents are all there waiting for you to discover. However, you may not be able to receive all of those answers at once. They will come when you are ready. The important thing is to find the place inside yourself that is willing to trust that there are in fact answers. That there is in fact a right way and a truth that feels effortless to surrender to. Perhaps that truth hasn’t fully revealed itself to you yet. And perhaps you have been looking in the wrong places. Allah is the Most Merciful and The Truth and The Just. Inside your heart you have a sense of what those qualities are, otherwise you wouldn’t struggle to understand things that don’t seem to be in line with that internal sense. If something doesn’t feel right to you, it is likely that it is not right. However, it may very well be that your understanding of the thing is what is off and not the thing in itself. It is likely that what you have heard about women’s rights in marriage, homosexuality, the punishments for theft, fornification, adultery, and apostasy in Islam is misconstructed and misunderstood, as most people are not scholars. Unfortunately, many misunderstandings and misconceptions of Islam have been widespread by Muslims just as much as by non-Muslims. You have to seek out the real answers and try to discover them for yourself. The guiding light that will help you eventually find the way is your own internal sense of trust in Goodness and patience and steadfastness in believing that Allah is truly the Most Merciful and the Most Wise. If you believe that then you can have faith that all else is either misperception or misunderstanding as to what the wisdom is behind it. So that even when something seemingly bad is happening , you remember that Allah is the best of Planners and that this too is part of His plan, and there is wisdom behind it. 

In regards to your OCD tendencies, I would encourage you to embrace them when they seem to flare up. Allow yourself to take more time in the bathroom. If that is what is there for you right now, accept it. Don’t push it away, lean into it. Give it the attention it is looking for. The more you get flustered with it and wish it wasn’t there the more you let it control you. Just let the OCD be there. Do what you need to do to manage it, but do it with acceptance. It’s part of that self awareness and self mastery. If you have OCD tendancies and that is real for you, then instead of trying to hide it or gettting flustered when it gets in the way, just try being more merciful with it and with yourself in managing it. Be patient with it. Try to deal with the thoughts and behaviors just as they are without attaching meaning to them. If you find that you need to do something a certain way, do it that way and do it with more awareness and acceptance and mercy. Be kind to yourself. Practice loving yourself and imagine Allah loving you even with your OCD. There is no reason that He should love you any less because of those thoughts and behaviors. But you need to open yourself to accepting that love and acceptance. 

I wish and I pray for you to be graced with deep patience and steadfastness in your struggles so that you come to see that it is all worth it and that you begin to taste the sweetness of the truth that you seek. I pray that your parents find ease in their own struggles and that Allah helps them to see through what is in front of them to see that He is there all along. Insha’allah no matter what pressure is put on you for marriage, you will marry the person that Allah knows is best for your path to Him, even when you don’t understand how. In the end your mother doesn’t determine who you marry. Allah is the one who determines. Whether or not your eventual husband feels the same way about travel, education and kids as you, in the end Allah will insha’allah bless you with marriage, education and children if and when He sees fit. It may be that you do not agree with it all, but in fact these things are not for you to determine. So occupy yourself not with the things that are not in your control. Continue reflecting on yourself and continue striving to understand your relationship to Allah. These are worthy efforts. 

Sincerely,

Your brother in Islam,

Fatima Y