Help
Dear, Fatima
First I want to say thanks to all of you guys on this site! You’ve really helped, lots of people and your families are very lucky to have you guys. Anyways, I’m not new to this site I actually have posted but…if needed I’ll say when I’m 16 years old, and I’ve been thinking about a therapist, for a few years now..but I mean I’m not depressed..or anything like that I guess you could say I’m pretty okay, but its just I’m shy I have joined a club but now I’m regretting it (FCCLA) everyone knows everyone and I don’t know, I think of how awkward it’ll be if I tell my mom. My whole family will know! And I don’t want that either. Like, we mkae jokes about it haha go see a psychiatrist then I feel SUPER AWKWARD on the inside. In school I have friends..not in all classes, which is awkward, when they say get in groups and I’m like no! Then I feel lonely and feel like crying and alone I think about this alot, and then I think whats the point of hiring a therapist, really though? Paying money to tell me just do it, when I’ve tried and tried, I can’t. I’m shy but I talk.. please don’t tell me what I already know. Not trying to attack your guys’ profession but you guys atually help, now im going on a rant, and you probably don’t know what I/m trying to say. I’m okay, I guess huh I hate high school, and on top of all this i searched a muslim therapist, guess what? I dont have one! Yay! Not! Now if i do go, I’ll be with a person who doesn’t understand anything about my religion so I can’t use the essential stuff, I need to do. I’m just really tired of this, I know I should pray but I can’t i dont know why, maybe i’m not Allah’s favorite, I know I dont pray so I dont deserve that love, but what ever anyways I’m not sure what to do I’ll start trying to pray for real, I’ll keep you posted, see what I can do from there. Then I feel like if i pray ill become stronger but then ill have tests, i guess i need reassurance from Allah him self, but that can’t happen.. uhg oh one more thing thers not really any muslims i would want to speak with, i just need an outlet, not cutting but like something that releases my internal feelings, i hate writing, this is different of what I’m doing but i need like a do-something-when-i need to- I never thought about that stuff cuz its haram and etc. Any ideas? And tell me what you think please. I just need help.Im not emotional unstable btw just to let you guys know so I dont get the wrong advice, what shoould I do?
Glad I have this site, I think I should tell you guys this again , you guys are awsome and stuff. Just to put a smile for all the hard counseling you guys do!
Asalaamu Alaikum,
Thank you so much for your kind words about how you find this site helpful.
It’s really only possible because of people like you who are brave enough to speak up about what you are struggling with and how you are feeling.
It sounds like you are feeling really alone and that you feel nervous about being accepted and liked.
I think nearly everyone struggles with those feelings at some point in their lives… and they are not fun feelings to have!
When feelings like this stick around for some time, and they start to get in the way of making friends and participating in life, it’s usually helpful to reach out to someone like a mentor or therapist. A good one will try to get to know you and help you figure out the obstacles keeping you from your goals. He/she might also help you brainstorm ways you can overcome them, or teach you skills, or practice what you’d say to that person you want to talk to and make friends with. It’s nice if they really get you and who you are, but that doesn’t mean that the mentor or therapist has to be Muslim.
In the meantime, I do agree you need something to help release some of your pent up feelings. There are some things that help with nervous energy like exercise, knitting, stress balls, making bread, etc., and other things that might start to get at the underlying issues like writing, art, mind mapping, meditation, talking it out, etc. You’re right that cutting and other self-destructive behaviors are not a healthy way to deal with those trapped feelings.
What I’m also hearing in your post, is that a piece of this picture is that you might not feel you are lovable… that perhaps you feel you don’t deserve love and acceptance.
Perhaps it would be helpful to spend some time reflecting on whether you feel that way, and if you do, where does that feeling come from?
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima Z
thatonecatlover
Dear ‘Help’, you amazing person you.
Thank you so much for posting. I cant say this enough. Those of us on StonesToBridges want nothing more but to help others when they’re in a feeling of dismay, and we are overjoyed that you took the time to post this to us.
Being lonely sucks, it really does 🙁 theres nothing I could possibly say that will change that. I was in the exact same situation in my junior year of highschool; where all of my friends were usually in a completely different class from the one I’m in, not really having anyone to talk to, and not knowing what to do when we’re told to partner up and get in groups. The entire feeling is scary. You’re right, its not shyness, it just feels awkward.
For me personally, I couldn’t see myself as being friends with the people in my class. It was nothing against them, but they weren’t the type of people I can see myself pouring my faith, love and trust into. At first, I tried to act as if I didn’t need to speak to anyone. Perhaps it was because I was too afraid to, or maybe it was out of arrogance. Regardless, I still felt lonely, and it would often hurt.
I talked to a friend about how I felt, which ended up turning into a rant about how I’m afraid of how I’ll look or how I’m afraid of how others will view me. The loneliness I felt ended up spreading to other places. At youth groups, I was often alone. In public places, or social gatherings, I would be the isolated one. I guess it was because I was simply different, eventually it got to the point where I would be at the masjid, give Sallaams to someone, and get no response. That feeling hurts, it absolutely does.
But a friend of mine gave me a small bit of advice that literally changed my life forever.
“Dont give a care”.
It sounds uber cliche, yes, but it took me a while to stop and think. Why should I care what others think of me? For what reason do I have to please those around me? So what if someone didn’t like the way I talk, I don’t have to change my accent for them. So what if someone doesn’t like my hair? I don’t have to cut it for them. So what if I look different? Everyone is different.
Once my mindset slowly changed, I gained confidence, which really is the key to everything. In those classes, where I was the lonely one, I didn’t feel like someone left alone on an island, I felt like a normal student in a normal classroom. When I had to group up, I simply did it, confidently, and did my work. I’d often take it a bit further and be the leader of that group. This opens doors for everything, eventually, when people see you have a voice, they WANT to hear you. I’m still as introverted and shy as ever, but that’s no reason for me not to be confident.
Dear Hope, find what makes you confident, and use that to drive you every day. I guarantee you’ll see a change.
As for finding an outlet for your feelings, again, a super cliche answer, but I personally recommend listening to music. In my opinion, when you’re worked up, letting those emotions flow into words is quite possibly the best thing you can do for yourself, and music already has that done in a melodious way. Feeling happy? Sing along to Pharrell Williams’s ‘Happy’. Need a morale boost for the day? Try Hall of Fame by the script. I’m sure theres a song out there that will help you let out your emotions.
Stay strong, and stay awesome. 🙂
~ThatOneCatLover
Anonymous
Salaam walekum:)
Thank you so much for posting. It takes a lot of courage to do what you’re doing. Truly, it does. I know it’s not easy to fit in all the time. I know sometimes that there is turmoil deep inside us that is hard to identify and figure out. There are struggles we all day every day. What makes you different is that you see this and are trying to fix it. And that in itself puts you way way WAY ahead of so many other people. As a 28 year old, there are STILL things that I struggle with today. And honestly, that’s completely okay. It’s a part of life. We struggle to try to make ourselves better and that is what you are doing and it is admirable. It is a reminder to all of us.
I’m glad that you use this site to express what you are feeling. I know you don’t like to write and that’s okay. What DO you like to do? What are your hobbiesv find something that you enjoy doing and perfect it. Practice it and use that as your therapy and your sanctuary. For me, sometimes I like to write. Most of the time, I like to drive. Windows down and wind blowing hehe. 🙂 it ALWAYS helps put my mind at ease.
I know sometimes it may seem like there is no point in praying. It may seem like Allah does not care. But He does. And He cares about ALL of us, including you! Don’t feel like you don’t deserve it. You’re not a bad person and you’re not an insignificant person. We all have a purpose and we all have a reason to be here. Through all these struggles you’re going through, you will discover what that purpose is. All we can really try to do is never to stop learning and striving to be a better person always. Never settle. Always reach for more. Make yourself the best person you can be and don’t hesitate. Have faith in yourself and in Allah.
And when you need a friend or to vent, Stones to Bridges is right here. And we will ALL help you in any which way you seek iit.
Stay strong. Never give up. 🙂
Take care!
Anonymous
Salaam walekum:)
Thank you so much for posting. It takes a lot of courage to do what you’re doing. Truly, it does. I know it’s not easy to fit in all the time. I know sometimes that there is turmoil deep inside us that is hard to identify and figure out. There are struggles we all day every day. What makes you different is that you see this and are trying to fix it. And that in itself puts you way way WAY ahead of so many other people. As a 28 year old, there are STILL things that I struggle with today. And honestly, that’s completely okay. It’s a part of life. We struggle to try to make ourselves better and that is what you are doing and it is admirable. It is a reminder to all of us.
I’m glad that you use this site to express what you are feeling. I know you don’t like to write and that’s okay. What DO you like to do? What are your hobbiesv find something that you enjoy doing and perfect it. Practice it and use that as your therapy and your sanctuary. For me, sometimes I like to write. Most of the time, I like to drive. Windows down and wind blowing hehe. 🙂 it ALWAYS helps put my mind at ease.
I know sometimes it may seem like there is no point in praying. It may seem like Allah does not care. But He does. And He cares about ALL of us, including you! Don’t feel like you don’t deserve it. You’re not a bad person and you’re not an insignificant person. We all have a purpose and we all have a reason to be here. Through all these struggles you’re going through, you will discover what that purpose is. All we can really try to do is never to stop learning and striving to be a better person always. Never settle. Always reach for more. Make yourself the best person you can be and don’t hesitate. Have faith in yourself and in Allah.
And when you need a friend or to vent, Stones to Bridges is right here. And we will ALL help you in any which way you seek iit.
Stay strong. Never give up. 🙂
HA18
salaam my dear!
thanks for posting and i am happy you find this site helpful 🙂
good for you for joining a club! it takes a lot of strength to do something like that especially when you feel awkward about it. it’s definitely tough and i can tell you that i am out of high school now but it doesn’t matter…being alone and introducing yourself to a new social circle where everyone already knows each other is hard. it doesn’t mean you’re bad at socializing or there is something “wrong” with you for feeling nervous and shy. it’s honestly great practice that you took this step to do it. i’m very impressed that you are taking that initiative. inshallah as you keep going, little by little you will feel more and more comfortable. if it helps at all, please know that it’s not just you who feels uncomfortable, but it’s most people who would be in your position. but please know that just because you may feel rejected from certain group settings (such as a few of the classes where you don’t know people, or FCCLA where the people already know each other) that it doesn’t mean you are socially awkward or that there is something wrong with you. There are very few people who have friends in every class or who can go in a new setting and make friends on day 1. Try to set realistic “social goals” for yourself. For example, instead of putting the pressure on yourself that you HAVE to have a friend in every class or in this club, start with the goal such as remembering to smile at those who have brief interactions with you or who look at you, or set a goal of having very small talk with someone whose sitting by you, whether it be something like “hey, i like your shirt” or something like putting your hand up once or twice a week to answer a question or offer your opinion. putting these small goals for yourself will help you not worry about the rest of what everyone else thinks, because you are doing this for you and you are handling some of the social anxiety you have by taking some baby steps.
I hear your point about the therapist not helping. honestly, you may not need a therapist at all. in my non-expert opinion, you are dealing with the things we all deal with as we grow up. I am not trying to belittle what you’re feeling because i know it must be so tough. But I do think you may be a little hard on yourself and are expecting some perfection when it comes to your social life, school, friends, etc. It’s OK to feel socially awkward, it’s OK to be in a setting and feel completely alone. We all may not show it, but we all have those demons inside. You are enough for yourself.
If you don’t like it that much, don’t write or journal. Do you like drawing? Something I like to do is to take a picture and try draw its replica. I find it to be very therapeutic. You can try to draw a friend or a family member and later give it to them as a gift. Having some easy hobby, even if you don’t know what it is yet, is a nice de-stresser. If you don’t know what you like, start with something. You can say that you are going to get a book from your school library and start reading it to see if you enjoy doing that. Or draw, or run on the treadmill. Honestly it just has to be something you do for yourself that doesn’t necessarily have to be a social activity which involves others.
As you know, Allah doesn’t “need” our prayers or remembrance of him. He loves us all too much to be spiteful or try to punish us for not praying or anything else. Even though you may feel disconnected, he is there still taking care of you and ready with arms wide open. You can slowly try to make your way back to Allah. It doesn’t have to be with praying 5 times a day for now, but try to at least talk to him and tell him how you feel.
sending you lots of love. please keep us posted on how you are doing, how the club is going, how school is going, etc.!
FeelTheHeal
Hi Sweetheart,
If you ever have time, scroll through the several posts Dear Fatima section receives. Almost all of them say “I’m 16 years old” in the beginning. That tells you a lot and it sure opened my eyes to a lot: Age sixteen is when you are moving for being a child into adolescence. I wish I had a website like this when I was growing up- I wish I had someone to tell me what I am about to tell you.
There’s a little secret every single one of us keep deep inside ourselves: we are all struggling and fighting our battles. The girl you see in class who has all the friends in the world? She is too. That boy you see who has all the girls running after him? He does too. Some of us, like you, are brave enough to face our inner battle and say “hey, wait a second…what’s going on with me?” and others keep shoving it deep under until they forget about it but later in life it returns. So what you’re doing now, is better- dealing with how you feel awkward.
Awkward is the best- it means you’re not fake, you’re not a people-please and you are looking for a meaningful life. Awkward means you are aware of your surroundings and what people are like. Awkward is also just a short little phase…with some soul searching, you come walking out of that phase feeling free and liberated.
EVERYONE hates high school….even the ones pretending like they’re having the time of their life. What you work towards is college…college is the BEST part of life. It’s where you live like an adult and get to decide who you will become, what profession will become your passion and have fun. Take high school lightly in the sense that don’t stress too much about who you know or how to talk to anyone. Focus on studying, focus on doing well for yourself, be good to your family, and find peace knowing Allah is right there- waiting for your return.
You got this kid. You’re gonna live an awesome life inshaAllah.
Lots of Love.