Balance
Hey everyone, I recently posted about my homosexuality but I just love this website and I wanna say that this will NOT be my last time posting! I have some additional comments on my homosexuality. I feel like I missed some points in my earlier post so I am just going to talk about them here. I feel that I’m abnormal due to my cravings of sexual images and what not. But my biggest problem is loneliness. No one in my family knows about my homosexuality and neither does anyone I know. I just get lonely because I want to address it to at least one of my friends but I feel like none of my friends will take me seriously since they have known me for practically my whole life. The shame is still there and I wanna address it someone but I don’t want anyone to know at the same time. I’m stuck feeling hopeless because I have a slight feeling that if I tell one of my friends they will I’m crazy and will never talk to me again. Also if I do end up telling someone I’m worried if rumors start going around and what not. It would be awesome if I could address it to my mom but my mom is the type of mom that you don’t usually seek advice for these types of matters and she is Arab so I think she will think of it as a disgrace but at the same time she is very gentle so I have no idea as to how she will approach this topic! Help me plz!
Anonymous
Salaam sister,
You have every right to feel lonely and afraid right now! This is a tough spot for anyone to be in, especially someone as young as you are! I love the idea of journaling like another sister pointed out. It could really help you sort out your feelings and iA could increase your iman by making you feel connected to Allah SWT in a very personal way.
I would also recommend that you do extra nafil salawaat with the intention of asking God to help you stay strong and make good decisions. If you feel that it might help, you could also do salaat al istakhara with the intention of asking God whether or not you should speak to your parents about this issue (you may have to do istakhara up to 7 times to come to a solid conclusion).
I hope this helps and you find peace within yourself, iA!
HA18
Salaam sister,
It definitely natural to feel so lonely. You are holding in all these real fears and concerns about something as big as your sexuality, and you can’t talk about it with anyone. I recommend that you do NOT tell your friends. You are right about rumors, and honestly, they probably cannot help besides just being a listener. It is up to you to decide if you should tell your mom. It may not be a bad idea because she can probably support you in some way, such as by paying for a professional like a therapist who could at least guide your thoughts and your development better than the average person. That is a very scary conversation to have with your mom, but it is a risk that you must decide if you are willing to take. It may be easier, if you do decide to do this, to write her a letter and ask her to read it and then come talk to you.
As for dealing with the loneliness…please know that it is not just you who is dealing with something. All of us have these demons inside of us…whether it is our sexuality, a strong desire/maybe addiction to sexual images, a broken heart, fear of money, fear of school, etc. etc., we are all dealing with something and often times we are dealing with it alone. It doesn’t make your problem go away, but please know that you are not alone in feeling lonely. We all feel that way and it is one of the biggest reasons we should all have compassion for one another 🙂
One thing that may help is journaling. I HIGHLY recommend you get some sort of notebook and start journaling to get through these feelings. Since you are someone who cares about Allah swt and is religious, you can address your entries to Allah. Start your entries with “Dear Allah/God/Friend/Whatever you want to call Allah” and just write down everything that comes to mind. Don’t worry about grammar, how it sounds, anything like that, but just write. Allah already knows what is going on, this is your chance to directly write down your thoughts. In journaling, you can try to answer the BIG question here…which is why do I go to see these sexual images? What does it give me? How do I feel before I go see them? How do I feel after?
MashAllah you are very smart and are paying attention to yourself. I am making dua that inshAllah Allah will continue to guide you and help you make realizations. <3<3