genetically born to be a loner?

Dear Fatima, I’m an 18 year old girl and I don’t have real friends. There a group of 7-8 of us in the masjid including my sister who is a few years younger than me. I’m having a really hard time getting along with one of these girls. We literally only say “hi” and “bye” to each other when we meet. And even then it is so fake Fatima. I don’t know how to make her my real friend. She is one of those people that likes to hold everyone’s hands, give lots of hugs and kisses (as a friend of course) and all that stuff. And she shows that affection to EVERYONE in our group, not just one or two people. See, if this affection and holding hands was for a few friends then it would be understandable like okay, she feels closer to them and has more connection. But I have noticed this for months now, everyone is getting this love from her except for me. And if I casually ask her, “do I get one (as in hug or whatever it is)” she ignores me every time. I know for a fact that if I messaged her stating my concern she would reply back to me, don’t know how but she would reply with something. but I feel awkward sharing my concern with her. I think it would sound childish to ask, “why does everyone get hugs, hand holding, kisses and all the love but not me; is everything okay btwn us?” I don’t know Fatima, I’m just so depressed of this habit of hers and being excluded from all the love every time. I feel like i’m a nobody, I’m not worth the love she shares with our other friends. One time, she gave me a card and this I’m directly quoting her words, she said

“I know that sometimes, I don’t act like it, but I really do appreciate our friendship”

Fatima, she wrote this last year and nothing has changed. I don’t want this friendship half way. I can sense that she feels that she isn’t giving me the same love as a friend but it seems like it isn’t a concern for her. For me though, it means the world. I don’t want this friendship half way with half the love. I don’t appreciate our friendship this way. I have no therapist to share this with except for you Fatima, so please advise me, how do I communicate this childish but heart wrenching concern with her? What is the best way? I’m so tired of feeling desperate and unloved in our friendship and I see her almost every day, and can’t control whether we meet or not so I want to improve our friendship.

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As Salaam Alaikum, 

I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I am so happy you wrote in and I hope to be able to answer your post in the most helpful way. 

1. The first step to handling a negative situation is to recognize your reaction. Instead of stuffing your emotions, you need to stop three or four times a day and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Do you feel fear in your chest, betrayal in your heart, anger in your shoulders, gut or head, or humiliation in the pit of your stomach? It takes practice to discern your feelings, but the first step is to identify what emotion has shown up in your body so you can choose what to do next.

2. When you sense yourself shutting down or feeling left out, ask yourself what you believe the person meant to do to you. Did she truly mean to disrespect you, humiliate you, insult you? Your brain works very hard to keep you safe, so it will judge a situation as threatening if there is any possibility of social harm. When you react to a person’s words, ask yourself, “What was the intent of the comment or action? Is it true they meant harm? Is it true that others will agree and judge me negatively because of their words or actions?”

3. When our brains sense a possible threat, we react as if we were personally attacked, meaning we take things too personally by nature. Take a breath to relieve the stress and ask, “Was she intentionally leaving me out?” If you aren’t sure, take another breath and feel it enter your stomach. This will ground you in the present and take you out of your chattering mind. If you can, look the person in their eyes. Then ask yourself the questions in point #2 to determine if the remark was a personal attack that needs to be addressed or just a misunderstanding you can live with.

4. Some people will like you. Others will not. Will the person’s judgment of you impact your life? If not, what can you do to release your need to be liked or even respected by this person? And, what can you do to stay neutral and not return the dislike? The more you can come to accept others as who they are, to resist fixing them or changing their opinions, and to listen with patience and compassion, the more you can move forward with your goals regardless if someone likes you or not.

5. When you dismantle your personal censor you can achieve your highest potential. Rise above the discord by mentally forgiving the person for not appreciating what you contribute and forgiving yourself for reacting with fear or anger.

If even after you’ve gone through these points on your own and you still feel sad by what she is doing, then sit down with her. Talk to her and tell her very openly and calmly that how she treats you, hurts you. Often people do not realize the impact of their words or actions. You will feel better if you discover they meant no personal harm. Go into this with the understanding that she may not change and things might continue the way they are and that is OK. 

Perhaps now might even be a good time for you to seek new friends. You are 18 you are probably starting college soon – which means you will be stepping into many new circles and you might find new friends who you will connect with and that will respect you for you. Do not let one person dictate your happiness –  only you can do that. As you continue to seek new friends also try the following activities to help keep yourself grounded.

1. Seek help from a professional. You mentioned you dont have one, find one and start seeing them maybe once a month. A professional therapist can help you learn how to deal with these emotions and give you tools that will allow you to become stronger and love yourself for who you are. 

2. Pray, talk to Allah and seek His guidance and love. Build your own relationship with Him. He will respond. “And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.”” {40:60} Mediating will help you stay in the moment and keep yourself balanced.

3. Excercise, run, walk, join a 5K, whatever it is, be active. Being active will release happy endorphins into your body and will help overcome small trials. 

4. Get involved in volunteering at a local shelter or community center. You will be able to meet new people and possibly new friends. You will also be doing something good for others and for yourself. 

Good luck, inshaAllah with Allahs help you will get through this. These are important nights upon us in this very Blessed month. Take this time to reflect on yourself, your relationships and life in general. InshaAllah you will find guidance and relief. 

Sending duas,

Your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima X”

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As salaam alaykum

It’s hard to live with a feeling that you are not loved and appreciated. Out of all of the things we desire as human beings, the most central thing we all want is to be loved and accepted. And yet we are often in situations that challenge that and make us feel rejected, unappreciated or overlooked. It’s a challenge to get that need for love and acceptance met on a regular basis, or sometimes at all. Especially when we look to other people to fulfill that internal need.

Ultimately, in the bigger picture our goal is to focus more on receiving the Love and Acceptance from Allah. Because He is the source of Love and therefore can give it to us more perfectly and more consistently than anyone. It’s also more important that Allah sees us for our true selves and knows our internal beauty than trying to get others to see it who have imperfect vision and are not able to see into the true nature of your heart all the time. So the deeper answer is to turn your neediness toward Allah and try to cultivate a habit of looking to Him for love and acceptance more. It is a more sustainable source for getting that need met. 

We need to rely more on Allah, but we also do need people in our lives.My suggestion is that you talk to your friend about your feelings face to face. I understand that messaging is a common mode of communication these days, however in instances like these, where you are needing an emotional connection to a human being, it is best to do it in person. The reason for this is that the phone can act as a wall in between you and your friend that lets both of you hide from the raw reality of your heart to heart connection. That may provide a certain sense of safety and protection from the fear of rejection and disappointment, but it also bars you from accessing the intimate, loving friendship connection that you long for. There is a reality to face to face interaction that enacts empathy, compassion and care which may otherwise not be present through other means of communication. When two hearts are in the same vicinity and you can look into the eyes of the other much is communicated without words. You may find that your friend can feel where you are coming from just simply by being open, honest and real with her about your feelings. Although it is sometimes hard to do and takes courage, the more you get it out in the open the less you will have to carry around this burden of heartache. Given your friend’s card to you, it seems clear that she does indeed value your friendship. I would imagine that if she were to know how you’re feeling she would want to at least make an effort to help resolve it with you. That’s what friends are for.

In the end what her response is is not of primary importance, as it is something you do not have control over. Insha’allah she will respond with love and compassion. But either way you will have taken the right steps to manage your emotions and cultivate a healthy relationship. Beyond that, you have to find ways to get your needs met from a sustainable source. We thrive on love and we need a lot of it. A lot more than any one person can give. Friends should be love supplements, with the main source of love that we look to being Allah.

In dua for your friendship and for your increased ability to receive the Love and Compassion of Allah.

Sincerely,

Your brother in Islam,

“Fatima Y”