Feels like too much

Dear Fatima,

I’m an 18 year old girl and my relationship, similar to the previous post, has also gone down with my father. However, this time it is mainly my fault, Fatima, its my fault, and that is why i’m crying as I write this. See, my dad overreacts to EVERYTHING, doesn’t matter what it is. I understand, he is father and he will do that if something goes wrong. So what do I do? I avoid bringing up matters and showing him things that will cause him to overreact because what happens when I do that is he overreacts. And then his overreaction makes me rude and disrespectful towards him. I don’t say any curse words, I just talk back and astaghfirullah, I even raise my voice. I know its such a bad thing so like I was saying, I avoid bringing up matters that I know he will overreact to because when he overreacts he threatens me, yells, and then I talk back and the fight goes on.  But today was beyond terrible. My brother is little, he doesn’t understand anything, and he ALSO overreacts (so amazing :'( ) And I usually keep things away from him as well because when he see’s or hears something, who is the first person he shares with? My dad. And today, he yelled out loud after seeing a crack in my phone and then the pattern started all over again. I have tried so hard Fatima, to keep my phone away from my family’s eyes because I know if my brother saw it, he would go crazy and tell my dad. And my worst fears just came to life. Now we are all in a giant fight, I’m sitting here crying, my Dad thinks I’m a terrible child, and the worst thing is that it is Ramadan. Thank God this didn’t all break down while I was fasting, I honestly lost myself in this fight. I have a very hard time controlling my temper when and voice when my dad overreacts and threatens me, but Fatima, I’m losing control. Every time, I try to avoid this break down from happening, it happens again. I don’t have the money or time to find a professional therapist. Please help me, I have come here as a last resort and I don’t want to keep crying and cutting myself anymore, I love my dad but I’m tired of this mess, of this giant wall that always lingers between us. I’m tired and scared Fatima, I’m tired and scared that my Ramadan will be gone but if there is one thing that this Ramadan won’t take away, it will be this giant wall of fear and fighting between us. Please help

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As Salaam Alaykum

Ramadan Kareem. 

It’s really tough to be caught in these type of family drama cycles. And it’s unfortunate that it has to continue during this holy month, when we are supposed to be connecting deeper to our deen and our connection with Allah. And yet life goes on. Emotions still exist and relationships patterns ensue. All of the challenges of the rest of the year are still present. But what is special about this month and what makes Ramadan truly Kareem, generous, is that there are doors open to us that we don’t have access to at other times of the year. The thing is, we have to make an effort to access the blessings in this month. Otherwise all we get is hunger and increased irritability and disappointment that things don’t feel like they’re different or changed.

Clearly there is an ongoing relationship dynamic between you and your father that you will have to navigate beyond this month. However, you have an opportunity to use this time to deepen your understanding of what you are responsible for and to make efforts to counteract some of the patterns that transpire within these fights with your father. The month of Ramadan won’t dissolve the problem or remove the obstacle, but it does provide an opening for you to receive more strength, courage and wisdom in approaching the situation and growing in it.

One of the important aspects of this month is taking the time and effort to exert our will power for the sake of Allah. To be disciplined about our desires and impulses for the purpose of refining ourselves and being more conscious and deliberate about guarding against harmful behavior and indulgence of our nafs (the part of our self that want things to be a certain way). Or in other words to be more in control. 

You say you feel like you are losing control and that you have a hard time controlling your temper when your dad overreacts. That is a good observation. It means that you are accepting responsibility for your emotional state of being. You could have said that your father makes you lose control by overreacting. And it would be easy to see how that would seem to be true. It does sound like your father has a hard time expressing his own emotions in a productive way and allows anger and aggression to overtake at times. This is his responsibility to work on that harmful behavior and to control his nafs. You can’t change that part. He needs to. Your job is to manage your own emotions and regulate your self so that you are not triggered by his reactions. In essence, to be more in control of yourself, so that whatever he is doing you are aware of yourself and owning what is yours. This is a very hard thing to do. We often get triggered by those closest to us and others’ behavior can set off a chain reaction in us that leads us down a path of reaction that we are not proud of. It is possible however to be more in control of our behavior, regardless of outside triggers, by consciously regulating our inner state. If we are not consistently regulating our inner state we are easily pushed off center and we become reactionary to every external situation. The goal is to become more familiar with your self by cultivating a sense of peace in your own heart more often, so that you have a source to tap into when needed and are more in control over yourself and your emotional reactions.

The way this is done is by practicing. If you practice being at peace every day then you are better able to get back to a place of peace when things knock you off, because it’s familiar. But if you never cultivate that experience than you are without control and are subject to all of the negativity that surrounds you at any given time. Therefore, prayer and remembrance of Allah becomes a protection for you. That protection against negativity both within and without will increase with practice, ie: discipline and consistency.

Ramadan gives you an opportunity in two major ways. The first is that it gives you a time to practice disciplining yourself to control your impulses and setting a framework for increased ibada; worship practices. All of the practices of worship in Islam are prescriptions for disciplining the self and increasing control over our nafs, and our impulses and reactions. Salat, zikker, fasting, giving to charity, reading Quran – all of these things are like medicine for our impatient, unsatisfied, reactionary selves. The more we do them with sincerity the more peace and self control we attain. And the second opportunity that Ramadan provides is that all of our efforts in this month toward these goals are made easier and the reward is multiplied. Allah opens things up during this month so that it is easier for us to exert our will than any other time during the year. Just think of all of the Muslims who are able to fast for this entire month, where usually many of them simply would not have the self discipline or inner strength to do so. There is something special about this time so it is wise to make use of it to your advantage by making extra effort. 

Now is a perfect time to consciously practice controlling your reactions to your father’s overreacting. Spend time praying to Allah and remembering Him in your heart. Sit with yourself and breathe slowly while you focus your attention internally. Try not to pay attention to your thoughts and just focus on your heart and remember Allah in that place. This practice will build more capacity to stay focused on what is important and give you more control over your self.

Cutting is a way of avoiding a deeper inner pain by distracting yourself with a more accute surface pain. It is a dangerous practice that really needs to be addressed by a professional that can help you to make sure you keep yourself safe. There are many ways of replacing the release that you get from cutting with a more productive and safe way of finding immediate relief from inner pain. A therapist can help you develop some effective tools that not only keep you from cutting but that can help you diminish and eventually be free from the inner pain that is driving that behavior. Much of what I am suggesting above will also help with that, but it takes commitment and self discipline which we don’t always have a lot of. That is why it is important to call on people for help. I encourage you to use the resources on this website to find help and contact us for options even if finances feel like an obstacle.

Ramadan Kareem. Be sure to avail yourself fully of the generosity of this month. The effort you put in will be returned with great reward insha’allah.

Sincerely,

Your brother in Islam,

“Fatima Y”