me and my dads relationship

me and my dads relationship

I am a 16 year old Muslim girl and I have been going through some tough times. Me and my dad used to be really close, but after a while things went downhill and our relationship slowly crashed. In elementary school my dad and mom were going through a lot they have been fighting since then. I found out what my dad did and I couldn’t ever look at him the same way ever again. I was so worried about my parents and I  thought their relationship was falling apart because of me and my grades, and that really affected me. I was so worried that I would forget about school. After a while me and my dad stopped talking and so did my parents. My dad found out I was doing really poor in school, and he got really angry and started abusing me and it only made it harder for me to focus at school or anything. I would go nights without sleeping or eating, and not doing homework. I couldn’t focus in school and I also dreaded going home. Me and my dad’s relationship went from great to horrible, I couldn’t stand him and he couldn’t stand me. I used to think it was because he was angry because of his relationship with my mom, but then I also thought it was probably because maybe I do suck. I thought I sucked because my dad used to tell me “I wasn’t going to go anywhere in life, I wasn’t going to make it to college or graduate high school, and nobody would ever love me because i’m stupid, and disgusting” after a while I started believing everything he said because I couldn’t think of a reason why my own dad would lie to me. So I started agreeing with him, and this only made me even more angry and i started purposely bruising, and cutting myself I also tried taking my own life ….its been a while since that, but sometimes i think about trying to hurt myself again I feel like I have turned away from Islam, because of what I did I don’t know where to go from here I want to stop these thoughts from coming back.

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As Salaam Alaikum,
I feel terrible that you are going through some very difficult times. I am so happy that you reached out to us and I will do my best to provide some help for you. 
First I highly suggest you talk to your mother, and let her know you’d like contact a professional therapist in your area. Speaking to a professional therapist face to face will bring you much help. They will be able to help you address your problems regain your self confidence and make sure you are safe and keep those unwanted thoughts of suicide or cutting away. 
Second, if you are in danger (your father abusing you or you feeling like you want to take your life) please contact the following hotlines immediately. NDV: http://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 NSPL: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 1 (800) 273-8255. Verbal or physical abuse is not ok nor is it your fault. Please contact authorities if you are in danger. 
I am so sorry your relationship with your father has gone down hill. It seems like whatever your father may have done has created a lot of tension in your family and it is certainly not the responsibility of the children to have to deal with what the parents are going through. It is not  your job to worry about their marriage, its is their responsibility to make sure you are loved and safe in their home. It is not your fault that they are going through a rough time, it is also not your fault that they are letting their troubles out on you. Your father maybe under a lot of pressures, but that gives no parent the right to insult their child. All children should only feel love from their parents. Abuse is a violation of a person’s human rights. It follows a pattern of behavior that is used to gain or maintain power and control over another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound another person. In Islam, abuse is not tolerated on any level, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) reminds us “Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” (Al-Bukhari)
1. You are a beautiful person, and you are worth it. You are worth the creation of Allah and therefor you are a beautiful person. Never let anyone convince you otherwise. Every day try to say three things (different each day) that are positive attributes about yourself. Help yourself grow in your own skin outside of your family.
2. Talk to your parents – sit down with your father or write him a letter explaining to him how his comments make you feel. If that doesn’t work, express this to your mom. Let them know that you are not happy. Tell them specifically what they say that hurts and exactly how it makes you feel. Remain calm and make your point clear.
3. Again, this is very important: talk to a professional. I know it may not seem like it would help, but a professional therapist can help gain tools to move forward. 
4. Pray. You mentioned you’ve turned from Islam, but go back. Talk to Allah. Build a new relationship. Tell Him everything. Let Him, the ultimate helper, help you. He is there for you – and He will only try you with situations He is certain you can overcome. You can overcome this: Allah does not impose on any self any more than it can stand. For it is what it has earned; against it, what it has merited. Our Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make a mistake! Our Lord, do not place on us a load like the one You placed on those before us! Our Lord, do not place on us a load we have not the strength to bear! And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy on us. You are our Master , so help us against the people of unbelievers. (Surat al-Baqara, 286)“O’You who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salaat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with As-Sâbirin (the patient ones, etc.). (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:153)
Self-harm is a very serious issue that I sincerely pray you seek help for. Just like any addiction when the “triggers” come back, the cravings do too. Harming yourself may feel like an addiction. You want to stop, but you don’t know how. Or you may feel like you can’t because it’s the only thing keeping you from completely breaking down. Cutting is a way of expressing and dealing with deep distress and emotional pain. As counterintuitive as it may sound to those on the outside, hurting yourself makes you feel better. The problem is that the relief that comes from self-harming doesn’t last very long. It’s like slapping on a band-aid when what you really need are stitches. It may temporarily stop the bleeding, but it doesn’t fix the underlying injury.
Find new coping techniques: Self-harm is your way of dealing with feelings and difficult situations. So if you’re going to stop, you need to have alternative ways of coping in place so you can respond differently when you start to feel like cutting or hurting yourself.
Alternative ways to deal:
Paint, draw, or scribble on a big piece of paper with red ink or paint 
Express your feelings in a journal 
Exercise vigorously—run, dance, jump rope, or hit a punching bag 
Squeeze a stress ball or squish Play-Doh or clay 
Play with / be around children and or babies
Volunteer your time at a homeless shelter or senior living home. 
Know you are not alone (And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.”Quran 40:60). 
InshaAllah these suggestions will bring you some ease. 
Sending lots of duas to you
Sincerely
Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima X”
**Note from StB Admin: We invite you to check out other posts on the site to see that you are not alone.  In addition to the responses to your post, you may also benefit from the user community’s supportive comments and “Fatima” counselor responses previously offered.

Here is also an article you might find beneficial:
If you are in danger, please contact the following hotlines immediately.
NDV: http://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224
NSPL: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 1 (800) 273-8255.

12 thoughts on “me and my dads relationship”

  1. haniyyaht

    Salaam,

    I am so thankful that you reached out for help and that you understand that you don’t have to deal with this by yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through so much at home. What I have found to be helpful when I hear a lot of negatives from others is to put blockers up when you hear those negative, demeaning things. You know yourself best, you know you’re worth it, you know you’re important, beautiful, and strong. You know that those are the facts. However, it’s easy to start to believe the untruths when they’re constantly thrown at you, so it’s important that you constantly remind yourself of the good in you and there is definitely good in you. And when it’s hard for you to remember that there is good in you, remember that Allah (swt) still believes in your worth no matter what.

    May He help you get through this and become a stronger person on the other side. After every hardship comes ease, so it will definitely get better.

  2. Anonymous

    It’s so great that you reached out and also that you are ready to get additional ongoing help from a professional counselor. If you’d like Stones to Bridges help you to find a local therapist, please complete the Contact Us form by clicking on the link at the bottom of the website.

  3. Anonymous

    Salaam sweetie,

    Like the others have posted, I truly sympathize with your struggles. I’ve had a similar experience with an older male relative, though definitively not as severe as your experience. I was surprised by the effect his words were having on me. I hated going home, and would stay away as long as I could. When I was home, I would confine myself to my room. I eventually moved out, giving him what I thought he wanted, but the verbal abuse continued through text messages. What’s worse, we shared relatives and it seemed that no one cared or tacitly condoned his behavior, and I just distanced myself from my family. I was in my 20s and it sounds like I had more independence than you, so I know it’s probably harder for you in your situation.

    Some words of wisdom (if you can call it that) from my experience:

    *There is no rationalizing the abuse you are experiencing. It’s not you, or your grades, or money, or whatever excuse someone can make up. Your dad has his own emotional problems, and they would still exist even if you weren’t around.

    *It really helps to have someone to confide in, even if they can’t do anything to solve your problems. Sometimes it’s a relief to have the assurance that your dad is acting unhinged and you are having a normal response by being emotionally affected by his actions.

    *Don’t feel guilty to report him to the authorities. He’s an adult and should know better than to abuse you. He’s responsible for his own actions. And you never know, it might force him to address his problems rather than taking it out on you. Right now he has no incentive to change. He’s not going to magically change one day.

    *Get a job, join an afterschool activity, and stay away from the house as much as possible. And when the opportunity arises, move out. This might sound like blasphemy depending on your cultural upbringing, and it might be hard to leave your mom behind, but for your emotional well being, it’s necessary. You can do this. In time, inshaAllah, the memory of your dad’s abuse will sting less, but you will never forget. And you will eventually be able to help your family once you are safe, but you can’t do that if you are also drowning.

    I often look to the struggles the Prophets (peace be on them) as solace. They also went through their share of pain and rejection of family- just look at the Prophet Yusuf. His brothers abandoned him, and even years after this they still spoke ill of him. I would recommend reading surah yusuf, or rereading it.

    Always trust in Allah that he has a better plan for you. Have patience, even if you don’t feel like you don’t have hope. I pray that you will be helped in some way from the advice givenin this forum.

  4. HA18

    It sounds like you feel like since you’ve done stuff like cutting or have had suicidal thought that now Allah will never take you back. You may feel like you’ve sinned too much. This is shaitan trying to keep you off track. Yes, we hear all the time about how Allah does not love sinners. But do you know who Allah loves more? Those who repent. This does not have to mean that you will turn from black to white and immediately become somebody else. But it does mean that you will absolutely refuse to let go of Allah. You will ask Allah to help you as you try to get through this struggle you are facing in your life. YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this, unfortunately. As human beings, we all make mistakes and unfortunately sometimes end up being an abuser or a victim of abuse. You deserve to get out of this and live the beautiful life soaking in the love and blessings Allah has for you. Don’t try to do this alone, reach to Allah, consider this step one in your journey, and try to talk to someone. You deserve it! Sending loads of love and dua your way <3<3

  5. Anonymous

    Assalamu alaikum

    I am so sorry to hear of your hard times. Being a teenage Muslim girl is difficult itself without additional stress. Allah truly loves you as he tests those He loves the most. He, the Almighty believes in you and therefore is testing you. You can overcome the darkness iA. We are here for support .

    I know two great young women counselors who would be more than happy to help you during this difficult time.

    Please contact me and iA we can get you into a happy place! I have trust you can! 🙂

    • Anonymous

      Wasalaam.
      Thank you for the support I really appreciate it. I would really like to go to a counselor and get better. iA they will help me out. Once again thank you so much. 🙂

      • Anonymous

        It’s so great that you reached out and also that you are ready to get additional help from a professional counselor. If you’d like Stones to Bridges help you to find a local therapist, please complete the Contact Us form by clicking on the link at the bottom of the website.

  6. Anonymous

    Salam, love. Your post brought tears to my eyes because they remind me of myself ten years ago, when I was also a young teenager and dealing with the aftermath of my parents’ terrible marriage and its eventual implosion. I, too, felt hopeless and anxious, and coped with it for years through self-loathing and OCD tendencies. Parents are supposed to be their children’s pillars of stability, but sometimes their lives are simply too miserable and children end up absorbing so much of the turmoil and stress. Please, please, please – take it from someone who has been there – you must know, understand, internalize that YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING and it will get better. There is only ONE of you in the whole wide world, there will only ever be one of you, past or future, and aside from Allah, the biggest asset you have is YOURSELF, so be kind to yourself as you would to a friend going through what you are going through. Be compassionate and empathetic and loving to yourself, like Allah is to His creation. This is the mantra that I repeat when I start to feel old feelings of anxiety, loathing, perfectionism, pessimism creeping back – I remind myself that how can I be kind to others if I am not kind to myself? It has to start with yourself. A book that really helped me is Compassion and Self Hate by Dr. Theodore Rubin. Please read it. I will be keeping you in my duas. Wish I could hug you, just as I wish I could hug my younger self, and say it’s all going to be okay.

  7. Anonymous

    You are brave. You are beautiful You are worthy of love. I’m so proud of you for sharing this — it is not easy to talk about. But talking about it and seeking help is the first step towards learning tools on how to deal with trials in life. Please remember — i have not met you, but I love you as a fellow human being and I’m rooting for you to gain strength and carry on.

  8. Anonymous

    I am so sorry that you’re going through this sister, and so proud of you for reaching out. Its takes a lot of strength and courage for you to reach out to someone, so kudos to you! You will be kept in my thoughts and prayers, and always remember: everything always happens for a reason, and God is the best of planners. You WILL make it through this, inshaAllah 🙂

  9. Anonymous

    As Salaamu Alaykum,

    Remember that life is between you and your Creator. Your parents are here only as a way of guiding you and you should remember that Allah will guide you even after they’re gone, Insha’Allah. Don’t allow things in the world to bring you so low at such a young age. You still many year left and it is better to just breathe and understand that this will all eventually pass and you will feel better. Just make dua that Allah opens the right doors and keep moving. I will keep you in my duas Insha’Allah. This life will become beautiful… Just give it time and pray about it.

    As Salaamu Alaykum

  10. FeelTheHeal

    Hi Sweetheart,
    You know I often read posts here and don’t feel the pain because most posts have a very simple solution in my eyes. I read your post and my heart genuinely ached for what you go through. It’s not easy but thank you so much for finding the strength to write about it.
    You know what gives me hope is that once upon a time, you and your dad were close. Had you never been close, it might have been harder to find a way. I am not sure what you discovered about your father, and I am sure it must have been hurtful but you must, absolutely must realize that Allah created humans…and humans make mistakes. We are not the angels, Allah created Angels and they never disobey or do wrong. Your father made a mistake then, whether he realizes it or not. Allah saw it, Allah knows it and Allah will take care of the part where your father has to either realize and repent or pay for the pain he brought on you and your mother. Make this your step one- to let go of what you found out. It is not for you to resolve or repay…it is a situation between a husband and a wife.
    Secondly, regarding the arguments and relationship you have with your father today is clearly a result of what you found out and how you started feeling towards him. He was close to you when you knew nothing and you loved him- without judging him. Now you judge him. And in return, he wants to make you feel like you are wrong so he makes everything else about you wrong too.
    Yes, he is a father but inside that man is a little boy who grew up with his own struggles. There’s a husband who lived with his own insecurities. There is a father who knows he lost his daughter’s respect and love (whether he knows about what you know or not). All this bring pain on him and in return he unleashes the pain on others. Men don’t handle pain too well. He couldn’t have written his pain as beautifully as you did to us. They need help…even fathers.
    Sweetheart, look at your father and realize he has a storm within himself. Don’t take his words to heart. Stop today, right now. ENOUGH! Your worth is in your hands. If you allow others (even if it be your own father) to make you feel bad enough to hurt yourself, you will hurt yourself until the end of time. There’s mean people out there- everywhere. You have to learn how to find yourself through your OWN eyes ….stop listening to what anyone else says unless it’s worth your while.
    Reach out to your father, when he yells – just let him. When he calms down give him a hug…he needs somebody to love him , to make him feel worthwhile again. Don’t get angry- treat him as you would treat someone who is ill. Anger responded with Anger only results in a volcano eruption. Be the calm of the storm, be the one your parents find comfort with, be the smile they need in their life, and trust me you will find so much peace within your own heart.
    Lastly, I’m going to say this to you in simple terms. Stop Hurting Yourself. Who is in pain when you cut yourself or try to take your life? You. Who is at loss? You. Who gets to move on and live happy? The rest of the world. Stop wasting your beautiful life on negative thoughts and activities. Please just stop. You are WORTH this life, that is exactly why Allah gave it to you. You ARE strong enough to handle what Allah has given you as a test, that’s why you are here. Come out stronger, prove the demons wrong. Show everyone what you’re made of!
    You’re worth every minute of this beautiful life. Go take a shower, do wa’du, read namaz….look into the mirror and tell yourself “I’m done being sad. This is my life, and I’m going to have a good time with it”.