emotional attachment issues

Dear Fatima, I’m an 18 year old girl and I’m struggling from sadness and loneliness due to emotional attachment issues. My cousin comes over every few weekends and we are just about the closest friends in the world, it just that she doesn’t stay with me, she stays at my uncle’s house. Obviously it is too much to ask for her to stay the whole summer at my place due to her job and stuff but when she left today after the long weekend, I felt a very strong surge of emptiness and loneliness that may be considered depression.

There are 2 things to remember about the context of this issue, since I can’t pray right now, I have been feeling very restless and my connection to people has been up and down as always but my connection to Allah at this point is weak. Second of all, I just had my high school commencement last night and now that I’m done with school and into summer, I’m finding it extremely hard to be productive and use my time wisely.

So with these 2 factors in mind and her leaving, I’m feeling very,very sad Fatima. She is like a soul mate, we share like everything together but I think i’m becoming more attached to her than she is to me. I don’t know how to distract my mind and soul, they seem to be circling around her presence and absence when in reality my real attachment should be with Allah SWT. Please help, all advice is appreciated.

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As salaamu alaykum

First of all, Congratulations on your graduation! That is a big achievement and an exciting doorway to a new future. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot at the moment. And it also sounds like you are really keyed into what the issue is and even what it’s solution is. You said the sadness and loneliness that you’re struggling with is a result of emotional attachment issues, I’d say that sounds extremely accurate. And you also insightfully said that you know that your real attachment should be to Allah SWT, so you know already what the solution is. The hard part is getting through these tough spots, having patience and continuing  to strive toward those ideals.  

The fact that you are very much in a transitional period in your life, having just graduated yesterday, is a very justifiable and common reason to be feeling anxiety about where your supports are and needing some comforting attachments. Major life changes are the most common causes of depression and anxiety, and graduating from high school is right up there with the most major life change. So most of all my advice would be to go easy on yourself, give yourself some mercy and allow some time to adjust to this new development. A certain amount of worrying, sadness and loneliness is ok and is natural in this context.

If you feel like the level of sadness and loneliness is getting to the point that it interferes with your daily functioning, then there are some things you can do to keep from letting that spiral out of control and work toward a better place in yourself: 

– Having someone to talk to whom you can share deep feelings with and will accept you in a non judgmental way can be really helpful in untangling possible misunderstood feelings or fears that have taken on too much life in your mind. If you do not have anyone other than this close cousin, then perhaps a counselor can help if you can find access to one. 

– In the event that you cannot find a counselor or person to express feelings to, a journal can help you sort out some of your feelings, just by getting them out of your head and onto paper, as a release and a way of getting some distance from the patterns of thinking.

– Keeping yourself busy with a task or project can also be useful in channeling your energy toward a productive goal. Once your mind is occupied with this , it often becomes easier to get a handle on your emotions and relieve the sense of loneliness and despair.

– Another good option for keeping your self active is physical exercise. This is a great way to release emotional tension while at the same time attaching yourself to a goal and enacting your will.

As you said, ultimately your goal is to be attached to Allah SWT. This is no easy task and it is really a lifelong goal. The idea is to keep working toward increasing your closeness to Allah and attaching your heart to Him. The best way to do this is by continuing to remember Him and establishing ibada. Establishing does not mean doing it perfect all the time or always being in the right space. It means establishing a line of connection or communication so that you have access when you need it most. We will always go back and forth as our emotions wax and wane and our iman ebbs and flows. You just need to keep striving toward the goal of being attached to Allah SWT, and along the way give yourself mercy and be patient. Insha’allah this time will pass and you will soon find yourself in a place where you are feeling strong in yourself and occupied with the new chapter before you.

in dua,

your brother in Islam

“Fatima Y”

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As Salaam Alaikum,

Im sorry you are going through a rough time right now. I know just how you feel when you feel so disconnected from Allah and things that don’t tend to impact you are now weighing in a lot harder and stronger. You have a lot going on in your life – graduating is a huge milestone! Congratulations!! Often times when we finish something like high school, college or even a career we can be left feeling confusion and loneliness because the future though may have a path is not as certain as the routine we had for the past 4 plus years.  A few things I’d like to suggest you try out and I am hoping in time will bring you comfort and allow you to get back on solid ground.

1. Seek out a professional therapist in your area. Therapists are not only for people who have severe problems but can be utilized for daily activity. It is very easy to get caught up in the daily grind that we can often neglect emotions and like a wave in the ocean can overcome us and knock us down. Speaking to a professional therapist will help you keep up with your emotions and help you take on all challenges that come your way with ease.

2. When you can’t pray try to meditate and do dhikr. Invoke Allah and he will respond. Dhikr can help build a spiritual bond between you and Allah – and when you cannot pray, it can really bring comfort and closeness to Allah. Also try to sit in sajda for a few minutes a day and talk to Allah. Build a relationship with Allah that is outside of prayer. Talk to Allah. 

“And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.” 40:60

“O you who have faith! Remember Allah with frequent remembrance, and glorify Him morning and evening”. 33:41-42

3. Now that you are free during your Summer break before you start college or career try to get involved in extracurricular activities such as volunteering at a Homeless Shelter, or with Organizations that help homeless/abused people. Paint, exercise or just be outside as much as possible. Painting, music, running, and the sun all release happy endorphins into our bodies and help regulate our mood.

4. Your relationship with your cousin sounds very special and I think its great that you are close to your cousins. Cousins are excellent friends! However, it is important to keep your identity in these relationships. You are an important individual. You bring value to all relationships you have. Keep your relationship with your family close but do not allow yourself to rely on them for your happiness. Only you can bring you your happiness.

Loneliness is a state of mind and can cause people to feel empty alone and unwanted. Often times you want more time with people but your state of mind can hinder that making you feel more lonely. Try focussing on developing quality relationships with people who share similar attitudes, interests and values with you. Focus on your thoughts when you are with people and alone. Meditating will help you be in the moment and helps you control your thoughts so that you are only thinking positive thoughts. 

I pray this helps and wish you the best. If you need more help feel free to reach out again. We are here to help 

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam

“Fatima X”