dealing with pathetic and terrible parents (need help right away)

Dear Fatima, I’m a teenage girl and my parents are killing my soul. They can’t think of one damn thing that is good about me. All they see is that I’m a terrible person. Imagine that every time someone said something bad about you, your parents reaffirmed that in your face. Today I volunteered somewhere and someone told me that I wasn’t good enough and wasn’t doing my job. Then they later called and said I didn’t do anything wrong, I just need to be proactive but what makes me so upset is that I need to prove this to my parents. They don’t see anything good in me in the first place, I have  to PROVE it to them, my parents for God sakes, that I am not a bad person. how terrible is that?

See, my dad, who was supposed to be in the bathroom, overheard the whole conversation and repeated it to my mom when we came home, thinking he was being cool. I have posted on stones to bridges before and every time I’m told not to let his terrible demons let me down and to continue to pray to Allah and bond with Him but Fatima, I swear, the bruises have piled too high.  It is not just this incident that he has ripped me to shreds. It happened on a trip over the last vacation too. There he said some words such as “no I don’t love you” and “I hate you”. Hearing them, especially from your father can never be healed. I know how a father can hate his own daughter first hand.  without any emotion, just a slight anger, he said this and I don’t know why but I looked up to him always and he just knew how to perfectly shatter me straight down my throat. I drive a car, with him (may Allah protect me) and he tells me every damn time, “you don’t generate confidence”, “you are not good at all”. Fatima, please help, I’m on the verge of a very terrible meltdown

As Salaam Alaikum,
I am so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. You should never have to live in a situation where you don’t feel comfortable or loved. These teenage years is a difficult time,but to add in the troubles you are dealing with your father is too much for you have to deal with. I will try to offer you advice on how you can deal with this and how you can improve yourself to gain the self confidence to know you deserve better. All children should only feel love from their parents. First to understand abuse better: Abuse can be economic, verbal, emotional, physical and sexual. According to mentalhelp.com the types of abuse are explained as follows:

• Verbal Abuse occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves ‘putdowns’ and name-calling intended to make a person feel they are unworthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If a person speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were “just a joke,” and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to a person’s self-worth and self-respect.
• Emotional Abuse occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person’s sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Emotional abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content (such as threats, coercion and intimidation) designed to force a person to comply with the abuser’s wishes and it is designed to cause emotional pain to a person in an attempt to gain their compliance and counter any resistance. Like verbal abuse, emotional abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on but can cause serious psychological effects.

Abuse is a violation of a person’s human rights. It follows a pattern of behavior that is used to gain or maintain power and control over another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound another person. In Islam, abuse is not tolerated on any level, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) reminds us “Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” (Al-Bukhari)

If you are being physically abused please contact local authorities right away and https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/ 1-800-422-4453

1. You need to know that you are worth it. You are worth the creation of Allah and therefor you are a beautiful person. Do not let anyone, including your parents, tell you otherwise. Every day try to say three things (different each day) that are positive attributes about yourself. Help yourself grow in your own skin outside of your family.
2. Get involved in extra activities like painting, meditating and running. These will help you generate happy endorphins and can help you stay positive.
3. Continue to talk to Allah. He is there for you – and He will only try you with situations He is certain you can overcome. You can overcome this: Allah does not impose on any self any more than it can stand. For it is what it has earned; against it, what it has merited. Our Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make a mistake! Our Lord, do not place on us a load like the one You placed on those before us! Our Lord, do not place on us a load we have not the strength to bear! And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy on us. You are our Master , so help us against the people of unbelievers. (Surat al-Baqara, 286)“O’You who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salaat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with As-Sâbirin (the patient ones, etc.). (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:153)
4. Talk to your parents – perhaps sit down with your father or write him a letter explaining to him how his comments make you feel. If that doesn’t work, express this to your mom. Let them know that you are not happy. Tell them specifically what they say that hurts and exactly how it makes you feel. Remain calm and make your point clear.
5. Talk to a professional. I know it may not seem like it would help, but a professional therapist can help gain tools to move forward. To not allow his words affect you.

Know you are not alone (And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.”Quran 40:60). We are here and there is plenty of help we can supply to you in your area if you want. Try these methods out. These tools are only to help you become stronger and gain self confidence to deal with the situation. You cannot change your parents, but you can change your situation, with Allahs helps. Keep strong and inshaAllah there will be relief soon. So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief (94:5)

Please write back if you need more help. We are here.

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima Z”