Loneliness,Anger,and Total Confusion

Dear, Fatima

I have posted before but not about this topic. I am 16 year old Palestinian (obvs born and raised in America), I was very hesitant to write, as I was scared someone will figure out who I am but I thought why not? So my problem lies solely upon myself, I feel lonely/alone i don’t have much friends in classes as were not and didn’t go to the same school, I mean I guess I’m normal, at lunch I sit with plp were not friends tho, I don’t even talk, really once here and there. I sit with my legit friends on another day, but I don’t know what to do I’m not awkward I think.. I can keep convo. but when I really think of loneliness I randomly start crying, also when like Im fighting with my mom about school then loneliness  comes back, I don’t pray as I have no khushu no more, is this a punishment from Allah? Am I that bad of a person?

,Im sorry this is Long I know there’s was more important subjects and questions I just don’t know what to do anymore, the lights are dimming.

As Salaamu Alaykum

I’m glad that you decided to post. Hopefully this feels like a safe space where you will be supported and understood. I know that it’s not the same as having people physically around you who know you, but know that there are many people here that can relate to what you are going through and have compassion for you. So in that sense, you are not alone.

Loneliness is a tough feeling to sit with and certainly can come up a lot, even and often when we are surrounded by other people. The reason for this is that the feeling of loneliness is not really about being alone physically, it is about not being seen and understood by another. Part of feeling ok with oneself is to feel validated for who you are. Outside of our own knowledge of our selves, we often need to be reflected back to with an assurance that we exist and that we are accepted and loved. It is easy to find yourself around a lot of people, it is not so easy to find yourself among those who truly know and love you for who you are and can reflect that back to you. We are lucky if we have one or two people like this in our lives, and even then it is sketchy as human beings are generally not very reliable- they move and change and leave.

It sounds like you do have friends, maybe just not at your school right now. That’s ok. And it’s also ok if you may not always have something to say to your classmates or even that you may not wind up being friends with them. Some people have an easy time making friends with just about anyone, while other people are a bit more reserved and make friends with certain people under certain circumstances. Neither way is better, just different. We all have different personalities that make us unique and are the basis for where our strengths are. Don’t feel like you are doing anything wrong if the relationships at school are not flowing right now. Allow yourself to flourish where you feel comfortable, according to what works for you.

The heart of the loneliness feeling though, as I mentioned, likely does not have to do with what people are or are not around you. As you mentioned, the loneliness feeling comes when you fight with your mom. This is most likely because in those moments you are not feeling like your mom understands you or gets who you are. You are not receiving that reflection, understanding and acceptance from another that I was referring to. So it creates in you a sense of feeling as though you are floating without an anchor, that there is no one there to see you and validate your existence as worthy and to feel loved. Even though I am sure that your mom does in fact love you. The fact of the matter is that you may not be able to receive that love from her as she is an imperfect person and fundamentally not capable of giving you everything you need… Allah is though.

You mentioned that you don’t pray because you don’t have khushu. I would encourage you not to think of this as a punishment from Allah, but rather a test from Allah. Your loneliness is a test and as a result your lack of khushu in prayer is also a test. As a matter of fact the loneliness is one of the central tests of this life and is core to realizing your life’s purpose. We are here in a state of forgetfulness of the reality of Tawheed (oneness). In other words, we think that we are separate and we feel distant from Allah. When we came into this life we forgot that we were and still are with Allah and that Allah is the source of all that we need. So we go about our lives trying to find connection and get our needs met (need for love, understanding, compassion etc.). And we primarily try to meet these needs through other people. This is part of the plan, it is part of our test. The fact of the matter is that we do need some things from people. We needed our parents as babies, and we need friends and family for reflection and reminders. But ultimately we will always feel alone if we do not look to Allah, as the source of what we need.That means that instead of looking for people to see us and know us and love us, we should primarily be looking to Allah for all of these things. He can given them to us much better, much more fully, and much more lasting than any person ever can. And until we develop a relationship with Allah and look to Him for everything, we will feel alone. We will constantly look to people to resolve this loneliness and we will not only be unfulfilled it can often increase our feeling of loneliness. People will let you down. But Allah will never let you down. He knows exactly what you need and the more you open yourself to Him and develop an open channel of connection, the more you will feel content and secure and the loneliness will go away.

Instead of waiting to have more khushu before you start praying again, I would encourage you to start praying as a means of building khushu. Khushu comes and goes, but prayer and ibada act as the rope that holds you together and allows you to make it through the trials and tribulations and the ebbs and flows of life. Establishing the prayer provides a means of carrying you through those times where you feel lack of faith, loneliness etc. Sometimes it may feel empty, that’s ok. As humans we are contantly shifting and our feelings and emotions rise and fall and change. Prayer and ibada and rememberance of Allah can give us something constant to cling to along the way, so as to provide the stability and guidance that we just can’t attain on our own without Allah. Don’t feel you have to do it perfectly or to be perfect, you won’t, you can’t. But if you just try to grow and develop into a better you, that is the goal. Small steps forward, a few steps back, another few steps forward. If you stay conscious of Allah and remember Him, he will not forget you. He will bring you closer to Him and remove your feeling of loneliness insha’allah. Allah says “remember Me and I will remember you”. The secret to remembering Him is establishing a daily habit of ibada, to keep you from feeling alone.

Together with you in the struggle,

Your brother in Islam,
“Fatima Y”