Loneliness, and Confusion

Dear, Fatima

I’m not sure if you guys got my other submission form, hopefully not because, I didn’t put certain things I should’ve if I did sorry about that. Anywas I’m now 16 years old Palestinian obv raised in America, I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll just start with my family, there good, even tho they might make some triggers for me (schoolwork for ex), I love them all dearly. My connection with Allah is idk okay I guess.. I dont pray, for many reasons, like I get disgusted when your supposed to clean down there.(Sorry I’m gross, I do clean there but, for Salah it seems it has to be perfected and I can’t.. I lose focus when I pray  and stuff so I just quit. And lack of focus and stuff.

My friends- maybe this is also where my loneliness comes from, I have few friends- but like idk how to explain it like one of them moved we still contact eachother all the time but she’s the one who I used to hang out with all the time, and my other friends its like we’re close but we don’t hang out and I’m feeling lonely, this isn’t jsut from this year, I can say since 7th grade (diff probs) but I’m tired of feeling this way, I have made another one, but it’s like I said my other close friend moved too she came to visit 3 times and I wasn’t invited should I be offended? Anyways ik this is long, I’m sorry, but it’s not even that fact anymore I took tests online,( it says I have moderate loneliness-apperantlly that’s like you’ll be fine but when you feel lonely it kind of squeezes you a bit. School- Im an okay perosn I have friends in like 3 classes but then the rest is like I don’t know anyone, and everyone knows everyone then there’s me: I have to ask to been in groups and it sucks, and when my mom lectures me about how I’m not trying I cry by my self Bcuz hey I’m alone anyways. Why not? And I’m sorry If this is confusing, I’m trying to explain it the best I can..and just islam in general, ik it’s the right religion, but some stuff makes me sad, and it’s too harsh. Like if a perosn commutes suicide why would Allah sned them to hell, what If it was that bad, and they never had anyone, or if your gay(apperantlly you can be it but you can’t act upon it)?? That doenst make sense, that means people are born that way, then why does alla not let te get married like straight people do, I learned this in MYNA and ISNA, you can have gay feelings but not act upon it which just confuses me more about Islam. One more thing, I don’t need a therapist, really i don’t, I mean if you saw me u think you’d say I’m normal, a therapist can’t make me fiends, I guess i just suck that much as a person? (I’m not on the verge of commuting suicide ornanything)

Anways sorry this was long Any advice would be appreciated,

Assalamu ‘alaykum,

Feeling alone is really hard.
And feeling like you cannot discuss the things you have questions about makes the alone feeling bigger.

The funny thing about “alone” is that we all feel it at some point, some more than others.
And that “alone” automatically becomes smaller when we do what is the most scary – when we reach out and try to connect.

Connection with others, and connection to Allah both help us to figure out how to live when things are so confusing.
It’s natural and normal to have questions, and it takes courage to ask about them.
And often we find that we have to do the best we can until we learn or grow to be able to do it better.
So if you get distracted while you are praying, you might try to do the best you can to bring yourself back to a place of concentration and complete the prayer. Some things that could help would be learning the meaning of what you are saying, or just saying in your head, “Ok Allah, you know I got distracted, please forgive me and help me get focused” before trying to keep going.

If you get grossed out by cleaning, you do the best you can and try to grow to do better.

This same method might be helpful when you are trying to find a group that fits you. So perhaps being courageous and trying to talk to someone that you might see has some similar interests than you, joining a club on an issue you are passionate about, or trying a service project outside of school. You do the best you can and if it doesn’t work out, finding a way to not let that become a statement about you. If it becomes something about your value (because you say in your post “I guess I just suck that much as a person”), then there’s something deeper going on about how you feel about yourself. A lot of people struggle with how they feel about themselves and that affects whether or not they want to put themselves out there, or makes them retreat into a shell. If that’s something you struggle with then working with a therapist might be helpful. It doesn’t mean that you are not “normal,” just that you wanted a space to be able to explore why this issue keeps coming up in your life.

About homosexuality, I’m not a scholar and cannot answer the specific question fully.
What I can say is that I have only heard marriage in Islam as a heterosexual (man-woman) marriage. I also know that all sex outside of marriage is prohibited. So I think that’s why people who speak about this issue tend to say that they do not condemn the person for their feelings, but that the act is not allowed. Speaking for myself, a non-scholar, this is me doing the best I can to understand the issue. I know this is something that the scholars are being asked about, and it’s something that the scholars need to debate and come to answer about. Until then, I can only do the best I can to understand and to live Islam with love and compassion for the struggles of those around me.

wa ‘alaykum salam,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima Z”