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dear fatima, im having lots of social problems these days. i feel so lost when im around people, i feel like everyone is judging my every single movement. one of the hardest things for me right now is making eye contact. sometimes when i talk to people i can never look into their eyes to say something so i look around and at the floor, and when i realize that im not looking at the person im talking to, i look at that person, and when i feel that theyre looking at me i go crazy on the inside. its super hard when i go to social events at the masjid, because my family is well known and everyone expects me to say salam to them. and its not like i don’t want to talk to people, its just that im so scared of what they will think of me or what they will ask me.  sometimes when i talk, i mix up my words and end up saying something really stupid or messed up.  and even when i say something correctly, i immediately regret saying it because i always feel like the other person thinks im stupid. im always cursing myself for every awkward movement i make or thing that i say.  socializing has become very physically and mentally exhausting for me, i don’t know how that works but i always feel like crying or sleeping after meeting people.

i don’t know why im like this because it was never like this for me before. please help

As Salaam Alaikum,

I am so sorry you are going through some difficult times. I do not think that when you are being tested by Allah with loneliness or any other test that you are a bad person – I firmly believe that Allah test those whom he loves and only with things that they can handle. You can handle this – you just need guidance through the clouds to see the light. I am very happy you reached out to us and hope you continue to – regardless of the issue.  Remember you are not alone.

First I’d like to help you understand loneliness and then perhaps help you find some ways to move through it.

Loneliness is actually a state of mind and it causes people to feel empty, alone and unwanted. People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind can make it difficult for them to form connections to other people. According to research by John Cacioppo, a University of Chicago psychologist, loneliness is strongly connected to genetics. Other contributing factors include situational variables – things that happen in our daily lives can trigger loneliness. Loneliness can also be attributed to internal factors such as low self-esteem, a lack confidence in themselves, which can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness.

• Talk to a therapist in your area: I highly recommend finding a therapist in your area that you can see regularly. Therapist can help you gain insight on your emotions and feelings.
• Reach out to your parents. You mentioned you fight with your mom – maybe set whatever the problem is aside and go out with her for lunch. Talk to her. Let her into your world.
• New Friends: Seek friends and family members who will only help you stay on the path and keep your spirits high.

{And keep yourself patient [by being] with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and the evening, seeking His countenance. And let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is ever [in] neglect.}[Quran 

“Ignore those that make you fearful and sad, that degrade you back towards disease and death” – Rumi

Focus on developing quality relationships with people who share similar attitudes, interests and values with you.

• Salat: I know its tough to stay on the path, but read Quran in English, meditate, and pray. I also encourage you to read stories of the other prophets. Mediation can help ease your mind and bring you in the moment. While you pray you can focus on talking to Allah and opening up a relationship beyond the rituals. Take time during mediation and salat to reflect on your life and on the good.
• Activities: Get involved in new activities like painting and outdoor activities. Being outdoors lends itself to mindfulness. Gardening, although sounds a little foriegn, can bring a lot of peace to ones thoughts. You are not only helping the environment but you are also able to be outdoors and in a peaceful stress-free environment. Consider doing community service or another activity that you enjoy. These situations present great opportunities to meet people and cultivate new friendships and social interactions.
• Exercise: Improved self-esteem is a key psychological benefit of regular physical activity. When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. For example, the feeling that follows a run or workout is often described as “euphoric.” That feeling, known as a “runner’s high,” can be accompanied by a positive and energizing outlook on life.
• Expect the best. Lonely people often expect rejection, so instead focus on positive thoughts and attitudes in your social relationships.
• Recognize that loneliness is a sign that something needs to change.
• Understand the effects that loneliness has on your life, both physically and mentally.
  

Try these things, slowly ease into them and inshaAllah in time it will bring you some ease. Again, I strongly urge you to seek out help from a therapist in your area. May Allah (swt) guide you and make it easier for you to see the light.

Also try to say the following dua when you wake up in the morning and before you go to sleep:

“The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam (may  Allaah exalt his mention ) entered the Masjid one day and found a man from the Ansaar called Abu Umaamah. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam (may  Allaah exalt his mention) said to him: “Abu Umaamah, what’s the matter with you? Why are you sitting in the Masjid at a time other than the time of prayer?” Abu Umaamah  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him replied: “It is worries and debts that made me sit here.” The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam (may  Allaah exalt his mention) said to him: “Shall I not teach you some words if you say them Allaah will take away the worries from you and help you repay your debts.” Abu Umaamah said: “Please do, O Prophet of Allaah.” The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam (may  Allaah exalt his mention) said: “Say when you get up in the morning and when you go to sleep,’O Allaah, I take refuge in You from worry and grief, and I take refuge in You from weakness and laziness, and I take refuge in You from  cowardice and miserliness, and I take refuge in You from the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men.” Abu Umaamah  may  Allaah  be  pleased  with  him said: ‘I did so (said the supplication) and Allaah took my worries away and helped me repay my debts.” [Abu Daawood]

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima X”