Decisions, Decisions
i am a 15 year old male living in Texas, recently i have just moved form an islamic school into a public school. ever since i went there ive been struggling with haram stuff no drugs, no sex but just dating in general because there is this girl i like and she wants to date me, now i have been doing research and to my understanding(might be wrong:/) it is halal to date with the purpose of marriage as long as no sexual relation happens.
please if you can give me advice or insight on the subject
As salaamu alaykum,
I can imagine it must be a big adjustment moving to a public school. As anywhere there are always temptations and distractions that lure you toward haram things, but being with peers in a secular public school is an extra challenge because not only are those temptations there, they are normalized and made to seem harmless. As you mentioned, drugs and sex are some of the more obvious ones, which may be easier to avoid. However, when you are in a culture where so many things are made acceptable and normalized, you have to be very cautious about even seemingly harmless actions and decisions. Peer pressure can play more of a role in your perception than you even realize when you may be the only one trying to uphold a certain set of morals and values.
I can’t give you a definitive religious answer to your question about halal dating, for that you may want to consult an Imam. But I can answer it from the perspective of both a student of Islam and a student of human development. Islam asks us to refrain from sexual relations before marriage. There are multiple levels of meaning and reasons for why this is. Physical intimacy creates a bond with a person that comes with it a great deal of emotional attachment and deep, often hard to understand feelings and experiences. It is a powerful bond to enter into with another person and one which naturally results in the bringing forth of new life. So it is something very sacred as it is the avenue in which Allah brings forth his power of creation. All of the feelings of attraction around this are likewise very powerful. Therefore it is important to guard oneself from this until one is fully ready to delve into the outcomes, responsibilities and life changes that come with it.
You are 15 years old. You have a great deal of growth and experience ahead of you. In order to continue on the path of growing and remaining open to all that Allah has yet to guide you towards, you must remain open and unattached. There are so many things that can happen over the next decade or so for you that can lead you in different directions. Therefore age 15, while you are still in high school, is not an ideal time to be thinking about settling down for marriage.
The allowance for dating for the sake of marriage that you are referring to is best reserved for the time when you are actively seeking to get married. This means that you are in the right place in your life and the appropriate stage of development to commit to marriage and the huge life changes that come with it. Dating at this stage in your life is unlikely for the sake of marrying that person, as neither of you are at the stage in your lives when you are able to foresee what your futures hold and therefore cannot appropriately determine whether or not you would be right for each other for marriage, even if planned for the future. Too much can and will change by the time you are ready. So although it can be permissible, with restrictions, to date for the sake of marriage, now is not the time to be actively pursuing marriage for you.
Managing physical attraction at this age is a huge challenge and not an easy thing to do. But if it is important to you to follow the path of Islam and benefit from the wisdom and knowledge afforded to you by adhering to the deen, then you will need to make decisions to protect yourself from distraction and temptation. It is not about punishment for doing haram, it is about reaping the benefits from following the halal and the straight path. Whether or not we always understand the guidelines set forth by Islam we have to trust that there is indeed wisdom in them which can save us from major pitfalls that inevitably come when we instead follow our own desires and judgments. It’s like having a cheat sheet for life. I could write a whole treatise on why it is wise to avoid intimate relationships before marriage and what one must achieve personally before actually being ready for marriage and why it is next to impossible for a 15 year old to have achieved that in this day and age, but I won’t. For now you will just have to trust that their is a reason for this and that you will need to refocus your energy on other things that will build your sense of self knowledge and individual strength until you are ready to take that step.
It has been recommended by our Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, for young men to exercise and fast until they are ready and able to marry. These two physical disciplines can be your best protection against your desire and the pitfalls of falling under the spell of physical attraction before the right time.
With dua for your strength and discipline,
Your brother in Islam,
“Fatima Y”
FeelTheHeal
Brother,
Just last night I read in the Quran you are only allowed to marry the type you are. For example; if you committed zina (illegal sexual intercourse) you can only marry a woman who also has done the same in her past. Are you okay with that?
I understand your age and your struggles…but please use that struggle as a test from Allah and not as an excuse. Would you be okay with a wife who has dated a man? Would you be okay with marrying a woman who has already given her heart away to another guy?
Be the type of human you want to have in your spouse. Also, Allah is watching wherever you are…when you control your desires, you will be rewarded. When you give in to your desires, you will find you didn’t even enjoy your actions because you ARE aware of Allah and you know what you do is right or wrong when you do it.
Hoping you are always able to make the right decisions in life.
HA18
Salaam my dear brother!
I wanted to say I sympathize with where you are at. You have gone to different environments and it’s really hard simply to change schools, let alone go from being surrounded by Muslims to a public high school. Making new friends, wanting to fit in and just be normal are hard for everyone.
Good for you for recognizing the temptations of sex and drugs. You know if you wanted to, you can do it, we all can do it, but you know the right thing is not to do it. It hard to be keep fighting and not do it, but that’s what we are about when we try to be muslim.
Besides drugs and alcohol and all those other temptations, probably the hardest one to get passed, the one shaytaan usually gets us with, is these very subtle but powerful matters of the heart. You feel like hey i have these good feelings, love, for this girl. The feelings come from a positive place so it doesn’t seem bad. And let me tell you, loving somebody is NOT bad. It’s being careful about yourself and about others feelings that makes it so dangerous.
I think you also know deep down inside, you don’t want to get married right now. You may care for this girl a lot and she may be amazing, beautiful, funny, and all these other things, but if not you, I would guess that she also doesn’t want to get married right now either. Both of you have years and years left to grow, do what you want in life, discover yourself, find a job, get a degree, all of that good and fun stuff before you want to saddle yourself down with someone. I know its hard and heartbreaking to hear, but it’s just an impossibility right now for you to get married.
It’s not possible to simply flip a switch and turn off your feelings for someone. I think you need to make a decision for not just yourself, but herself too, about how you want to handle this. Since it’s pretty safe to say that you know the both of you probably won’t be getting married, then although you may both have feelings for each other, you need establish certain boundaries you’re not willing to accept. Because if your relationship continues to grow and gets physical (maybe it already is a little, which is just a natural result of a relationship), it will hurt not only you, but HER too! It will hurt the both of you a lot. More than you can ever imagine.
It’s your decision, but my advice would be to tell her that although you do have feelings for her, you don’t want to hurt both of you by taking the relationship further because you don’t see a future. At that point, you can both decide if you want to try to maintain a friendship (which is also hard, but may be the next easiest step).
Certain boundaries you can set up are limiting any flirting and touching (no hugs for example) or limiting how much you talk to each other or what you talk about. For example, you can limit your convos to just school work and when it starts to steer to joking and teasing you can politely cut it short.
Don’t despair or feel hopeless. I know it sucks and feels hard and so sad. This is high school and this is where everyone, regardless of race of religion, learns all the hard lessons about dating, relationships, and love. Trying to protect your heart (and at the same time, you will be doing the good deed of protecting hers) will make your future and more serious relationships easier. Remember: there are plenty of fish in the sea! You’re heart will be bigger and more open to love because it won’t be as hurt. To give you some hope, I promise you that with time everything gets better. You both will eventually get over each other, summer break will come and you won’t see each other as much. You just need to find the patience to deal with these hard step. If there is someone around you can talk about the more difficult feelings you are going through, i recommend doing that. Or if you dont feel comfortable sharing, write it down in a journal. When you say it and get it out of you, your heart will feel better.
Good luck!