Parents’ Relationship

I am an 18-year-old woman who is facing difficulty among the family unit. I have posted before, but I am torn about how to act. I know that a man should love his wife and honor her, but I do not speak up against my father when he talks behind my mother’s back, saying that she is a Satanic, wicked being. My mother, on the other hand, tells me to respect my father.  I am saddened that my mom tells me this, while she does not really know what my dad tells me about her. My mom does nag a lot, but I think it is understandable due to the way my father and I have treated her. I know it is wrong, but I am not brave enough to confront my father. More than anything, in the future, I really desire a man who will treat me like his queen. However, I have been told that marriage does not solve the problems that were present with the person before, and I do not know how exactly to approach helping to solve the problems at home. I think the arguments at home are partly due to my lack of responsibility, too. I procrastinate on my school work a lot and sometimes even hand in some assignments past the due date. I also have OCD/anxiety behaviors and spend a lot of time in the bathroom, or just lost in thought.  I fear that because of my disrespect towards my mother, my future husband and children will also treat me terribly.  Another issue is that I am very confused about Islam (especially concerning the marriage laws) and continue to ask many Muslims my questions, going against my parents’ wishes of concentrating on school work right now. I do not feel much of a solid connection during prayer, and the idea of keeping wuzu is hard for me. I often feel pressure from my bottom or little bubbles, but I am not sure if they qualify as passing gas. I am missing out of the present moment, and it scares me a little that I do not know everything about Islam. My questions do not completely allow me to put my faith in Allah.

As salaamu alaykum,

I think it’s great that you are so conscious about your actions and intentions and that you are thoughtful about how your present will affect your future. This type of self awareness is crucial to understand your self and to know Allah deeper. So although you may feel like you are having trouble putting your faith in Allah, your questions and your striving to understand is all part of the path of deepening your iman and uncovering your truth. It is a process that will span your lifetime and it sounds like you have a lot of great qualities that will allow you to continue to grow and gain wisdom and insight.

You are right to be tuned into the nature of your relationship with your parents and how their marriage affects you, as this can have a significant impact on what you develop as your model or template for your own marriage in the future. The good news is that you are not bound to recreate your parents’ relationship just because that is what you witnessed. You have the opportunity to have something different. The key is to be conscious of your own reactions to your parents and to make a concerted effort to not internalize their negative patterns. One way to do this is to address the feelings that you have that are not in line with your ideals and to not let them persist. Because if you avoid these type of things they can become internalized and that is how you wind up repeating unwanted patterns in your own future relationships.

For example, you say that you feel like you treat your mother poorly and that you don’t like the fact that your father does the same and that you do not want to be treated that way as a mother or wife in the future. So here is an opportunity to look into yourself and make an effort to see the situation for what it is and to find compassion for both your mother and father given their situation. It may not be your place to try and address the issues with your parents. Your goal is not necessarily to change them or their behavior, as you do not really have that power. The goal is for you to take control over your own perceptions and thought patterns, as this is what will shape your future patterns and it is the only thing you really can control. Notice your feelings and thoughts in regards to your parents and make an effort to understand how they may have gotten to where they are at. It is likely that all of their negative patterns started somewhere in their own childhood and that they are just playing out the patterns that they did not address and resolve themselves. Try to understand what may have lead to these behaviors. Then try to see them in a light of mercy and compassion for their struggle. Ask for forgiveness from Allah for your own misperception and misbehavior and for theirs and be forgiving to them. We are all struggling against our own misperceptions and mental blocks which keep us from seeing the truth. We get attached to certain things that we think we need, for example; acknowledgment from people, attention etc. and we forget to look for these things from Allah. Our attachment to people creates these relationship issues. If you want to free yourself from such relationship patterns the key is to look more to Allah for love, acknowledgment, mercy, compassion, etc. because He is the source for these things and you will always find them in perfection with Him, whereas people will always fall short of being able to give you what you need.

There may not be much that you can do externally to change or resolve your family issues. Most of the work you need to do for your future is internally within your own heart and mind, making an effort to regulate and change your perceptions and thoughts. But if you do this more then it will affect how you deal with the external situation which can in time have a positive impact on your family insha’allah. If you develop greater compassion for both your father and mother you can model the behavior that you wish they would employ. You can model better treatment of your mother, first and foremost for your own sake, but secondarily your father will see this and it can potentially impact his own behavior. Also you can be true to your feelings and voice your compassion to your father so that you do not feel the guilt inside for not speaking up and thus not being in alignment with your ideals. This does not have to be confrontational, because remember that you are not trying to change him. It can merely be you voicing a compassionate perspective and leaving it at that. This will help you to manifest the changes you want to make and create new patterns for your future insha’allah.

wa as salaam
Your brother in Islam,
“Fatima Y”