stone heart
Dear Fatima, I am a 17 year old girl and this has been the worst week of my life. In fact, i’m already broken and may never heal again. It’s easy to motivate people and tell them to look at the positive side but all I have been telling myself this week is “you are not good at handling anxiety, you are not good socially, you are not good at tennis, you are not good at forensics, you are not good at following directions. you are not good anything, you didn’t even get into your dream college yet”. And all of these things are equally painful. I’m not good at anything and I feel that I have no purpose and I’m not worth anything to anyone, not even to myself. Please help me, asap, my internal battery is nearly dead. I have tried sharing my feelings to a few people but they don’t respond back to me. I might be important to them in some way but I’m by no means a priority. Usually, I fight back and ask at least once more to stir the conversation before completely giving up on getting a call or response back but this time and now, I have become immuned to being ignored and unimportant. I’m tired of trying to prove to others that I matter. And talk about being okay and having someone there to ask if you are okay, 99% of the time, I have no one. So instead, I am sitting here silently typing because it may be my only remedy and because I have given up on people, I have decided that my self-respect comes first and I can’t beg. This is very difficult for me because although I have always put my self-respect first, i have not become better at anything in my life except for having more hardships. At this point, many people would say, pray to Allah, he answers you. I do pray and I will never worship anyone but Him but my iman has drowned to sea bottom. I have begged and prayed to him to help me find the right way, to help ease my pains, but every day, I’m just even more distressed and now I have simply lost myself.
As salaamu alaykum,
I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard week. I can understand that it makes it even more difficult when you feel alone and without support. That’s a tough place to be in. I’m glad that you reached out to this community for support, there are people here who understand what you’re going through and who want to help.
You said that your self respect comes first. That sounds like you’re on the right track. However, it may be helpful to focus more on what self respect looks and feels like. You want to make sure that it is indeed your self respect that you’re trying to preserve and not your pride. Your pride may feel like it’s taking a hit when others don’t respond to you reaching out. And those voices in your head telling you you’re not good at things certainly adds to that.
Pride isn’t really worth trying to preserve because it is just a false notion of worth. Your true worth is not measured by what you have, what you can do, or what friends you have. Your true worth is in the nature of your inner self and what is in your heart. Your mere existence makes you worthy of Allah’s Love, therefore your true nature is to be loved and cherished. Allah knows that you are worthy, the part that may be missing is that you need to know that. That is where the self respect comes in.
You already have an instinct to preserve your self respect. All you need to do is understand more what that means and foster it. As humans we will always make mistakes and not do everything the best we potentially could. But the fact of the matter is that we always have the potential to do better and be better, because Allah gave us the ability to grow and strive toward perfection. And He put in us a seed of His perfection, that is what is worthy of respect. You have a light in your heart that is pure and beautiful. It is always there and always accessible. You just have to preserve, protect and nurture it.
Instead of thinking about what you think you are not good at, try to focus on what Allah knows you are capable of. Focus on your potential and your innate goodness. That will inspire you to feel better about yourself. Only when we feel good about ourselves can we actually do good. If you feel you are not good at things or not worthy of things, then you block yourself from goodness and achievement. Allah created you with all the potential in the world. That alone is worthy of respect and it is inside of yourself. So self respect is really respecting what Allah has gifted you and cherishing that. If you don’t believe in yourself just yet, then at least start by believing in Allah and knowing that He created you for a reason. So trust and respect that He knows what He is doing.
The reason we sometimes feel our battery is low is when we are disconnected from our source- Allah. You may not know what your purpose it just yet, but Allah surely does. So cling to Him and remember Him and He will show you your purpose when the time is right. And meanwhile just know that above anything else in this life our real purpose is simply to stay connected to and remember Allah.
Your brother in Islam,
“Fatima Y”
Anonymous
Hi Sweetheart,
There is absolutely no reason you need to waste time telling yourself what you’re NOT good at. There’s a hundred things we’re all not good at and it’s a pretty great way to trash our self esteem if we think of them.
You wake up tomorrow, shower (do wa’du), dress up and look at yourself in the mirror- say “Enough. It’s time to move ahead, and if i’m going to do it anyway, i’m going to do it happily”.
I’ll tell you a secret i learnt pretty late in life; EVERYONE is struggling. Some people just show it more and some people just hide it better. But the girl in your classes, the boy down the street, the kid who works at the grocery store, the woman who cleans your school….they all have their battles. One person’s battle is a severe health issue so another’s is a heartbreak. But a battle is a battle and to each their own is a struggle.
I want you to stop depending on people- I tried that as well and rumor has it, it’s pretty useless. Depend on Allah to let you depend on only yourself. You are in charge of your happiness. You are in charge of your life. You can stop crying today and pick up something in it’s place like reading, running, praying, or training your brain to block out the negativity. Tell yourself what you CAN do. And trust me sweet little angel, you can do a LOT. Volunteer or work, pray or sleep in, dress up or lay around in your pjs and watch funny movies, make someone smile or be someone’s shoulder to cry on….There Is Always Something Better In Life Waiting For You. You have to reach out for it and that can only happen when you wake up today and say ENOUGH. And say Hello to the new you.
HA18
Salaam sweetheart,
I am also very sorry to hear you have had such a rough week. Going through hardships which drain us emotionally can definitely leave us feeling spent.
The unfortunate truth is that it is very rare to find people who will always listen. Sometimes, people are also dealing with their own things so they don’t have the energy, but sometimes people just don’t know how to help or what to say. Either way know this: people can never ACTUALLY help. Only you can help yourself. People at most can give us a shoulder to cry on and some advice. It’s good to feel supported, but it is up to you to face your hardships, face those difficult emotions and the draining, and climb your way out into the light.
If you are looking for someone who wants to at least listen, there is a website called 7 cups of tea which has dedicated “listeners” who will at least hear you out. I recommend you try it.
Connecting to that piece of ourselves, that beautiful light and goodness of Allah, as “Fatima Y” describes in this post is key for recharging. However, it can be hard to do that when our hearts are not in the right place. Sometimes it’s hard to find that positivity when you are feeling so down. But with practice it becomes easier to make that attitude change to find hope, find that light, and be positive about the hardships that are in your life because you know Allah has got your back.
Are there any activities that you like doing that help you get out of your flunk? Talking to someone on a website like 7 cups of tea may help, but there may be other activities. Journaling is a very popular one that people use to connect with themselves and recharge. Maybe you like drawing, or to go out for a run.
Wishing you the best and sending you lots of love!