Tired and in huge need of help

Dear Fatima, I am a 17 year old girl struggling with family relationships. I never understood my low self-confidence but now I’m certain that the source of it must be my father. I absolutely abhor him at this point and am trying to repair myself but the more I tell myself to let him fight his own demons, the more they run back to haunt me. If I ask him for a book that I want to read, he will say I never finish it and that I am crazy. If I ask him to take me out for lunch or get me something to eat, he will say I am obsessive and need to get treatment for obsessive compulsive disorder. If he see’s me washing my hands, he will label me as paranoid. If he doesn’t see me studying for a few days (I usually study just not in front of him) he will say I’m slacking off in my studies. I don’t mind the criticism and I know that we all need someone to kick us here and there and tell us to pause and reflect upon ourselves but I’m just being labelled for one thing after another. And I don’t know how to make him stop, he doesn’t understand me. I spent 99.9% of my nights every day surrounded by him and right now as I’m writing this, my throat is dry and I am unable to swallow air just as I am too paralyzed to swallow these lingering thoughts. Fatima, please help me, I’m simply broken.

As salaamu alaykum,

I’m glad that you’re reaching out for help. It must be really hard to maintain peace of mind in the situation that you describe. It’s so hard to connect with yourself and know what is real for you when someone else is constantly berating you. It’s unfortunate that you are experiencing this in your own home because it makes it hard to find any place of retreat and refuge to have self reflection and for self care. And yet that is really what you need to create space for right now.

In a situation such as you describe, it can feel like you have no where to turn. Because physically and quite literally that may be true. However, whether we realize it or not and even if it is difficult at times to get there, we always have access to a place of peace and refuge that no person or circumstance can block us from. This place is inside of you, in your heart, and with Allah. That can feel like an abstract notion that is removed from practical solutions, but in fact it is the only real solution to life’s most difficult challenges.

Although it is unfortunate and unfair that you are going through this with your father, the harsh reality may be that you cannot change him or the circumstances. That does not mean that you have to be doomed to suffering the consequences of decreased self confidence and lack of love, among other things. Those things are your right and they are always attainable from Allah. Your current situation is a test for you. It is a challenge set up to see if you will stop with the external circumstances and the seemingly negative situation, or if you will look deeper and try to find connection with Allah- the source of all Love and self-confidence, within this struggle.

So here is what you need to do in order to connect with Allah in that place inside of you and tap into the source of Love which will increase your self confidence, show you your value, and help you to truly understand your beautiful nature; First thing is to tell yourself or remind yourself that your father is also a broken human being and that he is hurting inside, that is why he reacts in this way, not because of you. Second is to remember that because he is a broken human being, your biological father cannot give you the perfect love and acceptance that you crave and deserve. Third is to remember that Allah is the source where we can look to receive this type of Love and acceptance, and our Prophet, peace be upon him, is our father figure who can truly be the perfect human example of that love and tenderness. So, it is important that you create space and time to reflect on these things in your mind and in your heart on a regular basis to keep in tune with the truth of the matter, but especially in these times of struggle that you are going through when you can’t seem to find the Love around you. Look inside yourself.

If you can develop a habit of remembering this and reflecting internally, then you can begin to tune out the harshness around you. Not to avoid it completely, but to keep yourself from getting stuck in the negativity of it and rather seeing it for what it is; a test. When the hurtful words get thrown at you, try to imagine that you have a force field around you. And inside this force field surround yourself with positive words and thoughts. You have to counteract the negativity with a conscious effort and match each hurtful comment with a thought to yourself of it’s positive counterpart. For example: “You’re lazy and you don’t study enough” should trigger the response in your mind of “I’m worthy and capable and will continue to try my best”, or something similar. The more you practice this the easier it will be to eventually maintain a positive attitude a midst any negativity.

I pray that Allah makes things easier on you and your situation improves, and meanwhile I pray that you find the strength to take control of your inner thoughts and create a space of self acceptance and love, as you find the inspiration in your remembrance of Allah.

wa as salaam,
Your Brother in Islam,
“Fatima Y”