I don’t want to have any biological children

I am an 18 year old female and although I know my decisions can change in the future, I don’t want any biological children. I want to foster children instead; there are so many poor children out there, such as many Chinese abandoned baby girls. Some Muslims have told me that I should still have my own biological ones. My  friend told me that I could do both, but I want to foster/adopt as my kids as possible; the money that I could spend on a future biological child, I could spend on another foster baby. I am not saying that everyone should only adopt/foster kids, but that is my cause and the choice that I want to make with my body; another reason I don’t want to have biological children is the pain. I understand that conceiving children is a big sunnah, but its not haram to not have biological children, right? Also, raising children in Islam, who would have otherwise been raised by non-Muslims, is a good deed, too, in my opinion. My fears are, will I ever find a husband who shares the same views? Is birth control/contraception haram in Islam? What about permanent surgery to close the tubes? I also understand that if Allah wants me to bring life and I become pregnant without planning on it, I will accept that. I will take care not to become pregnant, but if it happens, I realize that it is in His control. I also realize that the bonds between biological children and parents are very strong, but this is my own choice not to have one.

As Salaam Alaikum,

I am going to do my very best to answer your questions – I highly recommend you speak to a Sheikh or Imam in your area to get more information on the rulings. I am also going to answer this a little different then I have answered other questions in the past – using my own experiences – as I too thought as you do and had some other situations arise that led me to want to adopt. 

 This world is fearful and scary and the idea of bringing another innocent child into this world is terrifying. Why would I want to when I can adopt one of the thousands of orphaned children? When I was 16 I was also diagnosed with some serious medical issues that resulted in me not being able to conceive, and I honestly felt that the stars were lining up. This was meant to be – I was destined to adopt a child.

 First, adopting a child is a huge commitment and I think that when the time comes for you to make these decisions you should look into all aspects and avenues and do as much research as possible as the process is long and can be extremely emotional. There are many websites that offer advice that I highly recommend you look into. I also suggest you talk to someone who has been through the process.  The idea of adopting, helping orphans, is incredible. We are encouraged to do so:

• They ask you, [O Muhammad], what they should spend. Say, “Whatever you spend of good is [to be] for parents and relatives and orphans and the needy and the traveler. And whatever you do of good – indeed, Allah is Knowing of it.” – 2:215
• Worship Allah and associate nothing with Him, and to parents do good, and to relatives, orphans, the needy, the near neighbor, the neighbor farther away, the companion at your side, the traveler, and those whom your right hands possess. Indeed, Allah does not like those who are self-deluding and boastful. – 4:36
• So as for the orphan, do not oppress [him]. -93:9

 When I got married at 24, my husband was fully aware that I was not able to have children and that I really wanted to adopt. Although he was fully supportive and on board, he encouraged me to see new doctors and try other avenues to conceive. There are a few reasons why I went along with it, but the most important one was: he always said they are just doctors, only Allah can determine what is going to happen.

 Be completely open and honest with your future spouse before marriage. Let them know exactly how you feel.  Explain to them how important it is to you and that you understand if they are not on board with it. This is true for any expectation you bring into a relationship. Always set forth your expectations and let them be known if there is room for bargaining.

I think its very important that you come to complete terms with the idea that everything is in Allah’s hands, that what Allah wills, is. So as you mentioned if you were to get pregnant that you accept that as part of the divine plan and move forward with that path. Having biological children does not eliminate the possibility of adoption by any means and vice versa, if you decide to adopt first it does not mean that you will not want to have biological children in the future. For this reason I would highly suggest not making a decision like getting your tubes tied, although it is possible to reverse the procedure. Other forms of birth control are completely fine. Have taqwa in Allah – and know that all children come with their own rizq, so whatever you intend to spend on a child is destined for that child – be it a biological child or adopted. 

 We tried for 5 years – made efforts on both fronts – adoption and conceiving and it just was not happening. And after 3 miscarriages and no leads on adopting, one night I was sitting on the prayer rug and I gave up. I told Allah that it was ALL in his hands – that I had no control in conceiving or adopting – and that I would accept whatever he wanted for our lives. If I was not meant to have children at all, then that would be ok also.  Literally, 2 weeks later I was pregnant. And subhanAllah it was amazing. I would not have it any other way. I now have 2 kids and am hoping inshaAllah we will be able to adopt in the near future as that is still my wish.

 My reasons for sharing my experience is so that you understand these things are not in our control – that Allah is the Provider, the Creator, and that we can only do our best to live as prescribed by the Quran and Sunnah. You seem to have a good grasp on what you want in life, and I think that is great.  I highly recommend you talk to an Imam or Sheikh in your area as far as the legal rulings for birth control and getting your tubes tied as there are many debates on the matter. From my understanding, (Allah knows best), it is not permissible to get your tubes tied for the sole intention to prevent pregnancy if not out of necessity (as in health). However, according to Faraz Rabbani, contraception is permitted:

“However, it is superior not to engage in contraception without genuine reason or benefit, because the Qur’an and Sunna have encouraged having children, and there is great benefit to the individual and society in raising righteous children. Allama Jad al-Haqq (Allah have mercy on him), the pious late 20th Century Shaykh al-Azhar, wrote in a fatwa dated 1399 AH (1979 CE), that: Contraception is permitted if the husband and wife agree, as there is nothing in the Qur’an or Sunna to prohibit it; rather, the hadiths and practice of the Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) indicate permissibility, and this is confirmed by the words of the jurists across the schools of Islamic law.”

 SubhanAllah you have a beautiful heart and you see where there is a need for Muslims to step up (be it fostering or adopting) and I think that is wonderful – something you should absolutely pursue. As all things in life be open-minded and take things as they come.

Good luck – you are in my duas. If I have said something incorrect please forgive me. 

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima X”