Heartbroken
Dear Fatima,
I am a senior in high school, turning 18 in a few days, and I still think about a college sophomore boy whom I had very deep feelings for when I was a sophomore in high school. I know now that we were never supposed to be friends because he is a non-mahram and he is a Christian. I also realize that we have our differences, such as how he goes clubbing and has had girlfriends, and I think he has lost his virginity; all of which are against Islam. However, we also have a deep bond, or had, I should say. He may do some activities that are haram, but they are activities that are part of the American culture that he was raised in. He is actually a very good boy; he is religious and does not judge others. He is also very perceptive and I could talk to him about anything because he is so mature and thoughtful. We had meaningful conversations and we were very alike in personality, yet attracted as opposites because he is very popular and out-going while I do not socialize as much. When he told me he liked me more than a friend, I knew that it was the start of something more. Then I drove him away due to anxiety problems that I was facing, and the medication that I took made me act more impulsive than I would have. I became obsessive and creeped him out on Facebook. I also hurt the feeling of some of our cross country team members, which made him upset with me. I hadn’t realized that I was offending them, but I was acting very immature. He tried to get back with his ex girlfriend the summer after my sophomore year, but it did not work out. However, our friendship had still changed either way. I cried about him all throughout junior year and I kept messaging him. I wanted the friendship that we had back, but he had moved on to college and was not interested in me anymore. Last summer, he told me that while he didn’t see me as a “little” sister, he meant that he liked me as a sister when he had told me that he liked me more than a friend. When I became more religious, I decided to stop talking to him so much, and the last time I talked to him was about three months ago. Should I talk to him again to gain a proper closure? I still have a little hope that maybe he will convert to Islam and we will be together in the future. Although I no longer say that I won’t marry anybody else unless I marry him, thoughts of him hold me back a little from fully falling in love with someone else in the future. I know now that I didn’t feel as in love with him as I thought because I also wanted to make it a love story and I was influenced by love songs a lot. However, I did really feel deeply about him; I don’t think that he was just a crush. A part of me doesn’t want to be in love with anybody else in the future, especially to commit myself to my future husband forever in jannah, if we get there. A part of me also doesn’t want to tell my future husband about the guy because he was very special to me and I want to keep it to myself. I think that I could still get married and fulfill my duties of a wife but I don’t have to be in love with the person I am married to, but I would feel a little guilty if the person loved me but I didn’t. I also fear that no man will ever love me, anyway, in the first place.
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Assalamu ‘alaykum,
It sounds like you had very strong feelings for this young man and that those feelings really affected you and the way you see future relationships. It’s very normal to have your ideas of love and marriage be impacted by every person that you have loving feelings for – starting with the relationship you observe in your parents’ lives and continuing with the ones that we develop as we get older.It seems that you might have a lot of doubts about your worth and value and what you bring to a relationship, and that makes you feel unlovable.That seems to cause you to fear that nobody will love you.It seems to also cause you to want chase someone who might be interested in the hopes that they will show you that you aren’t unlovable.It seems that maybe in that chase you go to fast, or push too hard, and end up pushing them away.If that’s the case, you pushing as hard as you are is actually bringing your fears to life – by pushing people away, you find yourself alone, and again feel unlovable.I’m not saying that this young man is or isn’t the person you are destined to marry.What I am saying is that looking back on this situation may give you valuable understanding on how you think of yourself and how you understand love. It may also help you understand other parts of your life – perhaps you do the same thing with family members or friends?So putting aside the particulars of this situation, the questions seem to be:1) How can you find a way to love yourself, and help yourself grow into the person you wish to be?2) How can you relate to others from your heart and not from your fear?These are obviously very deep questions and they will take a long time to answer.So it’s best to break up the conversation into manageable chunks, and to find a counselor who can help you make your way through it.Wa ‘alaykum salam,Your sister in Islam“Fatima Z”
Anonymous
Thank you for your caring words. 🙂 The guy I like doesn’t chase after me at all, or barely, but maybe it would hurt more if he did, like the guy who chased after you. I don’t know. I’m also hurt because my behavior and mistakes led him to go away, so I feel like the bad guy in the situation. However, I have learned more about Islam and the concepts make more sense to me, so I can also see that this guy is not the most ideal for marriage. I do recognize that I do not love myself so much and that I don’t know what it means to love oneself. I realize that I need to work on that first.
Anonymous
Salaam sweetie, I’m glad to see you have realized how important it is to love yourself and become closer to Allah. InshaAllah you will find so much peace, love and happiness in that, eventually leading you to finding the life partner who is good for you in deen and duniya.
I hope you also realize that it wasn’t your behavior that pushed the guy away. You did nothing wrong but reacted in a way any normal person would when they were given mixed signals and not treated with respect. It doesn’t matter what he says or makes you think, your reactions were normal and expected, but that’s also why his presence in your life is not good for you. Anyone who brings out insecurities in us are not worth having in our lives.
Allah created you as a beauiful person inside and out, so anyone who can’t see our value that doesn’t deserve you!
Love you so much sweetheart!
Anonymous
Dear Heartbroken,
My heart aches for the pain and struggle you are going through. Moreso because I feel it resembles my life so very much. I’m much older now, in my 30s, but your story brought tears to my eyes because I wish I had someone to tell me what I’m about to tell you.
I met a guy in college. I never thought I would “date” anyone, thinking I’d have an arranged marriage, or at least someone would introduce me to someone they knew was a good guy and we would get to know each other in a very respectable way for a short time and then make istakhara and trust in Allah.
Unfortunately, like you, I instead met a guy in college and we became close friends. He also had certain qualities I liked about him. He seemed like a mature guy with a really good heart. Even being Muslim, he did things that were haraam, but I kept thinking that’s just because society is like that and he hasn’t had good influences around him. Eventually though, I started to feel hurt. Even when he said he liked me more than a friend, he would never make me feel like I was special. If I distanced myself from him, he’d try to come closer, but when I trusted him and became close to him, he made me feel I wasn’t good enough. He’d always find something or the other to complain about me.
And then came the “obsessiveness” and “anxiety” and “possessiveness” for me too…sweetie, it took me wayyy too long to realize that all the obsessiveness, etc was not my fault at all; it was all because I wasn’t grounded in myself and Allah, so the back and forth he did with me, always making me feel I wasn’t good or special enough based on his actions or showing me he wanted to spend time with me, all made me so insecure that I became even more “obsessive,” etc. Then when I started to realize it, I would start distancing myself, but then he missed the attention I gave him so he’d start chasing me again, but then if I became close again, he’d take me for granted all over again.
Sweetie, as girls, we are at such a vulnerable age when we are young. We open our hearts and care deeply. However, guys are quite the opposite when they are young. They are more interested in exploring and getting to know themselves. We, as girls at that age are quite the opposite. We are more selfless when we are young, which is good, but only after we have taken the time to love ourselves and grow, and form a true bond with Allah first. That ensures we will be grounded and selfless at the same time, but only with those who truly deserve it. It also ensures we don’t develop a sense of anxiety, obsessiveness, possessiveness, or any other temporary negative reaction when someone is not treating us with the respect that we deserve. When we take time to love ourselves and grow, and also connect with Allah, it creates a sense of self-respect within us so we can clearly see who is treating us right or wrong, and also helps prevent us from being vulnerable and reacting (in anxiety, etc) when someone doesn’t treat us with the respect we deserve.
Like Fatima suggested, take time to “find a way to love yourself, and help yourself grow into the person you wish to be.” Chances are, like me, you may have a difficult family life or some other personal struggles, so you are looking for love and comfort outside. It took me years to realize all that does is make us more vulnerable. Instead, when I finally came to love myself and love Allah, I became so much more secure and happy. Not only that, when I was secure and grounded, so many people started to show more of an interest in me. What was better was that they were much better people who had stronger values, were secure themselves, were happy, and most importantly could see the amazing person Allah created me to be and treated me with the respect I deserved.
I pray you come to find the amazing diamond Allah has placed inside of you very soon, so it can start to shine brighter than you could ever imagine!
Lots of love!
PS. There’s a book called “Reclaim Your Heart” by Yasmin Mogahed. I haven’t read it, but I’ve heard it’s wonderful, if you want to check it out!
P.S.S. Also, if you do have other family issues, etc, it might help to find a counselor in your area who you can work with. There’s a contact us form on this site if you want them to help you find a Muslim counselor.