Delusional

I am nearly 18 and a female. I daydream and fantasize the life I want to have all the time, but I don’t do anything about it. For the most part, I just think. I also try to escape my problems by watching music videos and soap operas. It is so easily accessible and tempting. I do not know how to continue with my life. I have OCD and sometimes I still pee my pants out of laziness and stress. It takes more time than normal for me in the bathroom so I hold it in and even think about lovemaking and sex as I do so. Sometimes I can no longer hold it. My mother cleans up after me and I feel like a baby. I am not who I want to be and I do not know how to go on living life and the dreams I want to accomplish in the future when I have committed so many shameful acts.

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As salaamu alaykum

It sounds like you are frustrated with where you are currently at in your life and you are having difficulty being patient. At 18 you are not in a position to have already accomplished your dreams or likely even come close to them. I know it can be frustrating dealing with your current struggles and it makes it easy to get consumed in that right now. However, insha’allah you still have a long future ahead of you with a whole world of possibilities open to you. The attainment of dreams and arriving at a place where you are satisfied is something that many people do not fully accomplish in this life. And that is ok. Because this is not the only life and it is certainly not guaranteed that you will be able to fulfill your dreams here. However, the striving toward perfection and continuing on to do your best and be your best is indeed the work of this life. And you will be rewarded for all of the effort that you put in toward that. And at the end of that striving and struggling toward this goal there is most definitely a beautiful and bright future promised to you. Before you insha’allah arrive at that time and that place, this life requires patience.

The word patience in arabic; Sabr- is not a passive word. It is an active verb. Patience does not necessarily mean sitting around and waiting for things to change. Allah says “I do not change a people until they change what is in themselves”. Part of patience is action toward your goal in the moment. You need to make an effort to let go of the end point. Meaning, stop worrying about what will happen or won’t happen or if it will happen. Instead focus in the here and now on what small thing you can do today that will be a stepping stone on your path toward your dreams. You are not in control of whether your dreams will come true in the end, that is up to Allah. But what you are in control of is what you decide to do with your will power today. All of your power to change things only exists in the present moment. If you can refocus your attention on today and move away from dwelling on the past or future, you will insha’allah feel more empowered and more content with your position in life. It really helps us as people to focus on what we can do to change things, no matter how small. Because then you will feel useful and productive and like you are making some progress on your path. There is a saying by an American theologian named Reinhold Niebuhr that is often referred to as “The Serenity Prayer”. It says, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.”

Perhaps you can choose one or two things to focus on that you feel are stepping stones toward the dreams that you speak of. They can simply be writing down some short term goals, or shifting a small thing in your current situation that reminds you of where you want to go and what you want to achieve. Be creative and look around you to see what project you can involve yourself with that would be a positive and constructive effort toward your goals. It could be making something, reading something, applying to a program, anything that has even a little bit to do with what you dream of becoming. And instead of watching that second soap opera episode, put your energy and time into these small constructive projects. Insha’allah if you make these small shifts and focus on what you can change in the present moment, it will help.

Sincerely,

Your brother in Islam,

“Fatima Y”