struggling to stay alive
Dear Fatima,
These next 3 weeks are going to be complete hell because I have so many tests and things going on at school. Then on top of it, I have a sister who is really self centered, nosy, and mean. I have never come across anyone worst my entire life. In any and every conversation I have with anyone in the house, she always gets in between, mocks me and makes me feel bad. No, my sister will never be my best friend. And no, there is absolutely no personal conversation with her, parent, or family therapist that will be able to make her stop. I am a senior and she is a sophomore in high school. I am so done with her stupid attitude and she is simply making my life 15 times more hell. I am failing all my classes and although she is smarter than me, I simply beg my friends because I know her attitude is such that there is no point in me asking. Fatima, please tell me, what do I do with her? I don’t even want to be friends with her anymore. My hatred only increases every day and it feels like I will never come to terms with myself until she somehow disappears from my life.
As Salaam Alaikum,
I am so sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time with your sister. I want to first start off by saying good luck on all of your tests. InshaAllah you will do great. Try and use the next few weeks to solely concentrate on school. Although I can completely empathize with you I feel that you should really take a step back. Sometimes when we are caught up in the middle of a feud or what may seem like a black hole and no light at the end with someone, its usually not as bad. So if you take a step back you can look at the situation a little clearly. See what it is about your sister that really triggers your emotions. Try making a list of things read it aloud and see if they are legitimate issues that you really cannot just loo pass. If they are then perhaps talk to her about it. She is still young and may not completely understand that what she is doing is an annoyance to you. Help her understand. And if that doesn’t work then talk to your your parents. It might be difficult but in time you will see that your sibling will be one of your best friends in life. If anything you want to try because it is requested of you: “No reward do I ask of you for this except the love of those near of kin.” (42:23). Its very important to try and keep those relationships. A few things you might want to consider doing to help you and motivate you through this process:
1. Pray: for yourself and for her. Pray for guidance, strength and peace when dealing with her. Pray that Allah show her peace and guidance.
2. Forgive: Forgiveness is something that flourishes in your body once its done once and you continue to do it. Its humbling to forgive. Holding grudges eat at your inside and really manipulates your heart.
3. Be the bigger person: Of course its not easy and everyone says it but really sometimes a relationship needs a hero, a person who will make the first move (no matter how many times that move is made), someone to compromise and heal.
4. Step into her world: Its never easy to see someone else’s reality but you have to recognize that her reality exists. Step in to her shoes and see what she might be going through – how she might really see you – what struggles she might be facing. it can help you with steps 2 and 3.
Good luck, InshaAllah you will find peace at home and in your heart.
Lots of duas to you and your family,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima X”
Anonymous
Hi Sweetheart,
I’m in my 30s now but your concern made me smile because I was that bratty sister growing up. I think I made my sisters’ lives so painful just because I was self centered and inconsiderate. So since I was who your sister is now, i’ll give you some tough love advice on how I finally became a little more “human” 🙂
1) I was always used to attention….always hungry for it because it came to me in boat loads. People always loved being around me and knowing me. It got me spoilt. My recommendation # 1 is: Stop giving your sister so much attention. It is what fuels her behavior. And not just stop as in don’t talk to her….but stop letting her invade so much of your mind and well being. Treat her like a little kid…somebody silly and immature who has a long way to go in life to learn. It’ll help you be more forgiving towards her if you stop trying to argue with her at her level. If she comes to you and irritates you- genuinely from your heart, don’t care enough to fuel the conversation. Just smile and nod and get on with your day.
2) I had a lot of friends and I ignored my sister. What set me straight later on in life is, when my sisters seemed like they didn’t need me anymore. When they built their own life…when they had their own circle of friends and I was too young to be a part of a mature/sensible group. This will also help you stop giving so much attention (mentally and physically) to your sister’s behavior. Find a group of friends your own age, and invest into them until your sister grows a little older and matures.
3) I always believed my sisters were jealous of me because I had it all- it gave me a huge sense of accomplishment that I am jealous worthy. Yes- total loser mentality. But nevertheless, your sister probably feels the same. And you know WHY? its because of how much she gets to you and how you react to every little thing she does or doesn’t do. Shift focus to your own life….you are older, you have a lot of things you need to accomplish. Obsessing over your sister’s annoying and irritating habits wont’ help you graduate and build a career. Don’t let her have the false satisfaction that you may be jealous. Because you’re not- you actually have a lot more important things to get going with in your own life.
It all boils down to this: FOCUS on yourself. BUILD yourself. Even when you sister finally grows out of her bratty phase….you’ll bump into someone else in life who annoys you. You can’t always let people get under your skin and make you stop living your own life and failing your tests. So learn to be more about YOU and less about anyone else.
Best Wishes