Continuous Problems

Dear Fatima, I’m trying to be a more confident girl, not because I’m a senior in high school and I have a reputation to build but because I really want to present myself well so that I am myself and don’t shy away even when I’m not the perfect star everyone loves. My father however, sometimes shatters this confidence. Today, I had a short interview and the first thing he told me was that is a bad thing. He didn’t ask anything more and simply shrugged and walk away. With all my efforts, I ignored his words because I know there are many good reasons as to why it could have been short and regardless of how much I stress, it won’t change the outcome of their decision in any way. The problem is, I can’t take his attitude anymore. It isn’t even worth talking to him about it. In order to be respectful, I have started to ignore him instead of talking back and yelling. Still, he has high impatience, high temper, and speaks hurtful words that are  making my life and my being full of low self-esteem and worthlessness. Fatima, please help me. what can I do?

As Salaam Alaikum,

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your father. It isn’t easy gaining confidence when those who are supposed to help you are the ones bringing you down. I think you are on the right path seeking advice but I strongly encourage you to seek out a professional therapist in your area, one that has knowledge of your culture and that can help you become stronger. 

A few things you can do to help this:

1. Dua: For whatever problems and difficulties we face, we also have the most powerful tool to help us become stronger: dua. Trust in Allah that all that you are going through is for something better. Allah only puts us through situations we can handle. Trust that Allah has something far better planned than you could ever imagine. Pray for yourself: to gain strength to not let your fathers negative words impact you, for you to have sabr and sukoon in your heart, enough to forgive your father; as it is extremely important to be forgiving. Make dua for your father: that Allah shows him that his words are hurtful to you, pray Allah grants him peace in his heart and lightens his heart to show his compassion and love that he indeed has in him for you. 

2. Pray: The act of prayer the motions and the sitting and talking to Allah is all part of strengthening your inner soul. This will help you come to terms with anything your father says. Mediation also helps in dealing with situations in the moment and allows you to step back and not react right away to anything your father might say. 

3. Activities: Keep yourself busy in activities that interest you. Build up new hobbies – this will help gain confidence in your skills. Try new things, like if you don’t paint, try painting.

4. Make lists: One of your strengths, one of your achievements, and one of things you admire of yourself. Keep this in a safe place and read over it regularly. 

5. Dress, eat and exercise well. All of these will impact how you act. 

6. Volunteer: Get involved in volunteering your time with the elderly, orphans, homeless. 

7. Talk to your father: this one might be difficult depending on your culture – but try and explain to him that when he says something like the scenario you described that it makes you feel really bad and low. 

8. If talking to you father doesn’t work, keep you distance. You cannot cut ties with your father, as it is frowned upon, but continue to hold your tongue and remember that his words are just words. They do not reflect who YOU are. 

9. Surround yourself with positive people. People who know you and love you for who you are and recognize the beauty that is in you. 

10. Forgive: Forgiveness is something that flourishes in your body. Its humbling to forgive. Holding grudges eat at your inside and really manipulates your heart.

You cannot break your relationship with your father, as he will always be your father – but you can learn to take what he says with a grain of salt and not let yourself get down. You are an intelligent young woman that can achieve anything she wants, don’t let anyone ever let you feel otherwise. Good luck – my duas are with you.

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima X”