Domestic Abuse

Hi, I’m a senior girl  in high school living in the United States. I was born in the U.S., but my family is from Iran.  My mom and dad came to the U.S. for his job. We went back and forth from the U.S. to Iran. Since second grade, we have stayed here without moving. We only visit Iran. My mom really misses Iran. I make excuses for not studying at home, but it is difficult to concentrate on starting homework. I have a mental disorder and I go on the Internet a lot to escape. My dad is a good man with a big-heart but has a really bad behavior and temper. He gets really angry over simple things, and yells and curses a lot. He sometimes hits my mom. He doesn’t hit her brutally like breaking her arm or making her bleed badly for example, but he still hits her. He put his hand on her mouth in front of me. They act like its not that big of a deal.  My mother once said that  men find excuses to hit their wives. How can they show this type of husband-and-wife relationship to me? And my mom says that in Islam, a man isn’t supposed to hit his wife. It’s ironic that she says this, and awkward for me. I’ve called the police last year even. I don’t know what to do to stop it, and worry that as payback for remaining  silent, my husband will hit me in the future. Do I have the right to divorce him even if he hits me once? On top of that, my parents make me angry. They expect me to get married, no doubt because every sane Muslim person should get married. My dad is especially strict about it. He has the nerve to tell me to get married in the future after what he’s done to my mom? Also,there’s a “rule” that I have to marry an Iranian because I am an Iranian. Everyone will look at me “weird” in Iran if I don’t, or something, and everyone has to marry their own race. My parents also don’t think of my mental disorder, which my dad has and many people in my distant family also have, as a big deal. They say everyone has anxiety and I can fix myself if I want to. My mon says she has anxiety, too, and  when she was younger she was not as good  with  dealing with it. I can fix it, but it is not as easy as it seems. I need more help. Also, could I  tell my non-Muslim American therapist that my dad hits my mom? It’s confidential, and I want her to help me.

As Salaam Alaikum,

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Its very tough to process things such a domestic violence and anxiety when you don’t have a very strong support group. I’d like to start with you seeking help for your anxiety. You mentioned you are seeing a nonMuslim therapist and that is totally fine. It is sometimes helpful to see someone that knows your culture as they can relate and help you maneuver through cultural baggage. You are still young, I’d strongly urge you to not be thinking about marriage and focus on getting help with your anxiety and learn how to manage it better. I’d also encourage you to focus on school. Marriage will come, inshaAllah, and when it does you can consider if the person presented to you is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Marriage is not about living in fear and Islam does not allow any room for violence. It is not normal for a man to hit his wife. The Prophet Sallallahu Ta’ala Alayhi Wa Aalihi Wa Sallam was married 38 years and never hit his wives. When dispute did occur, his response actually was withdrawal as God mentions in the Quran instead of spanking anyone even in the mildest possible way.  What is going on with your parents is not ok and it is something they must be able to work on their own. It is not your responsibility to fix them. You mother needs gain support and courage to leave if that is something she wants to do – it cannot be forced on her. I’d only suggest you get involved if your mother’s life is in danger and or if you are in physical danger. Perhaps to help your mother you can suggest she seeks out therapy. Depending on where you live there are places that offer help for Muslim Women in particular that are living in fear (like in the Baltimore MD area theres a Muslim Women’s center called Muslimat Nisaa).

 Here are a few things you can do to help yourself:

1. Pray/Meditate: meditation and prayer are very helpful in controlling anxiety. 

2. Exercise: Running and other physical activities relase happy endorphins into your body and can help you control some anxiety. 

3. Continue to seek therapy: If you are comfortable with the therapist you have currently then continue to see them. You can also find someone who is familiar with Irany culture and tat can help you deal with the anxiety that comes from home life. 

4. Start a journal: Sometimes writing things down can really help in channeling your thoughts. Once you do you can read what you have down and it can give some clarity to the situation. 

5. Find other activities to keep yourself busy: Distractions help. Try a new hobby like painting. 

 I pray this helps you and you find peace in your life. 

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima X”

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As Salaam Alaykum Sister,

Thank you for sharing your experience.  Millions of kids throughout in our country endure the pain of witnessing and being exposed to domestic abuse/violence in the home but don’t talk about it because they are fearful of what will happen if they do.  Inshallah, your courage in raising this issue in our own community helps others who may be faced with the same dilemma. 

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive behaviors is used to gain or maintain power and control over another person.  The behaviors that you have described due to your dad’s temper fit into the different forms of domestic abuse we know exist in many families. 

• Physical Abuse: hitting, punching, slapping, shoving, kicking, pulling hair
• Verbal Abuse:  screaming, yelling, shouting, cursing ,
• Emotional and Psychological Abuse: threatening, insulting, controlling, scaring, destroying personal belongings, and
• Sexual Abuse:  forcing sex, hurting sexually

Your mom is absolutely right about Islam and domestic violence. There are countless references to how domestic violence is unacceptable in Islam.  Dr. Sharifa Alkhateeb’s explains some of this in Ending Domestic Violence in Muslims Families:

                             Under no circumstances is violence against women encouraged

                             or allowed. The holy Qur’an contains tens of verses extolling

                             good treatment of women. Several specifically enjoin kindness

                             to women (2:229-237; 4:19; 4:25). These verses make it clear

                             that the relationship between men and women is to be one

                             of kindness, mutual respect, and caring.

 Your concerns about how this unhealthy abusive relationship impacts you is extremely critical. Experts believe that children who witness or are exposed to domestic violence in the household have negatively affects their emotional, psychological, and physical growth and well-being.  

Children’s short term reactions to domestic violence may include:

• Generalized anxiety
• Sleeplessness
• Nightmares
• Difficulty concentrating
• High activity levels
• Increased aggression
• Increased anxiety about being separated from a parent
• Intense worry about their safety or the safety of a parent

Kids who have had long-term exposure may develop depression, anxiety, physical health problems and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  You’ve already explained that you’ve been having trouble concentrating and feeling anxious.  I wonder how long you have been dealing with this situation at home and how much of it has impacted you?

Some experts also suggest that kids who grow up in households where there is domestic violence are more likely to either become victims of domestic violence or the abusers in relationships (Whitefield, 2003).  The experience of growing up with domestic violence can affect your ability to develop healthy relationships in the future if you don’t get help.  There is this cycle of violence that continues with each generation because it is a learned behavior.  The key is to get help so that the cycle of domestic violence is broken within your own family.

Often times, kids are at higher risk of abuse and neglect when there is domestic violence in the home.  I don’t know if this has happened to you but sometimes kids get caught up in the abuse in the home and get hurt. There is are statistics that suggest that half of the kids growing up with domestic violence may also be abused or neglected.  You indicated that you called the police before when your parents were fighting and I’m not sure what the outcome was but, I assuming that you were trying to get help for your parents as well as yourself.

I’m glad to know that you are seeing a therapist because it’s not easy to manage this on your own without guidance from a helping professional. I understood however, that you have not shared this part of your life experience with your therapist because you have concerns about whether the therapist would keep your confidence.  Your therapist most likely will attempt to help you understand your options while providing you with the support you need.  If you are also being physically or sexually abused by your father or mother and are under the age of 18, the therapist may be required to intervene and get you the help you need because of child abuse laws within your state.  If this is not the case, meaning there is no physical or sexual abuse that you have experienced, your therapist (Muslim or non-Muslim) will not be mandated to report the abuse.  Either way, your therapist may be a good starting point to help you and your family begin to deal with the problem. 

I would like to also offer this resource that I hope helps you and others who may be dealing with a similar situation. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) is a 24-hour hotline and the counselors there are able to provide more information about what you can do.

With great concern and hope,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima W”