should I live?
Dear Fatima,
I am a senior in high school and I don’t know if I should live anymore. I really need an ADD therapist but haven’t been able to find one. I am not skilled in being organized, getting good grades, or having friends. I lost my retainer for the second time because of my ADD disability that makes me unorganized and my parents have been so pissed off that I am having extreme, extreme anxiety. I have lots of B’s in school and my personality is so unattractive that even for a facebook friendship, people say, “I don’t feel comfortable adding everyone”. Yet they have facebook friendship with people that they know way less than me. They haven’t seen them for years and yet they are comfortable being friends with them and not me?!?!? I am going crazy because I have become so dysfunctional. I turn in one direction and the people I consider my friends, they hate on me. I turn the other way and now my parents/family is angry. Every day my parents find something to be angry at me for, I have no support. I focus in yet another way, academically,and my teachers think I don’t try hard enough/follow instructions and that I am only working for the grade. In fact, one of my teachers yelled at me a few days ago and said that she told all the teachers about how horrible I am as a student. I believe in Allah, I know I can ask him for help. But if I am completely honest with myself right now, I have absolutely no one and my belief in Allah has started to die off. I cannot seek counseling because my family already hates me so much right now and they would not pay a penny for it. Fatima, I am really, really contemplating suicide. Please share my words with an ADD counselor if you know of one and tell me what they say. Do you think there is any reason I should stay alive? If I stay alive, what should I do with myself as a loner in this dunya?
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
It is really tough to be different from the people around you. It’s even harder when they are having trouble understanding you and why your brain works differently than they way others’ brains do.
Has your school counselor been helpful in finding answers of how to work with your ADD in school or in helping you find an ADD specialist who can work with you?
You say you have lots of B’s – with all the challenges that ADD presents a student, I think having a 3.0 GPA or higher is pretty good! It may not be where you wish you would be, but it is still very good. So maybe being kinder to yourself and having reasonable expectations will help some of your anxiety.
You are absolutely right that getting the expert help you need is going to be the most helpful. Since online resources seem to be helpful to you, you might want to look at these two sites to see if their webinars and support groups might help give you some of the tools you need to understand how to manage what you are experiencing. Finding the right tools will help tremendously in the way you feel and allow you to see some of the light that is around you but that gets hard to see on cloudy days.
http://www.chadd.org/Support/Ask-the-Expert-Online-Chats.aspx
http://psychcentral.com/resources/Attention_Deficit_Disorder/Support_Groups/
Speaking of light – Allah’s light of guidance is always shining.
And for loners, Allah’s knowledge of us and Allah’s company along the path we walk until we find true companions is very valuable. Who else would know us better than the One that created us?
An exercise some people find calming and soothing is to get a list of the names of Allah and read them out loud until you find one that hits you, and to then slowly make dhikr using that name. Or to make du’a to Allah (swt) using that name. Finding 5 minutes to do this every time you start getting agitated might help you establish a ritual that will work to calm you quickly and help you focus when you need it.
wa ‘alaykum salam,
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima Z”
Anonymous
Asalaamu alaykum sweetie, ان شاء الله everything will be ok, thank Allah for the blessings. Sometimes when you get too close to people, you need to be pulled back and re focus. Love for the sake of Allah is beautiful. When you love someone who reminds you of Allah. Think about finding righteous companions and don’t worry about those girls at your high school. It is a good thing to be distanced from people who only distract you from Islam. It is a blessing that you have the free time, so make good use of it. It is a blessing because you can remember Allah more. There is no benefit of engaging in idle talk with those girls. Trials are a part of this dunya. Have sabrun jameel (beautiful patience) You do not need those girls. We just need Allah, the most Loving, the most Merciful. You are more beautiful than those girls, please do not let them affect you in any way. There is a book called “reclaim your heart” by yasmin mogahed that discusses a lot of what you are going through, and how you should deal with the situation. Asalaamu alaykum.
Anonymous
Hi Sweetheart,
You know as I read your post, I thought- sometimes as humans we underestimate our Allah so much. I had your life- nobody really cared for being my friend, I wasn’t popular and I usually (still to this day) make people angry at me very easily.
The best thing to come out of being a loner is, learning how to rely on nobody. All the people you see around you who require friends/supports and DEPENDENT on those relationships to feel good about themselves. The day even one of those relationships falls apart- they will too. So my sweet, sweet little angel…you are strong to have come all this way on your own. And it only gets better. Today, when I stopped chasing people- eventually people come to me. Today, when I stopped being angry at myself, I realized I’m actually one strong person. Today, when I read your letter, it makes me a little sad that you’re willing to give up…but if you give yourself that time, to make it through this temporary struggle- you will achieve a level of peace and serenity that nobody around you else has.
It takes this miserable feeling to hit rock bottom….but then when things begin to turn around, it makes it all the more special because you’ve seen the worst of it.
I’ll be the first to tell you…high school kinda sucks anyway. It’s college where you begin to build your life. Take the lessons you learnt with you in high school….and be a new , refreshed and happier you. Let people come to you…you don’t need to go after anyone. Smile often, watch funny movies, go tell your parents “i think i have ADD, instead of yelling- please help”. We take life so seriously, sometimes saying things calmly with a smile fixes it all.
Lastly…you’re not alone kid. If only you knew HOW MANY of us suffer these feelings…you would almost start laughing. It’s a mad world out there. So many people pretending they got it together…but inside, we are all a little broken. Just go with the flow. Wake up and say ” I got this.” with a big gorgeous SMILE
We are here whenever you need us
Best Wishes
Anonymous
my school counselor has not been successful at helping me find an ADD specialist 🙁
I have tried seeking her help as well but she keeps thinking she isn’t the right person to necessarily help me either. I am so, so stressed out
HA18
It sounds like you feel like doors are being closed all around you. It’s very stressful. Please don’t lose hope. There is always something. When a door closes, a window will open.
There are the resources that “Fatima Z” provided. One of them was to a webinar or you can listen to previous webinars. The title of one of the webinars was, “Not the Same Experience: Realistic School Expectations with ADHD – See more at: http://www.chadd.org/Support/Ask-the-Expert-Online-Chats.aspx#sthash.SsYvhCMm.dpuf”
I know that one webinar will not help you solve everything that is going on, but you need to start somewhere. One webinar will lead you to something else. The more you learn, the more you see how others are coping with it will help you at least start and make some realizations for yourself on how to take care of yourself. It should help decrease your anxiety when you can put things in perspective.
It might not feel that way, but you are not alone in dealing with these stressful situations. You are strong enough to learn things about yourself, little by little, and build a life for yourself. Nothing in anyone’s life is constant. This too shall pass.
These are other resources:
http://connect.additudemag.com/groups/group/ADHD_Teens_and_Young_Adults/
This might help with your parents?:
http://www.additudemag.com/topic/parenting-adhd-children/teens.html
Feel free to keep posting and commenting. Let us know how you’re doing.
HA18
You should absolutely live. You are a beautiful creation of Allah swt. Sometimes when life is crashing down on us, we don’t feel that way. But you are.
Getting B’s is great! It’s great that you want A’s, but to put things in perspective, there are people who don’t have ADD and they can’t do what you are doing. I am really proud of you for keeping up your GPA. Great job.
I am sorry your teacher said that mean thing to you 🙁 and I am sorry some of your friends act like they don’t want to add you on fb. I am also sorry that your family isn’t providing you with the support that you want. It’s really tough feeling like you’re not being treated fairly or like others. To put things in perspective again, there are people who don’t have ADD and who still hear mean things from teachers and feel like they’re not being treated fairly by friends or family.
Your issues are not just from ADD. Don’t think you are a loner in this world dealing with these issues that nobody else has. I am sure you know this already. As humans, we all deal with the mistakes and “human-ness” of others.
I hope your school counselor, or the resources “Fatima Z” provided can help you find some peace. I wonder if your school counselor could help you with your parents? I hope going to your school counselor can be a stepping stone for you to move past this.
Please continue to be strong. You are a compassionate, intelligent, and wonderful person. You are a fighter.
“Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety, after all it is only in the darkest nights that stars shine more brightly.”
― Hazrat Imam Ali Ibn Abu-Talib A.S
Hold on to hope! Allah will provide it as long as you keep trying.