Misunderstood.
Dear Fatima,
Recently I’ve been incredibly stressed. Everything bad that could possibly happen is all happening at once, and I’m too weak to cope. I can’t talk to my parents about this, because they insistently say “You can do it, you can do it” without even realizing the pressure I’m under. I wake up in tears every day. I don’t know how to be happy, or friendly.
My parents notice this, which makes things worse. They think my sadness and attitude is a direct result of my supposed anger with them. This proceeds to blow everything out of proportion when they victimize themselves. “What have we ever done to you? You’re ungrateful, you’re lazy, I never want to see your face.” And I know that I shouldn’t take these words to heart, especially when they’re just angry with me. But on top of every other stress, I am stressing about my parents being angry with me. My inability to cope with all this pressure has cause me to fall behind, at life, at school, keeping up with my friends.
I feel like a failure and a loser. I feel like it’s pointless to have any dreams and goals if my parents really do think I’m such a horrible person. My confidence and motivation is lost. And I can’t manage my time anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore, because the environment at home is especially toxic right now. If I’m sad, I’m ungrateful, inconsiderate, a failure. If I’m happy, I should expect that things won’t stay that way. I’ll just be upset all over again.
What do I do?
H.
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
Stressful things can feel much bigger if you are also feeling alone! I am glad that you took the time to reach out to get some support.
From what you are describing, it sounds like perhaps your parents might be feeling just as overwhelmed and helpless as you seem to be. They can see you are hurting and perhaps feel like if they had been better parents perhaps you wouldn’t be hurting so much… and it sounds like you are feeling like a failure coping with the stress you are facing and they are feeling like failures as parents.
What is important to remember is that life is full of tests, some smaller and some larger (sometimes these are referred to as “fitna”). The smaller tests are opportunities for us to build up our ability to be patient, or be merciful to others. The larger tests, they really push us, squeeze us, stretch us. They reveal larger areas that we need to work on… and are opportunities for us to realize GREAT strengths we may have never known we had.
I’m not sure if your parents are religious, but one verse in the Qur’an that strikes me as helpful for reframing this issue is in Surah Baqarah (2), verse 214, which states “Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: “When (will come) the help of Allah.” Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near!”
So, this means that stress is bound to happen, and it’s bound to be tough at times. It also means that the Prophet and his companions “were so shaken in spirit” — which means that if we feel this way, it’s also normal. Notice that in this verse Allah (swt) speaks directly to the reader… it doesn’t say “tell them that the help of Allah is near” it says, they cried out “where is the help of Allah?” and Allah responds directly that his help is near. For me, that is always incredibly comforting – to know that the help of the All Powerful, the All Knowing, the Wise, was near.
In terms of practical tips, if you benefit from journaling, sometimes getting down all the challenges down on paper and using that list to divide and conquer is helpful. Other times, it will help you identify a theme that is behind several of the issues you are facing. For example, you might find that several of the challenges exist because you need better time management skills, or because you lose confidence when faced with them. Once you figure out a theme like that you can develop a plan to work on the underlying issue that will help with several issues at once.
It also sounds like it would be helpful for you to find a group of supportive people to be there for you when the going gets tough.
Verily the help of Allah is near…
wa ‘alaykum salam,
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima Z”
HA18
It sounds to me like your parent don’t really give you an “excuse”. It’s like they don’t allow you to be weak and want you to rise up against all your obstacles in life. If you complain to them, instead of listening compassionately, they tell you that everything will be fine and to not be lazy.
They are not wrong. We all have to do that when it comes to our stresses and obstacles in life. It is what makes us successful human beings. But sometimes, we just want someone to talk to about our problems and will respond to us saying “yea man that sucks”. We just want to feel understood, like our issues are real issues.
Besides journaling which is a great tip by “Fatima Z”, there is a website called 7 cups of tea. If you are having trouble finding a friend or family member who will listen, I recommend going on that website. A lot of people in our lives don’t know how to listen without giving advice/passing judgement. It’s just our human nature to want to fix the things that bother the people we love. Especially parents who want everything to be perfect for the kids they love. At that website you can talk to someone for free who will just listen to whatever is going on. Sometimes that helps when you just need to deal.
Ultimately though, we do need to rise above our stresses. We can’t let ourselves wallow in our tears. I am sure you will.
For the sake of your own happiness, forgive your parents. Nobody has perfect parents. As amazing or reliable they can sometimes be for us, they will never fill our every need. It might be good for you to realize the strengths and weaknesses of your parents. This may help control some of the toxicity you feel at home.
Anonymous
Hi Sweetie,
The thing is, we don’t often find out until we are a lot older that what you are going through is actually every third person’s story. Reading what you wrote was rekindling some unwanted memories in my head…because I’ve been there.
There is a phase in life where we all either sincerely connect with our parents or extremely disconnect. My sisters connected while I unfortunately, disconnected. It took my father getting cancer for me to realize- I can’t hold grudges against the people who raised me. They, as parents, are doing their best with us…whether we think so or not. I am a parent today and I am struggling each day to do my absolute best for my kids, but I know already when they grow up- they will think 1) I never understood them 2) i wasn’t good enough.
I’m focusing on the parent side of your situation because you need to understand…THEY are not the problem, THEY are not the reason you feel down and THEY are just good ol parents saying what they think is the next best thing to say.
So that brings the focus to YOU. Stress is such a big part of our lives…we can either learn to handle it or let it break us into pieces. You know what’s interesting? Today your stress may be school/friends/parents….and when those stresses go away, they are replaced with new kinds of stress factors marriage/career/kids. And its not just for you- every human has stress factors in their life. How YOU decide to deal with this, is in your hands. You make the choice…today and right now.
Wake up, tell yourself “i’m gonna do this” and breeze through the day, smile come what may, learn to love the troubles, and look around you…there is SO, SO much to be grateful for. You have eyes? Alhamdulilah. Be Grateful. You have legs which let you walk wherever you want? Alhamdulilah. Be Grateful. You have a roof over your head? Food on your table? Fingers to write/type with? A brain to use towards expanding your knowledge? You lucky li’l thing.
You know what helps me, when even today as an adult I feel overwhelmed? I look at those who are suffering. I follow stories on FB , such as the story of Tripp Halstead…he’s a little boy who suffered brain injury at school at the age of 2. His mom updates his FB page every day…and when you see HER, a woman suffering true pain, THANKING God for a day in which her child didn’t have a high heart rate or threw up until his face turned yellow…you feel SO blessed.
I hope you feel better. The first step to feeling better is knowing that this life is entirely in YOUR hands, how you feel is in YOUR hands.
Best Wishes,