unholy…

hey stb people, lemme just say a thing:

when i found out this website existed, i cried. i cried because i, for once, felt that there might be people out there that can help and support me in my really problematic life :/

so yea i feel like this might be a little long, but since this may be my only chance of ever getting help or emotional support i’ll just write what i want to. im sorry if this whole thing is really dumb and i sound like im trying to get attention and all that. and also im sorry if my problems may not seem to be as serious as other people’s problems, but i really just want to rant and get stuff off of my chest. ok, here we go, i guess:

DEAR FATIMA,

im a 15 year old girl of pakistani descent living in the usa. im super disconnected with my parents, but whatever

i have been to public school from preschool to second grade, and from third grade to seventh grade i went to a very “prestigious” islamic school.

and after seventh grade…. i left school to join hifz. (complete quran memorization program, for those who aren’t familiar with the term)

SO in the year i was supposed to be in 8th grade, i was in a madrasa, memorizing the holy Qur’an. Yea, it sounds pretty good, but the thing is that i was really stupid to think it was gonna be easy. its hard, like srsly, but  i never took it srsly.

and right here im in my third year of struggling to finish memorizing the Quran (not even close like barely 15% done)

LET ME TELL YOU WHATS SCREWED UP:  im so stupid i thought i could freaking finish memorizing  in one year (its possible, i know ppl who’ve done it), but i didn’t realize that it was impossible for a dumbass like me (excuse my language, im just describing myself)

so what i’ve noticed is that each year i went off track in different ways, like TOTALLY DISTANT from religion and stuff.

the first year of hifz i was in a small madrasa which was in a shabby warehouse building with like 2 sides separated by a curtain for boys and girls. the first few months i was memorizing good and well, until one day i got myself into some sh!t.  see there was a new girl who came into our class, she was 2 years older than me, i was 13 then, she was 15/16.

we got along pretty well, she was super popular in our community of islamic schools and masjids, all the boys loved her, she was pretty and smart and SO GOOD AT BASKETBALL OMG

but yea, i was the total opposite of her, and naturally, i was jealous.  one day,  we were hanging out during our break time, and we were talking about cute boys. now, keep in mind we were in a madrasa for the holy Quran, so it was strictly forbidden to talk about that kind of stuff.  she asked me if  i had seen any cute boys in the madrasa we were in, i said i didn’t, and so she showed me a tall, dark, (cute) boy about her age. and then she said that he was the cutest guy there, and i agreed to that.

she was super outgoing and not afraid of anything so she went up to the boy, and chatted with him, while i watched from a distance.  when she came back, she said she got his email address. and she gave it to me, and told me to email him for her because she couldn’t cuz her mom checked her email.  she told me to ask him a few questions about his personality and stuff, just to get to know the cutie better.

so i went home, made a fake email account and emailed him, introducing myself as the girl’s friend and asked him about stuff. i was so excited for some reason, it was wierd, like you could tell he was only interested in the other girl, not me, but  i told him that i liked him without telling my friend that i did.

so yea every night i would email him, and go to madrasa the next day to tell her about him and stuff. we would both giggle about how “romantic” he was eww lol.  he was so greasy now that i think about it *shudders*

but yea, one night i was talking to him over email, and heres where it gets wierd:

we started sexting.

*throws up out of embarrassment*

it was so strange and new for me but i liked it lolololol eww it was so gross i really regret that. and it was also funny because i was so new to the concept of sex back then, i had no idea what that 16 year old boy wast talking about half the time, but i just enjoyed it.

later on i told my friend that i sexted him and she was all like “dang hes a playa” and i was like “what” because i didn’t know what that meant. she said that he didn’t sext because he liked me, but because he liked sexting.. and that made me feel… idk it was strange.  so at night i asked him if he liked me as a girlfriend and he said no and i got sad and i stopped focusing on Quran and everything. i started to listen to alot of music and i started to chase after other boys and basically i was totally  boy crazy it was weird.

the first year of hifz i had barely anything done at all it was so horrible i feel so bad. im a professional time waster, and i procrastinate EVERYTHING

during the begining of the second year, i was a little addicted to the internet more than i ever was.

i did a lot of wierd things….. i started cutting myself just for attention. like srsly cutting all over my forearms.

it was one of the worst decisions ever.  the first few cuts on my wrist i showed to that same friend, and she asked me if i was doing it for attention, and of course, i didn’t say i was because that would make me sound so DUMB OMg

but yea i did it for attention.  and that made me feel stupid, which led to more cutting, gradually slitting my legs all over the place.

it was a strange feeling… it was as if i felt like i needed to do it.  later in that same month, one of my closest friends from my old islamic school had her mother pass away from lung cancer. it was so sad, we were all sad.  i visited her alot and we had really deep conversations about life and love and stuff. she told me about her mom, and how she was abused as a child and all her deep secrets. and that made me think that i was really dumb to cut myself for no reason at all, and so i told her about my cutting.  she wasn’t disturbed by it, she was only concerned..

we got closer to each other by knowing each others secrets.

and then later i developed a strange addiction. i was addicted to go onto these strange video chatting websites and talking to boys that i thought were cute. and every now and then one of the boys would ask me to… um… remove clothing…

and me, being a TOTAL DUMBASS complied to their requests. and now when i look back at these stupid acts i feel super embarrased to know that A HECK OF A LOT of strange internet boys have seen my naked body.

idk, but it made me feel good…. *throws up out of embarrassment*

im so dumb adfljasldfja;lfdjalsdkfjalsfja;ldkfj;aldskja;ldjkfa;lskd

i just wanna cut my self whenever i think about that stuff urghghgh

oh yea and i was still in hifz right, so i didn’t have any regular school education, so my parents enrolled me into this hella expensive online school, that we could barely afford

and i FAILED EVERY SINGLE CLASS

like it costed thousands but i wasted all my parents’ money because i was lazy and dumb and i never did any of the work, since it was online,  i would pretend i was doing the schooling, but in reality i was talking to strange boys

i wasted a lot of time and money

and as you could tell, i wasn’t super religious, i still am not, but i didn’t focus on quran last year or anything.

so that was the worst year ever like i didnt do anything, it was much much much worse than the year before that.

and a few months later, it was ramadan (the one that just passed) and my aunt’s whole family came over to stay at our home for the ramadan month.

my aunt has a son who is my age, and i really think he was pretty cute. and it might seem gross that i liked my cousin, but i did 😛

i  thought he was so cool, he had a girlfriend, he smoked weed, he was just impressive to me.

so one night in ramadan, our family came back from taraweeh prayer and they went to sleep, while me and that cousin stayed awake talking to each other.  now, i have no idea why, but i told him about everything that i just wrote down on this post. idk but i liked the way he made me feel, he was a chill cousin.  sometimes we would be awkward, we touched each other innapropriately, and it was wierd.

my mom noticed that i was interacting with him alot, and she told everyone in the family to watch me and him and prevent us from being alone together, and i realize my mom did this for my own good, no matter how awk it was.

YEaa so that was the last thing that was wierd.

so after ramadan, i joined a NEW hifz program, in hopes of getting more stuff done. and yea i feel like im supposed to be doing better, but i procrastinate everything

im such a wierd piece of failure right?

haha im gonna cry now, byeee *digs a hole and lives in it for 50 years*

p.s.  im sorry for anyone who read all of this stupidness which is my life.

p.s.s.  and this is not all the problems that i have, but im saving those for later i think

p.s.s.s.  sorry again

p.s.s.s.s.  i didnt read over the whole thing, and i don’t wanna, so if nothing makes sense at all just ignore.

p.s.s.s.s.s  please don’t ignore me

============================================================

Assalamu ‘alaykum, 

Yes, your post was long, but it gave great insight into how you feel about yourself and how you talk to yourself.

I think your very last post script was the most powerful – “please don’t ignore me” 

It sounds like that you have been ignored or given the message that you are somehow unlovable and that you might believe that message.

It also sounds like that all the things you have done have been ways that you were trying to either get love, or prove that you were worthy of attention. The procrastination could be just about learning the right skills so that you can reach your goals, or it could be coming from not believing that you are worthy of memorizing the Qur’an.

Does that sound about right?

Now I want to make a distinction — “trying to get attention” and “worthy of attention” are different. 

Worthiness is about feeling like you deserve to be loved and respected.

and when you feel worthy, it’s easier to turn down requests from people who ask you to do things that you find disrespectful — because you respect yourself.

So if this sounds like it’s on target, then the question becomes “How do I work on how I feel about myself?”

I’m not sure where in the world you are living right now and whether or not counseling would be an option for you.

Since you are studying Qur’an, maybe you could read through the meaning of all the verses that talk about tawbah (repentance). Read a little before or a little after so that you understand the story around the particular verse, but I think spending time on that and journaling your thoughts and feelings might begin to give you some insights that might help you figure out where to start this process towards becoming the person that you want yourself to be.  It’s in your hands.

wa ‘alaykum salam,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima Z”

============================================================

 

As Salaam Alaikum,

I think its wonderful that you are trying to complete the memorization of the Quran – I can imagine how difficult it can be not only to accomplish the task but to also fight distractions. Perhaps this would be a good time for you to step back from hifz and try to refocus your intentions a little. Consider going back to a traditional schooling system where you will have more structure. You might also want to consider taking on more extra curricular activities like art or playing in sports. I think it is important for you to refocus and understand why you decided to go into hifz in the first place. I also suggest you take time to read the Quran without attempting to just memorize it. Read the translation and understand the importance of the Quran and Islam in your life. I highly encourage you to talk to your parents and let them help you figure out a better plan that will allow you to have more structure and gain a full education. Though I think religion is very important I also feel understanding religion is just as important. Start with the basics and reintroduce to yourself why Islam is important to you. I would also suggest engaging in new friends that can help you stay focussed on a future that you want. In addition to readdressing the Quran, perhaps you can write down your goals for this month, then year, then next 5 years. And go  back to this list every so often to see what you have accomplished. You are an intelligent young lady who is aware of what you want to be.You now need to learn how to become more self confident and take control of your life. I encourage you to seek professional help in your area – sometimes a therapist can help you come up with clear goals and realistic ways to accomplish them. 

I wish you luck in all you do and I pray you do not lose focus. 

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima X”