Muslim girl ran away

One of our Muslim youth leaders ran away from home when she turned 18. She was a role model for the youth in our community. Very few people know and are devastated.

1. How could we support her? she talks over social media to some of her friends but not her family.

2. How could we support her family? they are highly respected members of the community.

3. How could we support the Muslim youth (those who know now and those who might know in the future given that they all looked up to her), and the community at large.

Jazakom Allah khair.

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Dear “Muslim Girl Ran Away”

That is a difficult thing for your community to be dealing with and trying to make sense of. I imagine that there must be something going on with this girl that perhaps people were not aware of and that is why it is shocking for those around her. Given that we may not know the details of why she ran away, it is difficult to know exactly how to approach it. Being that she is 18, legally speaking it is not considered “running away”. However, obviously to her family and friends it feels exactly like that since she seemingly gave no warning or explanation for her action. 

I think it is great that you are concerned with how to support those affected by this, as you have the foresight to understand that it could bring up a lot of questions and emotions. Here are my thoughts on your questions;

1. If you are able to communicate with her via social media I think the best way to start supporting her is to let her know that you’re there unconditionally and that you understand that she must be going through something significant right now. There may be a very good reason for her to run away and you don’t want to make her feel guilty for how others have reacted to her actions. Find out, if you can, directly from her what she is going through so that you can provide the appropriate support. Offer her an ear to listen to and let her know that she has people who care about her. I imagine that she ran away because she did not feel safe to some degree and for some reason. So it’s important first and foremost to help her to feel safe. Then you can work on how to help her from a more practical standpoint after that and once she invites you to help her in that way.

2. I think the best way to support her family is to let them know that she is safe. Without getting involved in the details of the situation, as it’s best to let their daughter offer the details first on her own, you can at least make some contact and offer support as someone who may know a little more information of her condition. The main thing is for them to know that she is not in danger and that she maybe just needs some space to cool down so that they can hear from her what is actually going on and know better how to work toward a resolution. But I would suggest being very careful in regards to how much information is shared about the girl without her permission, as she is the one who is apparently not feeling safe, since she ran away. Therefore the main objective is to get her to be the one to make moves towards communication and readiness to talk.

3. It is probably best to try and keep this as private as possible for this girl until she can work out what is going on for her. If too many people get involved it can bring unwanted and unnecessary focus and pressure on to this girl’s private affairs and could have a negative affect on her. If people already know and they want to make sense of it, the best thing to do is to encourage them to wait and give this girl some space and to send her support in their dua, keeping her in their thoughts and prayers. Encourage them not to draw conclusions about what happened and who is at fault. No one knows what the reality is of the situation is and so it’s best that they not try to make conjecture so as to avoid any negative assumptions and gossip.

I hope this is helpful and that your community can offer the right kind of support to this girl, her family and each other to eventually find a positive outcome to the situation. I pray that this girl finds some feeling of refuge that she was looking for and that Allah guides her to where she needs to be and gives her the insight of how to grow and move forward in this situation. Amin.

Sincerely, 

Your brother in Islam,

“Fatima Y”

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As Salaam Alaikum,
Im sorry to hear about this sister who left – sometimes its very difficult to understand why things happen, especially when you think you know someone or look up to them in such a role as a leader. My suggestions would be to leave open communication with everyone. With her, you might want to reach out to her and let her know that you are there for her and that you want to support her in any way you can. Let her know that she has a strong support system in her community as well as at large (you are welcome to make our resources available to her as well). For her family, this must be a very difficult time. Her parents must be going through an array of emotions. Perhaps send them a letter (through the post office) and let them know that you and your family are there for them. Be empathetic towards them. Lastly for the community, as they find out and start posing questions in trying to understand what happened remind them it is not ours to understand but to be there for her and pray for her and her family. Allah knows best. She’s clearly very blessed to have someone like you in her life, let her see it.
I hope this helps and that you and your community find peace.  Sending lots of duas.

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam
“Fatima X”

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Assalamu ‘alaykum,

It sounds like this is a sensitive and painful issue that both the young woman’s family and the community is figuring out how to deal with.
I don’t know if you mean “ran away from home” that she left against the will of her parents but that she is with a friend or other family member, or if you mean that she is on the street and moving from place to place. Since she is 18, it is unlikely that the authorities would bring her back in the same way that they would a minor.

As for your questions:
1) How can we support this young woman? — If she is in touch with her friends, then I would suggest that a few people stay in touch with those young people to see if there is a way that the older adults in the community can be supportive and helpful. Keeping the lines of communication open in a non-judgmental way will help her friends reach out to you and get help if a situation arises where it is necessary. I would also suggest that only a few people in the community stay in touch with the friends, and the rest focus on making du’a for her and her safety.

2) How can we support her family? — These kinds of situations bring up a lot of feelings for family members. People don’t usually leave their family home abruptly with no signs of discomfort or distress. This means that something was going on that the family was struggling with, and that the young woman decided that the only way to handle it was to leave. This can bring up feelings of shame in the parents, because their inner family relationships are now being scrutinized by the community. So the biggest support they can receive from a community is acceptance. We all make mistakes, and every parent has faced a situation where we feel like we don’t know how to best help our kids. Again, I would suggest that only a few people, and those who are most able to be accepting reach out to the parents. At the same time, they might not be ready to discuss their feelings. So it’s important to respect that. They may be ready after some time to talk.

3) How can we support the other Muslim youth in the community? — I think that some of the best gifts that we can give is to not avoid tough conversations. If we can be honest, open, accepting, and put into practice our tawakkul (reliance on Allah) it goes a long way. So if I were asked by a young person about the young woman you described, I would probably (a) acknowledge that she left, (b) acknowledge that I don’t know why, and that I’m sad and worried for her just like you must be, and (c) I really wish that she had felt comfortable enough to tell someone about how she was feeling so that we could have found a way to help her through it so that she didn’t have to make the choice she did. I would be very careful to be specific in my comments. So, something like “I am sad because she is not in touch with her family and her parents are worried about her” or “I wish I could have been helpful to her or her family.” I would also avoid speculating about what she is doing, why she left, and what will be her fate. I think some of the most damaging things people can do is to make statements about what another person’s aakhirah (hereafter) will look like.

There are a lot of resources out there for parents and youth who are in similar situations. For example: http://www.1800runaway.org/parents/resources/

Please feel free to post again.

wa ‘alaykum salam

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam

“Fatima Z”